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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grey rock tips for seeing my exh after 11 months tomorrow

8 replies

MollyBloomYes · 27/11/2021 22:23

Tomorrow I will be taking my children to drop them off at their dads. They haven't seen him for over a year. Contact was stopped for safety reasons at my initiation, supported by school and lawyer but obviously he hasn't seen it that way.

It's been a long drawn out process with him refusing to admit any wrong, running up costs and generally being an arse making my life as difficult as possible (malicious reports to social services, accusations that I was emotionally abusive, constant threats of court, you get the idea. Emotional abuse cliche)

Luckily my lawyer is fantastic and she held firm and eventually he had to concede. He will be furious about this as I have never stood up for myself as long and as firmly as this before. So tomorrow could be interesting. There is nobody else who can do the drop off and I don't think I am in any physical danger. It will be a simple drop at the door and go.

I just need some stock phrases or actions if he decides to start some jibes or passive aggressive (or not so passive) lines of attack. I suspect because the kids are there he'll go for subtle but if they go inside then he might launch into full on vitriol. I'm aware I can just walk away.

I also have him blocked at the moment. Acceptable to keep him blocked and just unblock him during the hours he has the boys? This was my plan? He actually can contact me on my phone he just doesn't realise it because all he uses is WhatsApp. I don't want to draw his attention to this but if he thought hard enough about it he could

OP posts:
pog100 · 27/11/2021 22:59

I have zero experience but it sounds like you have held firm and are feeling strengthened by that, well done! Personally I think you need to keep the talk to an absolute minimum. Hand over, refuse to engage in anything. "We don't need to discuss that" and leave. I wouldn't even mention the blocking/unblocking. Just do it in case. Good luck

MollyBloomYes · 27/11/2021 23:01

Thank you. Even just reminding me that the phrase 'we don't need to discuss that' is helpful! I'm feeling quite anxious despite also being proud of how far I've come so finding it difficult to remember any kind of firm but non aggressive phrases!

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Silverchamber · 27/11/2021 23:09

Tell him to address any questions in writing. I survive by focusing and talking to only the kids, reinforcing pick up times etc. So "mummy will see you when dad drops you off at 5" instead of having to ask him directly. It does get easier. I keep him on the doorstep, or wait on his. All communication through WhatsApp or via solicitor for a while. They get bored when there's no reaction. It's really useful to keep in mind that you cannot control or predict what they will do, but you can control your reaction. Just smile and nod. Good luck 👍

JaneExotic · 27/11/2021 23:11

‘Thank you for letting me know.’

‘I’ll think about that.’

‘Hmm. Okay.’

‘It’s not appropriate to discuss that now.’

‘Fuck off.’

Elieza · 27/11/2021 23:33

“If this is not related to the children there’s no need for us to discuss it”

“I’d answer that if it was any of your business”.

“I’m not interested in striking up a conversation with you. Kindly email me if you need to discuss the children’s welfare”

“I’m not interested in anything you have to say”

“Really”.

“Whatever”

(All to be delivered in a bored uninterested way, no anger or sarcasm, just flat as though you’ve heard it all before and can’t even be arsed listening again).

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 27/11/2021 23:39

Those replies are not grey rock
They are also passive aggressive and suggest to the recipient the needling is working

Don’t block and unblock him
Don’t write this sort of thing, either respond in a restrained manner in the moment if strictly necessary or report to your solicitor to deal with.

If you are truly grey rock you just drip them off and pick them up

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 27/11/2021 23:40

@Silverchamber that did not include you

MollyBloomYes · 28/11/2021 00:28

Thank you. That's given me a bit of courage and a reminder that I can just drop and go. I blocked because all communication has been through solicitor up til a couple of weeks ago when he decided to start hassling me on WhatsApp. I didn't want the temptation there to reply so decided to block and be done with it. He is still able to txt if he needs to if he has the kids but as I say, I'm not sure he has realised this. I guess I can confirm this if he asks tomorrow.

Thank you everyone. I hate that he still has the power to make me nervous and scared but I'm determined to get better at mastering this. I'm not the scared person he was married to anymore and have done a lot for my life since we divorced. I needed to remind myself of this tonight

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