Learning to be happy single

[northernlady2904]

I'm a single lady mind 30's. I have one child who I share 50/50 custody of so plenty of free time.
All of my friends are in LTR or married.
I've dated unsuccessfully for 3 years and I'm at the point where I just think I need to be on my own and find happiness being on my own.
What do you all do on your own?
Would you travel to European cities or go on holiday alone?
I need some stuff to look forward but none of my friends seem to be interested in going away or out much.
I've got holiday booked for next year with my child but tempted to book one on my own too

I'm 58 and have been single for 10 years. I have a teenage son who goes on holiday with his df once a year. I don't date, I've had enough for a while.

I have park run friends, martial arts friends, work friends. Plus the mums of my ds' friends. Plus some family.

I do lots of things my ex tried to stifle, music and photography, I travel and draw. I take city breaks with ds. I'll move when my ds goes to uni so I'm checking out possible new areas. It's such a joy not having a controlling, constantly grumbling man in tow that I'm really enjoying myself.

You're much younger. Have a break. Travel on your own. You'll find someone. x

I have been on holiday alone and have enjoyed it. I have also enjoyed times away with groups of people who have similar interests. So I have gone away with walking groups, for instance, in countries where I’ve had some time only own before and/or after. The groups holidays have all been good fun, I’ve met good friends through them. Give it a try, what do you have to lose?

The bottom line is that you need company around you, reliable company that is regularly around you.

The way I managed when I was single was to join or make multiple friends groups to ensure I didn’t have the “I have not spoken to an adult for days on end” that may happen when you are raising kids on your own.

I had 4 friends groups going but also, I made the point of meeting more single mums who, as me, appreciated a cup of coffee and adult conversation while our kids had fun together.

I did quite a bit of solo traveling before I married and I enjoyed it a lot but this is not enough to keep you going as a single mum, unless you join a singles travel group otherwise you start missing sharing what you see with someone by the third or fourth day.

You need enough people around you to keep you company and support you as a mum… it takes a village to raise a child and all that, so it is important to build that community around you.

My now ex-h left me and our then 2 yo 8 years ago. It took me five years to feel remotely normal again and recover from a high conflict divorce. Ex and OW took up the hobby of making mine and the children's lives miserable. Then I ended up with breast cancer after years of extreme relentless stress. Ex has now lost contact rights and OW is subject to injunctive measures. For the first time in years I feel peaceful.

On the back of this, I am not going to pursue a relationship again. My son has suffered enough. I am clearly a terrible judge of character and I no longer trust myself to pick wisely. After lots of counselling I am at peace with this decision.

The positives are plenty and I love my own space and autonomy over my life. It works for me!

Sorry I got distracted and forgot to add that it hasn't stopped me doing things alone. Also I have lots of friends around to do things with. It's nice to have company sometimes but it doesn't have to be a man. I would have no hesitation with travelling alone, eating out or cinema etc. These opportunities are few and far between as I still have a small child. Don't let being single stop you from doing things!!

Thank you for all your lovely replies.
Yes I agree I need some more friendship groups I guess, it's just finding them.
I work full time so I don't have much free time
Through the day which is when my married friends seem to be free as they are mainly SAHM.
I wonder is there any apps to make new friends in your area?

Do it. Try meetup to find other people doing activities you'd like to do (I'd choose that over meetups to go to the pub, for example). There are loads of facebook groups orientated around activities/ holidays that people are coming to by themselves.

@northernlady2904

Thank you for all your lovely replies. Yes I agree I need some more friendship groups I guess, it's just finding them. I work full time so I don't have much free time Through the day which is when my married friends seem to be free as they are mainly SAHM. I wonder is there any apps to make new friends in your area?

Have you tried meet ups locally? Have a Google. Local FB pages? Ours is full of social things. Worth a look?

Most of my friendship groups started at work as having sole charge of my kid it wasn’t as I could go out often or afford baby sitters regularly.

I had a group of mums I met (with kids) every two weeks, we took turns to host the meet up but always cooked pasta for dinner to keep it cheap and simple.

I am still meeting for coffees with my former boss even when we have not worked together for more than 15 years, and the girl who was my assistant 20 years ago is still one of my best friends, her family welcomed me and DS as one of their own.

Interestingly, most of the company and support has come from other single parents, they tend to be far more busy but they are so used to multitasking they find it easier to make the time to meet. They made my weekends and saved my sanity, whether it was traveling together or sitting in a park with a coffee while our kids kicked a ball, it was always good for all of us as it was not difficult to find a common ground or understanding, at the end of the day, we all were in the same boat!

Just look at it as a work in progress, once you find peace in being single and doing your own thing the desire to find someone, even other friends, deeply subsides, its very freeing.
l happily live like a little hermit, the pressure of trying new groups, activities, keeping busy etc can be tiring, it always felt abit forced, l have made new friends naturally through work. etc, and l have my hobbies. l dont see being single as lacking in anthing, infact its been a very intersting and educational learning curve.

Is there anything you'd like to learn, OP? I started learning an instrument over lockdown and it's become something of a passion... but you might be interested in cooking, history, writing fiction, making hats... anything. Find a course. It's a good way of making friends who are free at the same sorts of times you are, too.

What are your passions though? Do you have any hobbies? Try to become busy. With a new hobby or a side hustle or your career. I think just living for holidays is a bit boring.

I’ve been single 3 years and OLD has been truly shit. It’s hard to meet to people as a single mum. I’m sort of accepting I’ll not meet anyone for a serious relationship. I got back to OLD again recently and met some interesting guys. I take the dates for what they are - just an interesting chat and coffee. I travel solo, go to concerts, voluntary work, enjoy my work and time with colleagues, podcast, attend Meetup groups. My regular yoga classes have been wonderful for me; it’s so lovely seeing the same and different people attend. I chat with the regulars.
I’m naturally an introvert and don’t need people around me but I’ve had phases of feeling deeply low at not having someone (particularly for the physical side of things). I don’t have a friendship group and never had. The people I love are all spread out in different places. It’s taken time but I’m finding peace with my situation.
I told my colleague I was traveling alone soon and she exclaimed how brave I was. I asked her why she thought that. She said most people wouldn’t feel comfortable traveling alone. It then struck me that I was comfortable being alone and she clearly wasn’t.
It takes a lot of time finding acceptance with this situation. I’ve have shed many tears when I’ve been out and seen families and groups of friends doing things together. It hurts less now but it’s helped that I fill my time doing things.

I’ve found the podcast This Jungian Life a wonderful companion over the last few weeks. It’s really helped me to understand things in a different way.

Thanks again for all your replies,
I would really love a new hobby but don't really know what to do. I wanted to join the local hockey club but the days they train aren't compatible with childcare arrangements.

Somebody told me it's good to try to remember what you used to love doing when you were around 11. Old enough to have developed adult aspects of your personality, young enough not to have been conditioned out of your natural desires by the pressures of adulthood.

I thought about it and realised 'Oh yeah, I used to love drawing!' and it set me off on a whole new path. Maybe it'll help you too

You can definitely go on European city breaks on your own. I've been doing it for years and absolutely love it. I prefer it to when I have been in relationships and gone with a partner or gone with friends. You can spend as much or as little time as you like in a museum or gallery without having to consider someone else's needs. Also I've found going on holidays on my own has meant I've got to know other people - I used to go to hiking resorts in the Alps a lot and stay in hotels. I've made some really good friends that way.
Just try it -and then if you find you don't like it on your own there are absolutely loads of activity holidays you could go on eg. art history in Florence, cookery courses in France, trekking holidays.

For a new hobby - you could scan the brochures of your local adult education centre. I don't know how these things have been affected in the UK by the pandemic but I presume things are starting up again. Have a look through the online brochures and see if there is something there that sparks your interest. There will be things there you have never thought of doing. A friend of mine went to a stained glass course 10 years ago because she saw it advertised and even though she knew nothing about it she went along. She still makes the most fantastic stained glass creations and it's become a real passion. She also has friends still from that first course.

Having said all that, I am single and I am generally happy but the pandemic and the various lockdowns have shown me that the vast majority of my friends are superficial - ie. disappearing during the pandemic because the activities we normally do together have been cancelled on and off. So yes, I do still feel lonely sometimes.
I don't really know what the solution to that is. I live quite rurally and I'm in another country where the culture is not one of dropping round for coffee and a chat like I am used to in the UK. So even when I make friends the friendship doesn't progress in quite the way I would hope.

I think when you are single you need two or three groups of friends to keep the loneliness at bay - and a sort of schedule of regular meet-ups. It helps me to have a couple of fixed "hobby" nights a week when I go out somewhere.