Please help me

[Sad456]

Hi,

Not sure how usual this is?

But I'm a 37 year old male that wants to leave his long term partner but feel absolutely terrified. Scared of her reaction, scared to be alone. It's been an addictive relationship at times, she's my only ever partner and I've suffered childhood trauma which affects me today.

I'm currently getting no sleep, struggle to eat and feel exhausted.

I don't know what to say, how to say, when to say it......I literally feel paralysed. Feels painful to stay but painful to leave 😞

Thanks

Firstly, what has bought you to this decision. When you get to that decision its worth holding on to the reasons as it will give you strength to make that final step of finishing it. Why are you scared of her reaction? What do you think she is going to do?

There's no easy way. You need to tell them you no longer want to be in the relationship.

@litterbird it's been resentment built up after years of subtle emotional control. But despite this, I feel I can't make the jump. I know she will go crazy as she's very confrontational. And i don't want things to end badly as we have children

Sadly, in this case it will likely end badly if she is controlling and manipulative. You need to get friends and family to help and support you when you leave. If you feel the children will be in any way in danger then you must act for them too. You appear to be living in a toxic environment which is not good for children to be in. You must make that jump to release yourself and be a good co parent to the children.

It will also do these children no favours at all to remain within such a volatile and otherwise hostile environment. Your boundaries, likely skewed badly by previous trauma, have been further got at and otherwise eroded by this woman now.

Do contact Mankind; they are there for male victims of domestic violence which is what you are describing here:-

www.mankind.org.uk/. Their helpline number is 01823 334244

NAPAC are also worth contacting re childhood trauma (and none of that was in any way your fault either. This is ALL on the perpetrators of violence and abuse against you)

napac.org.uk/

@litterbird thanks. I know to make the jump. It just feels impossible to do. I feel I don't have the strength and I almost feel broken

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the info.

Yes I've never set boundaries. I've just allowed myself to be controlled

Do you have somewhere to go once you have split? Can you afford to rent a flat in advance, or have family/friends to go to?

@essexmummy88 yes I have somewhere to go, I have family I know I can stay with.

Its hard because I grew up in a toxic household where I was always anxious. So the situation I'm in now almost feels normal

Could you go and stay with family 'for a few days' in the first instance OP, maybe say you're struggling MH-wise (true from what you've posted, you do sound very down) and need a few days to get your head straight? Once you're out of the situation it will probably be much easier to figure out your next step.

Baby steps

First, spend more time out of the house and away from her. Say from now until the new year try and build up some places, routines and seeing friends away from her.

Then, as @Harddecisionhelp suggests, spend a few days away. It could be a family member that needs help, a hobby, a break with a friend, whatever excuse you can use, just get away overnight.

Then start the search for somewhere to live. Near enough to see the kids every day if you want, say plan that for Easter.

Don't tell her. Move your stuff out when she and the kids are out. Make sure you pick up the kids and see them that same day and explain everything to them. Then phone her and tell her before you take the kids home, ideally the next day.

See a solicitor before you go and get proper advice on your finances.

I agree, don't tell her until you are out. You will get a barrage of verbal abuse if what you've told us is anything to go by, and it won't do anyone any good.

Thanks for the advice all. Much appreciated.

I definitely need a night or two away to help clear my head. But I know even for that I will get aggro