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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going to be divorced at 29 and feel like that's it for me.

24 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 28/11/2021 09:34

Husband walked out a week ago, just said he plain and simple didn't love me any more. Weve been together 10 years matried 6 and have 2 dc's.
Im totally and utterly gutted, overcome with sadness and finding it so hard to get on with everything.
Our children are young and im bitter that he can swan in and out as he pleases and im left with the hard work alone.
Im worried because I feel like that's it now, ill be alone forever and im honestly so sad about it. I'm overcome with lonloness when the dcs go to bed. Im just not sure how ill carry on Sad

OP posts:
Cazziebo · 28/11/2021 09:45

You will.

I was 31 when my XH left me with two under 3s as he "didn't want to be a dad anymore". It was a total shock and probably took me a good 18 months to get over. But I did and you will, too. I actually mostly enjoyed being a single parent despite having no money. In fact, I had a great time being single! I didn't want to get married again but met the love of my life at 44 and married at 50.

The loneliness is hard. Having no one to share successes and problems with is hard. The total pressure of being in a job I hated but feeling compelled to stay because that was our only income was a heavy burden. But we had lots of fun, I didn't have to worry about working around a partner's hobbies or work, and could set our own schedules.

Be very kind to yourself. Take all offers of help you're offered. You will feel better about all this once you've healed.

SilverGlassHare · 28/11/2021 09:47

My husband divorced aged 30, moved abroad for work for a few years, came back and met me within 2 months of his return, we’ve been together 9 years and have a child together. Your life is just beginning!

ShinyHappyPoster · 28/11/2021 09:51

It's been a week. Of course, you're going to be upset. He shouldn't be swanning in and out. You need boundaries and RL support. Tell your family and friends. Arrange a schedule for when he can see DCs and start to carve out space from him. Flowers

pompomsgalore · 28/11/2021 09:54

You are so young lovely. This is awful for you now but this time next year you will still be soooooo young and feeling a lot stronger.

TravellingSpoon · 28/11/2021 09:55

I understand the lonliness and the bitterness. I was older at 35 but it still hit me the same. I worried that I wouldnt find anyone, that life would be a dredge and not fun. But after a couple of months of wallowing I made a concious decision to move on and to make my own happiness. My kids were a little older, but one has SN and it was hard, but we have muddled through and come out of the other side better.

My BF married a few weeks ago having been divorced at 28 with three kids. She has met someone amazing who treats her so well. She has found her happy ever after and their new blended family are really, really happy.

You are young. It feels desperate now but that feeling will pass. The worst thing you can do is try and fix a relationship that is broken because you are scared of being lonely.

flashpaper · 28/11/2021 10:02

You will carry on because you have to. It's not easy, especially after only a week but you can do this. You'll find strength you didn't know you had. Throw yourself into raising your kids, time with friends, and enjoying what you want to do.

My exH left me with 2 young DC when I was 23. I was very much like you, thought my life was over. It took me years to meet someone but he was out there, we've been together 3 years and just bought a house together. He loves my DC as their own.

You'll be okay OP Thanks

BorsetshireBanality · 28/11/2021 11:30

You have so much of your life ahead of you at 29. So much can happen that you don't know yet.

TheTrinity · 28/11/2021 11:42

It's normal for you to feel completely bereft, it was not your choice or decision. There are stages to grieving the end of your marriage. Please do take care of yourself and get as much support from your friends and family as you need. As everyone has said, you will get through it and one day will feel so much more positive and be excited to build a different life for yourself and children. You are still very young. The rest of your life is ahead of you.

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 28/11/2021 12:36

I just sit and cry and feel like i cant make it to the time where ill feel more positive i cant carry on feeling the way i do now im so so sad.
I feel embareassed that i couldn't make a marriage work and even though my mum was am amazing single mum to me i dont feel strong enough to do it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 28/11/2021 12:37

I want to say thankyou though for all of your amazing replies ❤️

OP posts:
Notbornwithit · 28/11/2021 12:39

I got divorced at 32 and remarried the same year ( been separated 2 years). You’re young. You can begin again

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 28/11/2021 12:40

I honestly dont want to begin again though i still love him i wish i knew how to stop that, will it just fizzle out?

OP posts:
Polmuggle · 28/11/2021 12:57

My advice would be to get him doing 50/50 now so you're not left doing all the hard work. If he gets used to single freedom now he'll never pull his weight.

alwayswrighty · 28/11/2021 13:00

@Bippitybopityboo you will find the strength Flowers

Funnylittlefloozie · 28/11/2021 13:12

Those residual feelings of love will fizzle out. Bit by bit you'll realise that you can't love someone who treated you so poorly. Also, stop letting him swan in and out. Its not good for you or the kids. He chose to walk out, so now he has to arrange contact like every other man in his position has to.

Good luck, lovely, you can do this (and I very much doubt you will be alone forever).

Spritesobright · 28/11/2021 13:16

Oh OP, you're in the worst bit now but honestly there is a happy life ahead of you. Read up on stages of grief. You'll get there.

Seems crazy to imagine but this is actually a growth opportunity. I felt utterly bereft when xh left but now I look back and I'm so proud of how far I've come. I can honestly say I'm a happier, more independent, stronger person as a result and ultimately it's been a new lease on life.

Try to get him to take as much care as possible of DC (we have a 3/4 split with me 4 days a week). This leaves you time to do your own thing - date, take up hobbies, lounge around.
It's hard to imagine time away from your children but you need that time to recharge and they need their Dad.
And it will become obvious that he wasn't up to the role of your partner and that's his loss.

I mourned my ex so long and now I just feel sorry for him. He's still miserable and realised too late it had nothing to do with the marriage.

DeadoftheMoon · 28/11/2021 13:19

@Bippitybopityboo

I just sit and cry and feel like i cant make it to the time where ill feel more positive i cant carry on feeling the way i do now im so so sad. I feel embareassed that i couldn't make a marriage work and even though my mum was am amazing single mum to me i dont feel strong enough to do it myself.
I was 28, with a four year old. You'll be your own kind of single mum, you don't have to be 'strong' or anything else. You'll make it. It takes a while to realise that you've got it, you can manage.
Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 28/11/2021 13:25

Thankyou all so so much, i didnt think it was possible to feel so low

OP posts:
nocnoc · 28/11/2021 14:04

What do you mean he’s swanning in and out? What’s exactly happening? Is he using a key to let himself in whenever he wants?

TheTrinity · 28/11/2021 14:05

Please don't feel embarrassed. It's no shame at all that your marriage did not work out. It takes 2 people to want to make it work and to try and even then it might still not work. Take it a tiny step at a time, just one foot in front of the other, that's all I had the strength to do at my lowest. It's normal to love the father of your children. Over time, it will hurt less and you will be more at peace with your feelings. Please be patient with yourself because you are hurting and you need time to heal.

DukkaDukka · 28/11/2021 14:41

You definitely need to put your foot down about the swanning in and out. He collects the kids and takes them out then drops them back or has them for a weekend. He can’t leave and then carry on as if he still lives there, if that’s what is happening. He doesn’t need to spend time in your house.

It’s been a week, be kind to yourself, you’re still in shock. Have you got support?

Of course you won’t be alone forever. It may feel like it now but you’ll get through it.

Buildingthefuture · 28/11/2021 15:41

I got married at 23 and was divorced (and mortified by it!) at 27. I felt like an idiot & a total failure. BUT, I married again at 31 and have now been married 12 years and still going strong. It might feel like the end of the world, but it really isn’t. DO NOT let him bugger off into singledom though! He needs to take 50% responsibility for HIS children. Use that time for YOU. My life now is literally a million times better than if I’d stayed married to my first husband. 29 is so very young, I know you’ve had a terrible shock but your whole life is in front of you….go out and grab it, for you and your children xx

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 28/11/2021 20:31

I just cant see past this sadness i cant wait for it to clear

OP posts:
tintodeverano2 · 28/11/2021 20:36

Married at 27, divorced by 29, (we had known each other since 11!) met the love of my life at 30.

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