Is this just unattainable? I’m so fucking fed up

[EveryLastSet]

I just want a committed relationship. I’ve probably missed things in the past looking back as I wasn’t ready to settle down/went for the wrong people.

I feel so ready to just commit to someone…I don’t care one jot for travelling or furthering my career or spending hours pampering myself or going to nice restaurants.

I can’t seem to find anyone who wants to commit. Whenever I meet people they’re on the cusp of moving abroad or unsure where their job will take them or only just out of a marriage or wanting to take things very slowly ie one date every few weeks (I don’t bother). Or someone who is really into drinking or travelling like that’s their main priority.

I just want someone who wants to build a life with me. I can be good fun and silly and have a good sense of humour but I want to be all those things while talking about a future with a family and settling down.

I can’t seem to find it and I’m not in a position where I’m not getting second dates so it’s not anything I’m doing wrong in dates I don’t think. I just can’t find that person who has the same priorities that I do :(

Perhaps your eagerness is coming through, and it's off-putting?

Plenty of people are happy to settle down, but they need time to find out if the person they have met is the right person. You come across as wanting someone "right now" to commit to you after a first date.

How old are you?

I didnt find anyone to commit either. Gave up tbh!
They were all out of relationships, wanted "casual" etc. There were some who wanted to settle but they were all the needy ones who needed me to mother them or be the strong/confident one (which is too much for me as I have kids already and need a 50/50 partnership).

It's not you.

I’m v glad I didn’t have to do OLD.

But I did spend my early 20s going on a max of maybe 6 dates total - as there weren’t people around sharing my priorities and being interested in me. My first serious relationship went on to be my husband.

But look at it this way - you know what you want, better to keep looking than to waste time with unsuitable people? I don’t know these days what the best way of finding people is, but maybe you have to go on lots of first dates to find someone looking for commitment? Would a paid service screen out those who are just looking for casual things?

This bit is what stands out to me, OP:

I don’t care one jot for travelling or furthering my career or spending hours pampering myself or going to nice restaurants.

It sounds as though you think 'committing' shouldn't involve you doing any of those things, when plenty of people in committed relationships are also travelling or working hard or going out to nice places.

Or someone who is really into drinking or travelling like that’s their main priority.

Drinking, fair enough obviously, but if you're looking for someone who isn't into travelling, eating out, their career, or looking their best (gym, etc?) then what are you looking for? Someone in a job they're not bothere about progressing, doesn't want to have new exciting experiences with you, doesn't want to go out for dates with you, doesn't enjoy you both getting dressed up...?

I wonder if you've got this idealised idea of 'settling down and being committed' as not having any external influences or life factors involved. And it's okay if you want that, but lots of people don't have that life set-up. When I met DH, he lived on the other side of the country and was about to change jobs. But I liked him, not his life situation specifically, and I gave it enough time to see if we worked well enough together to see if it would be worth pursuing.

Again, it's fine to have your requirements for a partner if you don't want that level of hassle (god knows I never want to drive that motorway between DH and I's hometowns ever again!) but don't just assume commitment = sensible, safe, no potentially changeable life factors at all and overlook people who might actually be great for you.

Having said that - your requirements in a relationship are entirely yours to have, and I don't think you should compromise them entirely. But maybe don't write off people who have particular interests if they're otherwise lovely and have potential.

I don’t care one jot for travelling or furthering my career or spending hours pampering myself or going to nice restaurants.

What does the above have to do with being in a committed relationship? We do all of the above together.

It sounds like you don't want dating, you want "18 months in, moving in together, comfortable safety".

Which is understandable, dating can be exhausting. But you can't fast-forward it. You don't get to comfortable, safe, domestic bliss without building up the relationship and trust and comfort with each other first in the early stages.

Decide what your absolute dealbreakers are - no imminent plans to move or go travelling, interested in a relationship and not recently divorced, or whatever - and then (I mean this with love!) suck it up a bit. Even if you met the absolute perfect man with the same aims and interests as you right now, you'd still need to go out on some dates and dress up a bit and do a first holiday abroad together and all that to get to the 18-months-in feeling - you don't get an IKEA Family card and a cat on the first date, and you can't manufacture the kind of committed feeling it sounds like you want.

So turn away those who are dealbreakers, but otherwise, you have to keep dating or you'll never get to the bit after dating.

Whats your age OP? And do you have any baggage?

I think I get it OP
You want to settle down and live fairly quietly and you want to start from that point, is that right?

So for example, a group of us went to the cinema and a single girlfriend said to me "I like your friend Mike, a bloke wearing a cardigan like that is always sweet".

I laughed at the time because it was funny and random, but they are dating now and it is about going to a cosy pub in your cardi and jeans, not dressing up and pretending to be something you're not.

I also stopped dating someone once because he wouldn't shut up about how I could go further in my career. He was a very successful man and tbh I think he needed someone to match that. But I was at the limit of what I was prepared to do, so someone who wanted to push was not helpful.

OP I understand. I did the travelling and hobbies and bettering myself as well and it didn't make up for not having a relationship and I didn't meet anyone doing them either. I got fed up too. All of those things don't fill the hole in your heart that is missing companionship, love, partnership and affection. Sometimes they can make you feel even lonelier.

Unfortunately I have no answers as I'm still in the same place as I was when I did all the travelling, hobbies, meetups, etc. But I hope things work out better for you.

I get it OP. You want a shared future. I look at my friends who have been together for decades and I envy that time.

I dont know what the answer is.

But if you aren’t interested in traveling and furthering your career and going out and having fun, what are you interested in? Because people are attracted to people who are out there living their live and not desperate for a relationship. I met all sorts of losers when I was just hanging around at home doing the same old thing.

Then I got fed up, took a job abroad, went traveling and applied for PhD programmes so I could come back and further my career. Met Dh also working abroad in the same city. We got married 3 years later and that was 12 years ago. If I’d stayed in the same old rut waiting for a nan to drop from the sky, I would have probably just found the same old losers.

• a man, thankfully no one’s nan dropped from the sky. 😂

I echo the others, what are you into, as if it’s just being at home with a person I think most people would find that really dull.
When I met DP I was (and still am) very career focussed, enjoyed ( and still do) going out for drinks, to gigs, for meals, we love to travel and plan trips.
Sounds a bit like you are looking for one oerson to fill an awful lot. And that’s really unrealistic.
How old are you? I do also think that’s relevant

I ended up accepting a new job and moving a few hours away shortly after meeting my DP, we probably only had 7-8 dates before I moved but we both decided to try long distance. It was clear to me pretty early on that he was ‘the one’ and I chose not to renew my 12 month contract, moved back to his home city and we’ve lived together ever since!

The reason for sharing that is to demonstrate that a settled, committed relationship can grow from many different situations- don’t be too quick to write someone off because they don’t seem to be in the right place. And I definitely echo the advice of others to find some hobbies! It doesn’t need to be anything too ambitious or time consuming, just something that makes you happy for a couple of hours a week and has nothing to do with home or work.

I think the key might be in realising that the universe doesn't provide what you want when you want it, and realising that there is plenty of time.

The 'I'm so fucking fed up' attitude is a lot of pressure to put on a potential partner to alleviate. I realise that you won't be saying that to them (!), but that's what you're feeling deep down. Cultivate ways to alleviate that feeling for yourself, and if you feel you can't, look into why. Not being in a committed relationship isn't an illness, and if you're emotionally healthy, it won't make you unhappy or fed up. It's more like 'I wish I had a million quid'... you'd like it, but it doesn't make you unhappy or fed up to not have it, because you've got a life to lead from the position you're in.

You only need one.... but I'd be careful at the moment. If you're very fed up and feeling negative I'd take a break and see friends, enjoy your life as it is at least for a few months.