How did you know it was time to end it?

[Caramelbeans]

How did you know it was time to call it quits?

Me and DP have been together 5 years, we are late twenties now.

We’ve bought a house together (protected our deposits with 50/50 split on rest), no kids, one dog.

However our relationship is like room mates, we get on great, however there’s no sex. I don’t have any sexual attraction to him (he’s messy/dirty- pants, socks in living room, his home “office” is a pigsty with days old food, drinks, bowls, underwear and stained carpets, never cleans up in kitchen, no pride in appearance etc)

We both work full time, and I’m fucking exhausted having to constantly clean up his mess. If I leave it, it’s there for days as he could not give a shit. I end up cleaning as people come round and I’m embarrassed!

He admits his mum waited on him hand and foot growing up, which is the problem.

He went away for a week recently and it was bliss having a tidy space to work in (I WFH) and it started making me think about leaving and buying my own place.

On the one hand, there is doubt, as he’s a lovely guy, with a lovely family, and has great ambition with a great job and a sensible financial head. However I just feel like his mum we’ve spoke and spoke about this but it never changes which affects my attraction to him.

I miss sex, and miss having a ‘Partner’ rather than a room mate/son!! Would I BU to split?

YANBU.

To answer your title: when I stopped having fantasies about him and started having fantasies about a flat and a cat and some fucking peace and quiet with no unreasonable behaviour making me feel murderous .

If you feel like his mum, you've outgrown him. He's a man-child. That's the problem. So his mum used to wait on him hand and foot? So what?! He's adult now, I'm going to presume he's not blind and deaf, so he's aware of how the rest of the world works and that there's plenty of women doesn't want to do this. You've a voice so I presume he knows he's married one of those women. Therefore the problem is he hasn't, and nor does he want to, grow up.

You know that feeling of there must be more to life than this? It's true, there is. LTB and rejoice in your glorious freedom. And hope you dodge the wankers next time.

Get out now while you can! Life's too short to clean up your partners shit, it will only get worse!!

You just listen to your instincts OP, they tell you everything. I think yours have been speaking to you for a while, but you have been ignoring them. Be brave. I know that grass is not always greener on the other side, but sometimes IT really IS.

Yes, his mum might have run around after him, but he's been an adult, not luving at home, for long enough now to have developed better habits had he wanted to!

You've discussed it, he's chosen not to listen, he's chosen not to give a shit how it makes you feel.

He's assuming you'll cave in & just stop 'nagging' & treat him like a prince like mummy did.

It's not attractive, it's not sexy & now he's going to have a shirt sharp shock!!

I broke up with my (then) DP & many years later I can still remember the sheer bliss of the house being as clean and tidy when I came home as I'd left it (and he wasn't as bad as your DP) . We broke up for other reasons, & in many ways he was (and still
Is) a great guy, but honestly the deep joy of living in a house that's clean & tidy all the time was BLISS!!

I would be completely open with him and then it's up to him to either step up or leave.

My mum used to cook for me, wash my clothes, shop for me, do most of the cleaning. My dad used to pay the bills, keep the car clean, work, build furniture and so on and guess what? As an adult, I manage to do it all.

I've had plenty of experience with lazy men and would not tolerate living with someone who isn't clean and makes an effort with tidying. And I don't want to feel like their mother.

I think if you're asking the question, you're ready to leave.

But, for the sake of the future, and making sure you don't end up wishing you had, I'd tell him how you feel. Make sure he knows it's a deal breaker, and then give him a bit of time to let him choose with his actions whether this changes.

Having said that, if you did this, and he sorted himself out, would you still feel like you were his mother and he was obeying your house rules? That might be just as much of a turn off as the mess.

It sounds like it’s over, OP. Not just the squalor he creates but the lack of sex. You’ve only been together 5 years and you’re still young. We’re not swinging from the chandeliers but 20+ years into our relationship and well into middle age, I still find my DH very attractive and we still have sex regularly.

Of course, feeling like his mum is probably going to kill any sexual desire you would have had for him. Perhaps if he steps up that will return but I don’t think so. It’s not like you’re both sleep-deprived new parents - sexual desire can take a real knock in the early years of parenting but often comes back once children are a bit older but that’s not the situation here. I think you’ve outgrown him, OP.