Is this stinging someone along, being dishonest or using someone?

[Chloeblue]

What does it mean if a couple have been together for more than 4 years, she loves him, has told him many times, he's never told her, and when she finally asks him after this length how he really feels about her he says he's never been in love with her? This is a man in his early 50s that said this, never married but many previous relationships, yet stayed in this relationship feeling like this.

Stringing, not stinging!

Yes! That is very much it!

(I have no words, not sure what to say.... 4 years and not even been in love!)

He is using her (you?). However, now she knows he isn't 'in love' it's up to her to move on if it isn't enough.

Did he ever say that he was in love with her? No I don’t think he did. So how has he been dishonest or strung her along?

She loves him and said so. He doesn’t love her and has never pretended to.

I think the woman has stayed because she hoped he would change and he hasn’t . That was her choice to make.

That sounds like a really horrible situation.
I guess from an outside perspective I’m wondering did she (you?) not notice earlier that he had never said ‘I love you’ back??

I know it’s easy to say but I think I would have had the conversation that’s just been had, earlier.

Sometimes, for some people, friendship, companionship, financial security, having someone to cook/clean for you, someone to share the daily load with, any or all of the above, is enough for some people.

It’s clearly been enough for the person (you?) asking the question too, up until now.

I don't think it's any of those things. You can enjoy being with someone/in their company etc without being in love with them.

He's never pretended he felt otherwise.

Not really stringing along - it sounds like it’s been pretty obvious his feelings are different. But of course you will want to move on.

This is a horrible situation, but I guess he hasn't actually been dishonest if he never told her he loved her. Maybe he assumed she must realise he didn't love her and thought she must be choosing to stay with him anyway (for reasons of companionship, security etc)?

Men tend to stay in relationships that they sometimes aren't very invested in. They often only bother leaving when something better comes along.
Harsh but often true.

He replied in a gruff manner "I love you too" once when I said it to him, and had previously told me he wasn't very good at talking about how he feels/ emotions etc, so I presumed he wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me, especially for so long. Yes, I'm kicking myself that I didn't question things earlier. Anyway, needless to say that was the end of the relationship, but I suppose I'm still thinking about it because it was a shock to me.

I guess a lot depends on what the relationship was actually like. Some people get to that stage of life ( my stage too ) and maybe they are a bit "over" all the protestations of love which can end up in a disaster. Maybe he was really quite happy with how the relationship was going, and just didn't want to say those words just for the sake of it.

Obviously, for you this was a deal breaker, but for some it wouldn't be. If he was a lovely man who treated me well, I'd probably be happy to stay.

You've learned something from all this. You're less likely to just accept it if the next man had this outlook. Don't be surprised if he suddenly now finds 'the one' very quickly too, for some reason this seems to happen.

Look to the future and finding someone who reciprocates your feelings.

If he didn’t make any promises or say I love you off his own back, then he’s not been deliberately awful.

Is he sad about the relationship ending?

Man who didn't respond over 4 years that he loved a woman (ignoring the one "gruff" time) whilst she repeatedly told him she loved him, confirms that he does not love said woman.

He's not been stringing anyone along, with that alone.

I would wonder why it took four years of "I love you" met with a blank face in return, for the woman to notice this.

@User2638483 I don't know if he was sad as I've had no contact with him for months, but I doubt he was, judging by what he said after all his other relationships ended.

Judging by what the majority have said here, he's done nothing wrong really, so I'll learn not to stay in a relationship for so long again without finding out a man's feelings towards me.

@User2638483 it ended over the phone, never seen him since

It’s just a strange one isn’t it.
You’d think logically he was getting something out of the relationship as he stayed in it for 4 years! I suppose like some pp said, ‘love’ maybe isn’t that important for everyone.

Hope you are doing ok now 💐

@MollysDolly I didn't repeatedly tell him I loved him, I could count on one hand the times I did because he'd told me he wasn't very good at saying this and I didn't want him to feel awkward but I presumed he wouldn't be with me for so long if he didn't love me. I can see now it's my mistake.

In your OP you say you've said it many times. Now, so few you can count on one hand?

Only you know the details.

There's a difference between someone saying "I don't say I love you because I'm terrible with emotions and saying it openly" which implies they do, they're just explaining why they don't say out loud.

But, from how your OP reads, you say he "never told you", and you are aware he behaved like this in prior relationships.

I wouldn't kick yourself over it too much. I think we all judge people by our own standards. For you, you can't imagine wasting 4+ years (I wonder how long he'd have just dragged along) with someone you didn't love. Neither can I. Neither can most people. So you made the common assumption. However, you need to take into account that you weren't blind to his past and should have been a bit wiser, considering he's simply repeating the same behaviour he always has.

Yes, it's a long time for him to waste. But you've stopped him wasting a moment more. Don't give him a moment more headspace.

It ended over the phone?

So after 4 years you weren’t living together?

Well that was one of your biggest clues right there, surely.