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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't want family or friendships anymore - did you make it work for you?

25 replies

CrystalPoint · 27/11/2021 14:28

I feel I'm pretty much "done" with people. Most of my life I've been a relatively social person but since I've decided I no longer want to have unpleasant or selfish family / friends in my life, I've broken away from nearly all of them. In many ways its been timely, and a relief.

I suppose I've experienced quite alot of trauma from different people in my life (mainly women and groups) which may have contributed to this. Perhaps I am also something of a natural 'solitary'. Also, my age (62) and v poor health about half the time may be relevant.

Regardless, I appreciate many other things in life, perhaps more so now I have the time and energy to give to them. I am also happy to have contact with acquaintances and strangers, but generally don't want to take things further. However, I'm aware that this is a little "odd" or unusual, and wondered if others found this worked for them and found positive ways to live this way also?

OP posts:

layladomino · 27/11/2021 17:04

Is it that you don't want family / friendships, or you don't want to deal with selfish / unpleasant family / friends?

Original poster

CrystalPoint · 27/11/2021 18:25

Both.

OP posts:

Clymene · 27/11/2021 18:26

Well if you don't want to have friends, that's easily done. I'm not clear what you're looking for tips on?

I have friends but not people I see or speak to very often. I'm perfectly happy

Muddyhe · 27/11/2021 18:30

If you're "not clear" Clymene perhaps this isn't the thread for your chippy input. Just saying.

ChristmasScrooge · 27/11/2021 18:35

I'm the same op only a bit younger. I've done it for the past 5 years after a lot of "friends" caused me a lot of needless drama and I LOVE it. I do have contact with some family members but we don't live near so don't see each other often. Apart from that im happy getting my social interaction from my kids, associates and strangers.
I keep myself busy with books, crafts, photography. I love it, no More drama!

Original poster

CrystalPoint · 27/11/2021 18:38

Interesting, Christmas. Its quite hard to explain because this forum is, of course, all about 'relationships' ...

OP posts:

ftw163532 · 27/11/2021 18:53

Ok, so you're not proposing to eliminate any human contact / social interactions, simply that you don't want to let anybody close to you anymore? Acquaintances are ok because they're at arm's length (and therefore safer)?

I mean, it's pretty natural as a trauma response and it makes sense to feel relieved if you've cut contact with toxic people - but longer term you might need to be careful that you still have enough human contact.

Even when trauma means people/closeness make you feel unsafe, it can still make you unwell to have no contacts with anybody. As long as you're mindful of that, it's your life.

Maybe you just need breathing space for a while and at some point will feel differently and want relationships of some degree. Relief fades once you have adjusted to the new situation and at some point will be replaced with different feelings and needs. (I don't mean to revisit the old relationships, but to feel differently about exploring new relationships with different people.)

If it's what you need right now then go with it, but I would be careful not to paint yourself into a corner where you can't connect with anyone in future if you so wish, that's all.

Clymene · 27/11/2021 18:55

@Muddyhe

If you're "not clear" Clymene perhaps this isn't the thread for your chippy input. Just saying.

I wasn't being chippy Genuinely wondering what the OP is asking. Is she worried she will be lonely? Bored? People will think she's weird?

I can help with all those. I've been single for years.

Do you have any advice or have you just come on the thread to have a pop at me?

DeadoftheMoon · 27/11/2021 18:56

OP, I'm a couple of years older than you. I've cut contact with anyone I don't feel like bothering with, which is pretty much everyone except a few family members. If you're planning Christmas alone, just get nice treats and plan what you'll watch/listen to/read.

RubyTuesday70 · 27/11/2021 19:03

I have little to no contact with extended family, thanks to my golden child sister and her constantly playing the victim. At first I was heartbroken, now I'm just relieved to be honest. I found that it was really getting me down and making me feel that there was something deeply wrong with me.

I adore my DC, my grandkids and my DH. They're all I need.

Original poster

CrystalPoint · 27/11/2021 19:10

ftw, yes some relevant points, I'm not sure how this will go, but I have been thinking about this for a while and think this way will serve me best even if its unconventional. I have no DH, or GC etc or other family members (though I do loosely keep in contact with one family member if they need me is all).

OP posts:

Sensateria · 27/11/2021 19:12

I have a very small family and acquaintances through hobbies like book club and a walking group, and work, and I have a reasonable ‘superficial’ social life I can dip in and out of as I feel like with no expectations, and that satisfies me.

Any time I’ve felt like I wanted something more I pretty soon get exhausted with the dynamics, politics and drama between what, from the outside, seems like even the most mundane group of people.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/11/2021 19:13

Fine, but don't come complaining here later that you have no friends. There's a thread now about a woman who's husband has left her who has no friends...

Gwenhwyfar · 27/11/2021 19:13

And think about what you'd do if you have to have an operation and the hospital will only do it if you show up with a friend.

BackBackBack · 27/11/2021 19:31

@Gwenhwyfar

Fine, but don't come complaining here later that you have no friends. There's a thread now about a woman who's husband has left her who has no friends...

But if they are selfish friends then the chances are that they wouldn't be there if OP needed them anyway, so she's no worse off. In fact it's better, because at least this way she has to plan for events - rather than working on the basis that friends will step in, and being upset and disappointed when they don't.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/11/2021 19:33

"But if they are selfish friends then the chances are that they wouldn't be there if OP needed them anyway, so she's no worse off."

ALL her friends and all her potential friends are selfish??
Even if that's true, find better friends rather than giving up on friends forever.

ftw163532 · 27/11/2021 19:38

@Gwenhwyfar

"But if they are selfish friends then the chances are that they wouldn't be there if OP needed them anyway, so she's no worse off."

ALL her friends and all her potential friends are selfish??
Even if that's true, find better friends rather than giving up on friends forever.

I don't think it's quite as simple as shopping for new shoes.

Hen2018 · 27/11/2021 19:52

@Gwenhwyfar

And think about what you'd do if you have to have an operation and the hospital will only do it if you show up with a friend.

I’ve managed that. Do you think they refuse to operate on people who aren’t collected by family or friends?

BackBackBack · 27/11/2021 19:55

@Gwenhwyfar

"But if they are selfish friends then the chances are that they wouldn't be there if OP needed them anyway, so she's no worse off."

ALL her friends and all her potential friends are selfish??
Even if that's true, find better friends rather than giving up on friends forever.

It's not as simple as "finding better friends". Perhaps it might be for you, but we aren't all the same, are we?

And if you read the OP, she says "I've decided I no longer want to have unpleasant or selfish family / friends in my life, I've broken away from nearly all of them."

MorganSeventh · 27/11/2021 20:00

It's your life and you can live it as you choose. However, given your poor health I think it would be wise to think and pre-emptively act to address how you're going to manage as your health worsens? That might mean things like moving into sheltered accommodation before you need or want to, because if you get to the stage where you need to, you'll be too ill to arrange it and there may be no one else to help. That might mean paying out for really good health insurance to cover convalescent care, to prevent the situation where the hospital can't release you because there's no one to stay with you afterwards.

To some extent forewarned is forearmed. With good planning you'd be in a stronger position than the people who blithely assume that friends and family will step up in a crisis only to find that they don't. However, for the people I have known who took the approach of not wanting close social contacts, things were okay until their health failed and then suddenly things really weren't. The last couple of years of their life were (needlessly IMO) brutal as a result of their earlier decision to isolate themselves and I believe they regretted that choice. That outcome is not inevitable of course but it does require forward planning to avoid.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 27/11/2021 20:05

It's really just practical stuff like certain medical procedures that require a second person - eye surgery, colonoscopy. One place I know won't allow a ride service to collect you.

I do think there are a lot of older women in this position, not necessarily because a decision was made to go it alone, but because it just ended up that way.

ChristmasScrooge · 28/11/2021 09:21

Some of you are making out like it's easy to find new "normal" friends.
It's really not that simple.

FreshFreesias · 28/11/2021 19:37

I get you OP. I’ve let a few ‘close’ friends drift recently and it’s really better to be on your own then deal with toxicity.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/11/2021 19:43

I’m 41 and like this. I don’t have any family. My only remaining relative died in 2019 and my dh is no contact with all of his. With dh and my 2 dc and my poor health that’s enough for me and I really cannot be interested or bothered with anyone else. I do enjoy the social banter that Mumsnet provides but that’s because it’s on my own terms - I can just shut it down and walk away. There are no demands and no expectations.

Eddielzzard · 28/11/2021 19:46

Sounds to me like you've had too many low quality friendships / relationships. I get where you're at, but I would never close the door to a potentially strong friendship. These can be amazingly fulfilling. I think friendship is underrated.

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