Horrible fight :(

[happyboobs]

Had a horrible argument with DH today. We don't fight often but when we do he shouts, calls me names, says really hurtful unforgivable things and never apologises.
I do none of these things.

I hate falling out and am guilty of being a pushover just to get rid of the atmosphere.

So exhausted this evening and he's creeping around me doing chores etc which is obviously as he feels bad but it would be so much easier if he could just say I'm sorry!

:-(

Callig you names is unacceptable. Call him out on it tell him to piss if with calling you names how dare he.

I don’t know anyone who argues with respect or non shouting.

I'm one. My partner is too. There are people who are capable of disagreeing without name calling. Raising voices is one thing. Shouting is another. Name calling is disgusting.

I’m guessing like mine he’s fairly pleasant 90% of the time if he’s not being challenged.

Lol.

Well there the answer to abuse folks; just don't challenge them.

You don't have to get called bitch, arsehole, liar etc .... just don't ever challenge the bloke.

Shouting is another. Name calling is disgusting.

Yeah it's a combination of immature and malicious/degrading. Not qualities you really want in a life partner.

Just walk away. That’s what I do now. There’s no point arguing

Whst about when it's something important, something that matters, something you need your voice heard on ..

You can't always walk away.

Sometimes you need a discussion and a resolution of something you may not agree on and can't side step; what are you going to do then.

Is he going to get his way perpetually (Even when hw may not be right).because you can't argue with him without him being verbally abusive and degrading.

Fucking hell @nocnoc - please stop normalising this stuff. In ten years, my husband has never, not ONCE, even raised his voice to me let alone call me a single name. It is not normal to be shouted at and called names.

I wish women would just raise their bar a little. Don't tolerate this utter shit. It's unforgivable you say OP? Then stop forgiving it.

The ideal would be you saying to him, right now' ' I am done with your bullshit and we are over.' And mean it

I doubt you will though and these feelings you have will just get worse. I hope you don't have kids?

Consider leaving him. This doesn't have to be your life

I have been like your husband because my ex DH used to get the worst out of me. He was passive aggressive. I hope it is not the case in your relationship because mine used to say I do not swear or call you an arsehole. However, he was creating situations to make me go mad.

Stop engaging with him and leave the room next time he does it, you don’t have to respond to dickheads

My DH does this. I’ve been called bitch, arsehole, liar, bullshitter…all during arguments. He can’t control his mouth when provoked. Any kind of issue raised is taken as a criticism and his immediate reaction is verbally aggressive defensive. Speaking to friends, must have men like this. It seems common. Shouting when not getting their own way. Verbally defensive. Mumsnet might leap to “it’s abusive” but I’m going to call it common, I’m afraid.

@nocnoc No, I've had other kinds of abuse from partners, even subtly verbally, but not this 'chavvy' behaviour from a man.

Been with dh 20 years. We've never called eachother names or had to say sorry about anything we've said. It's not acceptable to behave like that. You deserve respect at all times.

OP have you tried marriage counselling? Many people on here say its abuse and say leave, but they don't know about the rest of your marriage, they also aren't trained, to give advice, they just say "my DH doesn't do that" which can make you feel worse.

Why don't you go someone trained and discuss it as a couple?

why can't he say sorry?

It sounds utterly miserable.

Name calling is ugly and abusive.

Many people can argue, disagree, be pissed of with each other but not resort to name calling and abuse.

Do not allow any one tell you this is normal.

It is normal to get cross and pissed off.

It is not normal to then resort to name calling and emotional abuse.

Do you have children?

If you do, god help them being raised around such ugliness and abuse.

Ring Women's aid and have a chat about what you are accepting.

You deserve better

One thing I keep running into is women excusing their partners by saying, “but he does not do this often”, “he only does it sometimes”, “most of the time he is “great”, “ but he is great dad”. OMG!!! No, nobody is perfect, that is true, but there are things that “not so perfect people” do sometimes, and there are things that asholes do. Weather they do it sometimes or all the time, does not matter. Certain things should be deal breakers even if they were done only once or twice, or “sometimes”. And a man who does it even only once is not a “good man” or a “good dad”.

I agree that this may be common, and I know that a lot of women put up with this shit, but this does not make it right or acceptable.

@nocnoc
I have to ask if he talks to his boss, co-workers, parents like that?

Well, I hope all his nasty shouting and name calling didn’t frighten your little 1 year old DD. What a damaging environment for her to be exposed to. I would be making an exit plan.

@nocnoc

My DH does this. I’ve been called bitch, arsehole, liar, bullshitter…all during arguments. He can’t control his mouth when provoked. Any kind of issue raised is taken as a criticism and his immediate reaction is verbally aggressive defensive. Speaking to friends, must have men like this. It seems common. Shouting when not getting their own way. Verbally defensive. Mumsnet might leap to “it’s abusive” but I’m going to call it common, I’m afraid. I don’t know anyone who argues with respect or non shouting. You know he’s like this. He’s not going to change. I’m guessing like mine he’s fairly pleasant 90% of the time if he’s not being challenged. It’s not mature but no relationship is perfect. When the argument starts why argue? Just walk away. That’s what I do now. There’s no point arguing and a counsellor told me that demanding apologies isn’t mature or true conflict resolution anyway.

My ex is like that...i started shouting back😁. Now i only communicate with him through email

[quote Aquamarine1029]@nocnoc

I wonder how often "often" is, and in between that time I'm wondering if op has to walk on eggshells worried about him kicking off. Being shouted at, called horrible names, and have horrible things said to you, even once, makes a miserable marriage in my book. Many, many women need to raise their standards.[/quote]
Yes thats exactly why they do it. So that you walk on eggshells and you do what they want to avoid an argument. My ex would say i know "what makes him angry and i shouldnt do it!" Apparently when he is "angry" he can do what he wants and thats just how he is!. Its a learned behaviour...they have seen their fathers do this to their mums.

@nocnoc this is somrthing uou need to tackle. Your children are seeing this and normalising it. Your son is going to do this to his wife and your daughter is very likely to attract a man who does this to her. Do you want that?

Do you discuss the arguments afterwards?

You need to sit down and tell him that the argument isn't an argument, it's him verbally abusing you.

Everyone falls out, but there is a right, and wrong way to do this. Saying things to deliberately hurt you, and calling you names is never acceptable

@billy1966

It sounds utterly miserable.

Name calling is ugly and abusive.

Many people can argue, disagree, be pissed of with each other but not resort to name calling and abuse.

Do not allow any one tell you this is normal.

It is normal to get cross and pissed off.

It is not normal to then resort to name calling and emotional abuse.

Do you have children?

If you do, god help them being raised around such ugliness and abuse.

Ring Women's aid and have a chat about what you are accepting.

You deserve better

This. Good post.

My DH does this. I’ve been called bitch, arsehole, liar, bullshitter…all during arguments. He can’t control his mouth when provoked.

I expect he could control his mouth if it were his boss or a policeman or judge he had a difference of opinion with.

If a man is calling you horrible names, yelling and criticising viciously it's abuse. I'm afraid there is no other name for it.

I understand that can be very hard to accept that it's abuse, because it means accepting that your partner has very little respect or love for you, but that's what it is.

I hate falling out and am guilty of being a pushover just to get rid of the atmosphere.

So, the way it works is that abusive men pick women who hate conflict and will back down when they start getting verbally aggressive.

This is not a criticism of you - backing off when someone becomes threatening is an innate protective response.

However an even better innate protective response is to pack your bags when he next leaves the house, leave yourself and do not come back.

@freeatlast2021

One thing I keep running into is women excusing their partners by saying, “but he does not do this often”, “he only does it sometimes”, “most of the time he is “great”, “ but he is great dad”. OMG!!! No, nobody is perfect, that is true, but there are things that “not so perfect people” do sometimes, and there are things that asholes do. Weather they do it sometimes or all the time, does not matter. Certain things should be deal breakers even if they were done only once or twice, or “sometimes”. And a man who does it even only once is not a “good man” or a “good dad”.

I agree that this may be common, and I know that a lot of women put up with this shit, but this does not make it right or acceptable.

Too right.

And as SO many have noted, the absolutely overwhelming majority of these pigs would NEVER dream of behaving like this in a work environment.

No, they save this DELIBERATELY abusive behaviour for their families, whom they home terrorise with their rage.

They destroy family's.
They destroy women's MH.
They destroy childhoods.

They are SCUM.

Leaving them is the only answer.

They know EXACTLY how they are behaving.