Falling out with my sister

[SrahJane]

Hi everyone, I just needed to vent really. I am confused at my sisters behaviour. She is having a hard time with her partner and wants to leave. I have told her she can live with my family until she can find her own place, I have also offered her financial support for a deposit. I have her staying at my home, I listen to her talk about her issues all the time. I am happy to be there for her.

However, we were talking about her getting her fitness back, losing a little weight and her wanting to feel good about herself. I have supported her in this and said I will do it with her. I will literally do anything I can for her to be happy, that is all I want. We were out having coffee on Saturday, and she was telling me how she had lost some weight and wad really proud of herself, but then told me she had been out with friends and got completely drunk. I had said on the back of such a great weight loss, I wouldn't have gone out drinking as I would have wanted to stay on a roll with my health and fitness. At this comment, she stood up and started to cry, saying that she already feels crap about herself and now I have made her feel worse. And she left the coffee shop. This morning I have been told she has basically told anyone who will listen that I was really mean to her, and that I was aggressive and pulled a nasty face. So she had to leave as she was upset. I am just gutted that she would lie about me and about the truth of what happened. I don't understand why she would do this. I have meant over backwards to be supportive of her. I am sorry if this all sounds very childish and mimimil to some other people problems. The truth is, it is childish. It is completely ridiculous, I will be the first to admit it. But she has done this in the past, when we were younger. She would blow something out of proportion, but then lie about what really happened to make her behaviour seem acceptable. I just feel like I am to old to be dealing with this now. I give so much time and attention to her problems, and I just feel really let down by her. Thank you for listening, or reading should I say

Oh no, I'm so sorry you have fallen out you clearly care for your sister. If I was in your sister's position though, I would have been really hurt too by your comment. She's having a rubbish time and was blowing off some steam by getting drunk and instead of being happy for her that she was able to have a good time, you made comments which would have made her feel criticised and judged.

Tough one because letting her know how you feel will probably distance your relationship even further. I'd be tempted to have it out with her and remind her how you've bent over backwards for her but as I say, she's likely to strop off even further with the added pleasure of assassinating your character even further.

Oh dear, maybe your comment came across a bit judgemental and made her feel bad about myself so it hit a nerve.

I'd just say sorry of you upset her x

She has a lot on her plate right now. I was very skinny when i escaped my x but my head was a mess. I had cptsd and i was in survival mode. Its great that you are there for her but id focus on self compassion for now. Health later.

I think it was really strange to comment on her fitness after she said she had a great night out. I don't know what the point of the comment was.

But she shouldn't have taken it all out of proportion after you have been so kind to her. Talk it out.

I think op you are trying to fix all of her problems all at once and she needs to feel safe and supported to deal with the biggest problem, shitty partner.

she was telling me how she had lost some weight and wad really proud of herself, but then told me she had been out with friends and got completely drunk. I had said on the back of such a great weight loss, I wouldn't have gone out drinking as I would have wanted to stay on a roll with my health and fitness.

One night of having having a good de-stress with friends and having a bit too much to drink will not make a huge impact on her weight loss, but it might have done a great deal of good for her mental health. You were judgemental and mean to say anything about it and I'm not surprised she was upset.

Thank you for commenting back, it Is good to see it from other perspective. And your right, I probably should have focused just more on the support element. I think I do try fix all her problems at once, but I think your right she needs to feel safe and supported. MultiStorey, it is very easy to make a comment like that but not helpful. Obviously I haven't laid out the 100's of conversations we have had where she has told me that her confidence has taken a hit because of her weight, and how focusing on her health and fitness make her happy. I probably should have just kept my mouth shut. It is hard when you see the self destruct button constantly being hit. Drinking when your down makes you feel worse, I want to try keep her away from that cycle. But I guess I should just keep my mouth shut for now. Thank you for your comments guys.

Hi kittyKatty, I can see where you are coming from. But I think the problem at the minute, is that these nights out don't seem to benefit her mental health. They make it worse. She has told me how crap she feels when she drinks and it is a vicious cycle of her drinking because she feels crap and then feels crap for drinking. Maybe my delivery was not right, I can totally see that now. But my message is still the same. I don't want her to feel this way about herself. I want her to be the confident bright funny woman I know her to be.

I'm thinking you've taken being supportive to the extreme. You're not just her crutch, you're her Zimmer frame.

@SrahJane you are doing an amazing thing.
I would never have got free of the maniac abusive x if i hadnt had family to take me in. You're a hero 🍷

I was absolutely a basket case myself after 7 years of being ground down by the abuse.

Break the objectives down in to tiny manageable chunks.

For me the first goal i achieved was to get the dc in to schools that were right for them. Not easy as one had SN.

Next or in tandem, i sorted out what i was entitled to. Or elible for if you prefer. I got the security of benefits. Phew. I felt safe.

Every small step is terrifying. Real life progress. When u look around u and everybody else has a house, decenct husband, job, it's terrifying how far behind the starting block you can feel.

You're supporting your sister on the start of the most impirtant think she'll ever do for herself; leave a shit man.

Xx

The problem with trying to be friends with our siblings in the usual boundaries aren't always there. The dynamic is set to an earlier age. Sometimes people get lucky and can have a genuine friendship - most of the time as soon as you hit a tricky edge there is an over projection of a passed sisterly dynamic .. I'm sorry to say I have the same and it's all the more painful when it rears its head after we have been getting on . I mistake out bond for friendship and get comfortable in it - the truth is that being set as competition for each other from an early age any negative narrative from the other brings with it a whole host of memories and feelings. If I were you I would send her a message to let her know that you are there for her but giving her space and do exactly that ..

Ps have you looked in to self compassion as a practice?

Its really good for women with critical inner voices.

An example could indeed be falling off a diet wagon. Speak to yourself/encourage your friend/sister like you'd speak to somebody you are determined to understand. Eg instead of "i cannot even stick to a diet, i have no will power, im going to die fat of course so what is the point it is so hard", the reel in your head is a kinder "so, 1 day out of the last 7 i didnt follow the plan but i managed 6 days! I did my best! My goal is unchanged! Im on the same course! Every day i do well takes me where i want to go! I deserve to get there and i will. Its challenging to change which is what makes it worthwhile. Im on course, im enjoying the process".

Look in to kirten neff phd and chris germer on youtube. They have a lot about self compassion.

I wasnt compassionate to myself right after i left my x but i really needed it back then.

@MultiStorey

MultiStorey, it is very easy to make a comment like that but not helpful.

You’re right, let me rephrase. Your comment will have made your sister feel patronised and that you help her only so that you can get a close up view of how much better you are. She will never feel it came from a place of love.

Harsh and unneccessary

Multi-storey you are absolutely entitled to your opinion. You couldn’t be more wrong, but that’s ok. AnFiadhRua , I’m so glad to hear you got out of an abusive situation for yourself and you children. Thank you for your suggestions. They have been so helpful. Especially tackling one issue at a time. I probably try to get her to focus on everything and it’s no doubt overwhelming for her. She can absolutely stay with me for as long as she wants, but I think like others have suggested. I probably just need to be supportive rather than try fix things fit her. It’s just hard watching her struggle when I just want her to be happy. Thank you ladies, you have given me chance to look at this situation from a different view point and I thank you for that. Hope you all have a lovely day xx

How old is she? You sound a bit smothering

Too much. Way, way too much. You need to back off and let your sister fight this fight. Support her, listen to her, but stop trying to guide her.

@ClaryFairchild

Too much. Way, way too much. You need to back off and let your sister fight this fight. Support her, listen to her, but stop trying to guide her.

Second this.