Why is this hurting me so much

[Whydoesthishurt]

Split with p relationship has been up and and down for a long time not always great and he has been a prize prick to say the least some domestic abuse financial and controlling… I should be over the moon that after 12yrs I’m finally free..
so why am I hurting emotionally so much?

I’m devestated I don’t know what to do with myself… he’s obviously loving life it’s only been a week so it’s still quite raw.. all I can think is of the good times ( there was some)

Because it’s a massive change and detaching from anything or anyone we once deemed significant hurts for a while. Because you’re grieving for your lost hopes. The real man you’ve just freed yourself from is a nasty loser and you’re so much better off but the hopes for the man you thought he was, or hoped he could be, will take time to heal.

Thank you..
I know in the long even short time it’s the best thing that has happened. I sometimes feel angry at him I keep thinking of how I put my life on hold I have no job no qualifications nothing all cos I held back didn’t push myself because of him.

How do I start again? Where do I start? How do I find me?
And it’s bloody Christmas soon

He's loving life because he doesn't know yet that he can't just wander back in and control you again. He won't be so delighted at all when he discovers he can't.

You've been manipulated for years. Conditioned to 'think about the good times' when he's treated you badly and needed to reel you back in.

This is habit. Pre-conditioning. Common upon departure from an abusive relationship. There's nothing unusual about what you're feeling; it's the healthy emotional response to an unhealthy situation. You are having emotions as per your previous experience. That's what healthy people do.

The trick now is to make sure that the future experiences you have are healthy ones, so that you rehabilitate your emotional responses. You need to make sure, in the future, that you are only spending time with people who care about your feelings, support you in doing the things that you want, and support you when things don't go the way you hoped.

The most important person, the very first person, who you need to make sure is doing this stuff for you, and respecting you in this way, is you.

So start now. If a friend came to you and said they were hurting after a break up, would you say 'Why?', or would you be more supportive, offer them things that would comfort them and make them feel that they weren't unusual in having their feelings? Do this for yourself. Don't question your feelings; they are what they are. They are the real you. They are your soul. Respect them; answer their calls for comfort, support, and love. That's what you were constantly looking for from him, and presumably, if you stayed for so long, he sometimes showed signs of giving to you. You need to find ways of giving those things to yourself. You'll feel better then. It's not him you need or want, it's the feelings of potential fulfillment of your needs that you've attached to him. Make them separate from him.

You have to love you, to obliterate your need for him to love you.

You have started again OP You’re already on your journey and unfortunately this first bit has sometimes difficult feelings.

Take it step by step. As the PP says, tune into yourself and treat yourself with kindness. All you can do is the next right thing - even if that’s just a very small thing like a healthy meal, a call to a friend, an early
night.

Write a list of all the negatives regarding his behaviour and how he made you feel . When you start thinking of any positives read your list and be glad you are not with such a horrible abuser.

Thank you I’ve had a long soak in the tub (and a sob) I’m in bed now it’s just scary he’s all I had everything was him

Try to gently start to think about how your life would look if you were exactly where you wanted to be. How would you spend your time? What would the people be like that you spent your time with? What would your hobbies be? A good place to start is thinking about people you really respect; what do they do that you wish you were doing? Start thinking about how to incorporate one or two of those things into your life. If you do things that you respect in other people, you will respect them in yourself. That's how you get self respect; you don't just try really hard to feel it. You have to actively do things that you find respectable. Even if it's just getting up early, or spending half an hour each day reading, so that you become more 'well-read'. It doesn't have to be huge things.

It sounds like he was your whole life, and again, that's not uncommon in abusive relationships. Abusers like to isolate their victims, it's a known tactic, so that the victim can't leave, because they fear feeling the way you do now. Instead of filling the gaps with thoughts of him, try to think of thoughts of you: This is all about you, now. You building your life in a way that will make you happy.

And accept your sadness. Cry when you need to. Rest a lot. Find ways to express anger. Talk (to friends or a counsellor or a diary) so that it doesn't all just exist in your head. Get it out into the world somewhere, even if it's just onto paper that you immediately shred. It'll help you process.