Overheard "friends" slagging off friend. Wwyd?

[Ame133]

This is for my teenage DD.

She recently attended a sleepover with her friendship group of 8, one of the girls couldn't make it, the group naturally split into 2 half way through the night and one group were heard slagging the girl off who wasn't there, literally mocking her for everything from the way she speaks to the way she looks/walks!

The absent girl has no idea these girls do not like her. Would you tell her what was said? And risk upsetting her and causing friction, especially as these girls could deny it all. Or would you keep it to yourself, but feel complicit that you know they are so two faced with her.

I honestly don't know what to do for the best but am leaning towards not saying anything as nothing good can possibly come out of it. But does anyone really need friends like that? They are all year 10 girls.

Any advice appreciated.

If these are 14/15 yo girls then it's none of your business and you should stay out of it.

I can't see any good coming of your dd telling her what they were saying. I think what your dd can take from this is that they probably talk about everyone behind their backs, so I would encourage her to distance herself from the group that were being nasty.

@mybroomstick yes they are 14/15. My dd has asked me for advice on how to deal with it as she feels guilty knowing these girls are so 2 faced to her friends.

Of course you can't repeat what was said but you can steer your daughter in the right direction and tell her how distasteful you found their remarks and how would she feel if it were her they were talking about

No, I wouldn't say a word.
I watched 2 girls a few weeks ago when they saw someone they knew.

They squealed and ran at her with open arms to hug her, then all stood cuddling and rubbing each others backs.

Then, as she walked off, one turned to the other and said "I fucking hate her!"

@greenleathertrousers I think you are right. It just seems wrong at the same time! I can't see the other friend being thankful that she has been told, more just upset 😕

@mybroomstick
I disagree, teens need steering in the right direction

Yep, agree, you can’t do anything except stress to your daughter that you just don’t bitch about friends and that she’s better off distancing herself from any ‘friend’ group who do that.

@RobertSmithsLipstick that's awful!! I remember the bitchiness from secondary school, I just still struggle to understand it!

It's tough navigating the teen years Ame, but I think the fact this is playing on your dd's mind shows that she's an all round good egg. She may find it necessary to tell the tell in the future but for now I would just encourage her to grow closer to the absent friend and the group that weren't bitching.

Well, I think things are often just the same when we're older - the office gossip, the member of staff that is the same grade but allowed to behave like your boss, the person who buys their manager a gift, even though they've already put into the collection for one.

@Anordinarymum @Letterlike I have said to her how surprised I am (they genuinely seemed like such nice girls) and that now she knows what they are really like she needs to be very wary of them. Because of friendship issues in the past she feels kind of stuck with them, all most like it's better to have two faced friends than no friends at all. I wish she was more confident to steer away from them.

@greenleathertrousers thank you, I think she is too, she is more sensitive than she shows, and a worrier like her mum (I wish she didn't get that trait from me, her dad is so laid back).

[quote Ame133]**@Anordinarymum* @Letterlike* I have said to her how surprised I am (they genuinely seemed like such nice girls) and that now she knows what they are really like she needs to be very wary of them. Because of friendship issues in the past she feels kind of stuck with them, all most like it's better to have two faced friends than no friends at all. I wish she was more confident to steer away from them.[/quote]
She will get there in the end because having friends like that is draining. I bet there is one dominant girl in that group and she will be the one who fuels the dynamic. Your girl will work it out for herself I am sure and find better friends.

Yes, an ordinary mum, I agree. Sound advice.

Needs to keep quiet - she's not complicit because she didn't join in. The poor girl in question will only be upset and they're probably jealous of her

Unfortunately, with girls like this there's not much loyalty so I think DD needs to be careful with sharing any personal/ potentially embarrassing news with these girls in future. She might find half the school finds out in the name of gossip

This happened to me when I was 14 and broke my heart. I have always had anxiety and cry easily. I had a small group of friends but never really bonded with anyone at school. One sleepover I couldn't go. Didn't worry about it but the next day one of the girls told me they all spent most the night saying I was an attention seeker as I cried alot, made up my health issues(have a stomach problem) which often kept me off school and that I looked weird as I was the only one in the group who's boobs hadn't grown yet and no period. It broke my heart as that 'friend' did not need to tell me. If you can find a way for her to steer clear of these girls please do as if especially you can't let things go over your head you'll still be thinking about it 25 years later

So sorry that happened to you @GraceKelly259 and that you still have that memory years later. We have had a good talk and will not be mentioning anything to the absent friend. This has opened my daughters eyes to what these girls are really like and to be very careful with what she shares with them.