Advice please, suspect I'm too intense in new relationship and fear that will kill it

[colouringindoors]

New relationship, five months. Really lovely guy I've known for several years as a friend. Great connection. Kind, funny. And great chemistry. All good...

But

I'm recovering from ptsd. Separated from ex for 3 years after he finally got a bipolar diagnosis. Horrendous crises inc almost successful suicide, massive psychotic breakdown. Police involved more than once. Verbally abusive when he was very ill. I was lonely in my marriage for many, many years before we separated (married 20+ years). Also no affection let alone anything else for over half a dozen years before we separated.

I love being with my new man. Whatever we're doing. I love being held by him. We message a little most nights before we go to bed. I see him usually once a week for a good chunk of time. 48 hours after seeing him, I crave being with him again. It's intense and feels OTT. I suspect from having experienced so much trauma and loneliness.

Every couple of weeks I'll get upset that I'm not seeing him more/he maybe hasn't been quite as enthusiastic as me about our next date (and it is me over-reacting etc)/get exhausted by my own emotional rollercoaster and I try and sort myself out so I don't subject him to all the craziness. Don't always succeed.

I need to try and chill. Enjoy what we have. Let it evolve. Not look totally unstable/too intense/emotionally needy and put him off me.

Any advice appreciated.

Anyone?

I don't have any answers but hope someone else can give you good advice. Good luck.

Aounds as though you've got a good level of self-awareness about the situation.

You need to find some ways of self-soothing that don't involve him.

Do you journal? Meditate? Or similar to allow you to catch your feelings before they run away with you?

Do you have a hobby or activity that you can do midweek?

Can you list some things that make you feel good and make sure you're doing at least one of those every day? Listen to music/sing/dance , exercise, masturbate, yoga, do a craft, call a friend for a chat?

Your story of your marriage sounds horrifyingly like mine...and yes, it is so easy to over-think everything when you suddenly find a decent man.

I was lucky, I had a sort of starter relationship afterwards where I practiced being normal (I know, I know). When I met DP, it was scary but I told myself that I would just take it one day at a time.

My only advice, FWIW, is to never act on impulse. Think about every action or reaction for an hour or so, and sometimes you will sort of calm down and realise what are ok things to do and what is too much.

Funnylittlefloozie thank you, that's a helpful tactic, and I'm so sorry to hear you've had a similar experience. I can totally understand the "practising being normal" thing. It may be that this relationship is my "starter" one. Though I'd rather it wasn't for a whole host of reasons!

Palavah thank you. I do kind of journal a bit. On the Notes app on my phone I not infrequently write down really soppy shit, or just really messed up shit...

Last night when feeling very pessimistic I wrote a goodbye letter.... hopefully got some stuff out of my system.

It's so, so horrible not being able to trust your thoughts/feelings.

Oh yeah. Spotify is my friend

Is there a reason you only see each other once a week? I personally would want to see my partner more frequently at five months in, I don't this you are unreasonable in that regard.

To be honest it's not ideal. Our work schedules and parenting responsibilities esp mine, DD with ASD, DS with ptsd and FND make it really hard.

The main thing I get from your post is that you think that if he knew what you were really like, he wouldn’t want you.

Yeah, that's not far off. I don't like me a lot of the time. The highs and lows are exhausting. And while I'm better than I was and I do have good insight, and I've had a load of therapy, I do feel pretty broken some days. He knows a lot - most - of my history with ex. And is lovely about it. And I want to look forward and not be the traumatised version of myself, with him.

So I message him. And at the same time I write down elsewhere the more OTT things I'm thinking. Like I love him for wanting to watch "The World to Come" after my comments about it.

So I'm going to head out for a walk to try and distract myself!

You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself OP. He fell for you just as you are now, not some idealised future version of yourself. No one is perfect, including him. Nothing wrong with self betterment but don't forget to enjoy and appreciate yourself as you are now.