I have nobody

[Lowestl]

I’m scared of how low I am. I have this cloud over me. Im 38 on Friday and single. Im dreading Christmas again alone while everyone turns up in couples with families. Im massively massively going over past relationships, especially the last one and concluding their ending was all my fault. I can’t believe im this age and have noting in terms of a relationship.

My friend met someone at work and he left his partner for her, he’d been with his partner for 12 years. They basically had an affair and now he’s moved out their planing time together and she seems really excited about it. I can’t imagine doing this yet she’s gone from single and sad to happy in the space of weeks. Is this the way to find someone at this age?! I feel sick.

I wake up in the night panicking and crying and going over things. I have a difficult job and it takes all my energy to get through the day. Earning money just for me. It feels so pointless.

I’m terrified of the future. I barely sleep and I think about death and health and losing family members all the time. I am so low, scared, hopeless. How will anything get better? I just wait a partner to love and be loved. Why haven’t I found it?

*theyre

Society, media, throw at us all the time that we must have a partner, three children, house in the country, a dog, foreign holidays ... for lots of us, it doesn't happen.

You can rid yourself of a lot of the pain by understanding that. All lives are valid, including ones that don't match the standard expectation.

Start looking after yourself. Therapy for low mood. Mindfulness for not looking forward or back but instead loving 'this moment, now'. Make your everyday life cosy.

So sorry to hear how rough you are feeling. Do you have family and friends around? Asking because I think that can make a big difference to how you feel and lots don't have either.

Few ideas-

Have you spoken to your GP about how low you are feeling? You might find some antidepressants or talking therapy really helps. It won't solve the problem but might help you feel a bit better.

Is there any local activity you could get involved with that might give you a focus? Volunteering at a local charity, starting wild swimming, joining a choir... Might help for you to have something for you to focus on.

Anything you could plan to do in the future? Going on a big trip/ holiday. There are loads of options- a singles holiday, working holiday, travelling alone. Might give you something to get excited for

I would join a few dating sites and see what happens.

38 is young. You can absolutely have whatever life you want but it's really hard being single. I get it. I'm in a similar boat.

If you want to meet someone, put the time in and the odds are you wil

Take care.

This sounds really hard. Is there someone you can talk to, or some counselling you can have?

I would definitely say though, that the way your friend found someone is not the way to go! And she will one day be worrying whether he suddenly goes off with someone else behind her back.

Do you have any friends or family nearby? I’m single too (at 41). I’ve got two kids but divorced my XH for a myriad of reasons: his alcoholism, drug use, the verbal abuse which came with that and the nail in the coffin was him having an affair with a now ex friend. I would rather stay single than have to put up with nonsense like that. Oh and he used to blame me loads for the marriage ending. But meh, sod him! Also, before we split, I put on an act that things were rosy (because I was so upset and embarrassed with a lot of the reality!), so you never quite know what exactly is going on.

I’m sure the reasons your relationships ended weren’t your fault.

In short, I don’t think having a partner is a fix all. Would you be able to some counselling or something to unpick the worries and anxieties you have? That might be a start? I really hope you feel better soon.

Also, if one of my friends was single and was going to be alone at Xmas, I’d be wanting them to come over (if they wanted to!), and I’d be upset if they’d not said anything!

It really isn't the way to meet someone for a long term relationship it will always be hanging over her head that he's capable of doing that and I can't imagine she'll be able to relax!

It's awful being single when you don't want to be. Yes being single and can be ace abs really fulfilling but if all you want is a family then it's tortue.

I find when I've been feeling like you are a project really helps!! For me it's deep cleaning and decorating a room in the house but yours might be something different. It's lovely to see some tangible result of your efforts and makes you feel more purposeful

Comparison is the thief of joy, I understand how you feel but you have to find your own happiness and you're still young although at that age it doesn't feel like it. Your friend may be very happy (on the surface now) but she is not going to have the easiest of times slotting into his life when his friends and family know she's the OW. Who wants a man that would cheat on a partner of 12 years! You're better off single, how you find them tends to be how you lose them, she'll always wonder what he's been up to when he's home late, don't envy her xx

Social media combined with the tv could make the happiest person doubt themselves.

When my friend was in a similar position she volunteered at 'shelter' Xmas day and said it was an amazing experience. So much so she's encouraging her dc to do it. Maybe something like this could help, give you purpose over the Xmas period

OP sending you a huge hug. You are not alone, you have YOU. As PP have stated, there’s huge societal expectation to be in a relationship. The media perpetuate this idea and companies cash in on our insecurities. I think you’re really feeling these pressures. You’re ruminating over past relationships and self-flagellating. Please be kinder to yourself. You cannot change the past but you can be proactive about achieving what it is you want. It sounds like work takes up a lot of your time. Is there scope to change this at all, to free up some time so that you could perhaps start dating, or join a class or a club as a way to meet people? Instead of focussing your energy on what you think you haven’t got, try to work on your confidence and get proactive about the things you want.

Society, media, throw at us all the time that we must have a partner, three children, house in the country, a dog, foreign holidays ... for lots of us, it doesn't happen

^ true. Regardless of circumstances, YOU are worthwhile.

I don't have social media but really struggle as my twin has a good job, devoted fiancé, gorgeous 5 bed, little girl and baby boy. I live in my mums spare room. Would a partner solve everything? No. Would it give me some self worth? Maybe.
I'm the same as you OP, to me it seems magical people like other people back. I can never even imagine that happening to me.

@SethWho yes exactly that! I’ve been in love before and felt it back but I’ve been in it for the long haul and they never have been. The idea of a long term, decades long relationship seems an impossible concept. Those people I have no interest in seem to want me very much. I’ve had counselling to try and work out if I’m doing something wrong but honestly I think I’m just unlucky.

@Waitinginthewings this is the thing, I was feeling like this months ago and so I booked a holiday and when I was on it I just felt worse. It was a nice distraction but I came home feeling shit and lonelier.

It’s not that I’m not independent, I am. I’m just so sad that I don’t share my life with anyone.

I could fall down the stairs unconscious and nobody would know for days. It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not, nobody needs me or at least everyone has someone significant in their life who isn’t me.

Sending you hugs OP, I also had no one. I’m 29 with a baby and no one bothers with us. No one asks if we’re ok.
The only thing I would do is try online dating, you will definitely meet someone

Ugh dont look to ur friend, i wouldn't say thats stuff dreams are made of.. and there always seems to be repercussions.. so be grateful its not you

Please don't feel this way about your life!!!
I can 100% guarantee that the majority of people in long term relationships are miserable!!! Their lives might appear all happy and amazing but deep down nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors..... More people than you think just put up and shut up for various reasons.
That doesn't mean to say that everyone in a relationship isn't happy, far from it!!! All I'm saying is, don't compare yourself to others.
When you're not actively looking, I bet the right person will come along. Until then, chin up and take care of yourself xx

You may be independent OP, but do you have hobbies? Other projects you are passionate about and that fulfil you? Because if you don't you don't attract the right people - because no one wants to commit to a life where the relationship is the only thing giving the person happiness. The only people you do attract then are commitment-phobes, and emotional abusers who prey on your loneliness and vulnerability.

You say you've felt even lonelier being on holiday alone - and I think that means you need to do some more internal work on truly being happy in your own company. When I got divorced and had a run of crap relationships in my mid 30s, I took a break from dating. I loved holiday-ing alone. I always came back feeling rejuvenated and inspired - because I visited places and did things I was really passionate about. I filled my free time with volunteering, pursuing hobbies, improving myself, did a big career change for better work-life balance, and when I started OLD again, men commented on how refreshing it was to meet a woman who was so optimistic and not jaded. That is eventually how I met my partner - he was very surprised when I told him I was divorced because of how baggage free I appeared. So obviously men do pick up on energy that is down, unhappy, discontented and without purpose.

I think if you find your purpose in life - what really motivates you, keeps you passionate and excites you, you will automatically be a magnet for men who want that energy in their life all the time. So maybe take a break from dating, and figure out where you can channel all the energy and love you have to give. And once you're there, try OLD, you'll be surprised at how much more you enjoy it.

The Christmas that you dread isn't here now. The relationships that ended aren't here now. Your friend who met a new partner isn't here right now.

Recognise that these, and all other things that are causing you grief, are entirely your own creations. They exist, right now, only in your head, and as a result of that, you are in charge of them. You are 100% responsible. You are the only person who can do anything about them, or your response to them.

If you just sit there, right now, and work out what is actually wrong, right now, it's highly likely that nothing is actually wrong. You are warm, dry, fed, safe. If you want to go to an art gallery or go on a date or walk outdoors or book yourself in for parachuting or guitar lessons, you can. Nothing is different for you than it is for anybody else. Some of us are single, some not. Some of us have lots of friends, some don't. Some of us are busy, some aren't. There's nothing special or unusual about your situation. It's completely normal.

You say you have nobody, as if 'somebody' could come and take all this sadness away. But you have you. Why aren't you doing that for yourself? Why would you think anybody else can do it for you if you can't do it?

What would you like your life to look like? Is it literally the same as now, but with somebody holding your hand? Or would it be a different shape, with fun activities and pastimes, lots to do and interest you? If it's the former, hold your own hand first; look after yourself. Do nice things, to soothe yourself. If it's the latter, just do the activities you'd like to be doing. You might meet the partner there, and you'll be much happier, and so in a better position to have a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry OP, loneliness can be horrible I remember it well. Hopefully some of the advice on this thread can be helpful for you xx

You need to be happy alone, I know it’s shit but it’s true. Why would no one know if you were unconscious at the bottom of the stairs for days? If a partner is your everything it will be an awful codependent relationship.

And by alone I mean a life built for your happiness

Op this is sad to read, because I could have written it and feel your pain. It’s so hard isn’t it? I mean we are loyal, loving and try and it feels like it’s all a kick in the teeth.
Last night i felt so overwhelmed I had a panic attack..I was on my own and thought the same as you..no one would check on me for some time if I was hurt (felt like I was going to black out)
It’s horrible and I’m sorry but things will get easier

Life can be hard. And there are some problems that we have no control over. I know it's easy to say, but I think it helps to take action in the areas of life that you do have control over. Make those areas as good as they can be.

That might be friendships (nurturing the existing ones / making new if necessary), hobbies, expanding the mind, work, family, self-care, getting fit ....

These things provide at best a distraction but also hopefully more happiness and meaning in life. They make you less focussed on finding 'the one' (and being too focussed comes with the risk of settling for someone not great for you, or coming across as too needy which can put people off), whilst broadening your network of friends and interests, which in turn increase the chance of meeting someone.

You probably already do these things - and I'm sorry to be stating the obvious if so.

You will know that people often meet the love of their life when they are older (for me I was in my 40s when we met) but I completely get that sometimes it seems completely unattainable.

Please don't envy your friend's situation. Her relationship hasn't had the best start and is founded on betrayal. It may not be all hearts and flowers, and even if it is - there is someone heartbroken in the background.

Please make an appointment with your GP to talk about your feelings of depression. You must look after yourself first. I wouldn't be feeling any feeling of envy towards your friend – all she's managed to do is bag herself someone who cheats on him partners. He must be awful.

I think Christmas blues are a thing. I haven't really celebrated the last few years as I find it depressing.

Three things, one, buy yourself a sun lamp. It works wonders on low mood in winter. Two, your friend is a dick with low morals and I'd be careful of her. People who fuck other people over without a care in the world, only have loyalty when it suits them (ps: if he cheated on his wife for her, he'll likely do it TOO her at some point). And 3, relationships are not permanent, they are not a 'happy ending', they come amd go throughout life. If you met someone now, it's highly unlikely you'll still be with them in 30 years ruggt? So stop basing your happiness on a relationship. All they are is a bit of salt. They can enhance flavour when added but they are not sustenance.

I think the fretting about death comes to a lot of us at this age irrespective of family situation.

I have everything anybody could want but I feel so bleak and depressed all the time. Almost want to self harm. I blame some of it on this horrible middle age and dealing with fading parents and some on the pandemic.

Don’t underestimate the emotional damage and strain of living through a pandemic and the isolation which has been so much worse for single people. It’s been a horrible few years.

Please seek help from the GP if you can 🙄 and if you can’t.... focus on positive aspects of your life or maybe even throw yourself into exercise and meditation - just look after yourself a bit. I have no advice on the partner stuff really but at least you’re not behaving like your friend. I have been playing the piano and went swimming this morning just for my mental health and it’s really made me feel so much better. Fulfilling moments in your day will always boost you a bit - try and grab those chances.