Moving on from abuse

[twinkletwinkleangel]

I'm a regular poster here who over the past year has posted and asked for advice about certain aspects of the relationship I was in.

The relationship ended very traumatically. My partner was abusive mentally and physically and it was only when I ended up at A and E two days after I gave birth that services became involved and we were forced to separate.

Since then I've realised I was trauma bonded. I ignored everything everyone was telling me. I was brainwashed by him and his family. Over the last few months I've processed everything that has happened and realised how bad and wrong what he did was.

The problem is, although I am doing well generally, I have days where I'd have him back in a heartbeat. I think about him all the time. I focus on the good times and feel a heavy grief for what we could have had and messed up. He left me with a newborn baby. I now have a lifetime of being a single mum and 18 years of having to be in contact with him. I feel like I will never ever get over what has happened r be able to form a relationship ever again. I feel destroyed.

Life now is just surviving each day with anger that he trapped me with the baby and why could I not see it.

Anyone x

It won't always be that way, you say you've processed it but it can take years as trauma can mess with your perspective so much.
I'm a year along (15 years police SS involved so it ended suddenly) and still feel pangs of grief and missing what I thought we had. But they last a minute or 2 then I feel my face turning to a sneer because I am not resentful of being left behind anymore, but I am very aware that he was an arsehole.

I also had the resentment about being trapped with the kids while he swanned off, I was angry that I would have to stay in touch with him. He recently abandoned the kids due to a new GF on the scene which definitely helped with the missing him!

Time is your friend here and counselling may help you, work on your self esteem, remind yourself of any improvements since he left frequently. I know these are all cliches but they work.

I'm still messed up by the fuckery that man pulled, he convinced me I'm unlikeable let alone loveable and he did it without me realising. But I have had a few days recently where he doesn't enter my head at all.

Do not beat yourself up for not being over it yet. The longer you take the more healing you are doing.

Thank you so much and I'm sorry you've been through similar. The trauma is horrific and mind boggling and so hard to unravel. The swings in my moods and thoughts are crazy.

I'm still messed up by the fuckery that man pulled, he convinced me I'm unlikeable let alone loveable and he did it without me realising.

Same here. I finally left with my DC with just the clothes on our back and a few of their belongings.

Since we we separated he's tried to rekindle a few times, and in moments of weakness we've slept together. Afterwards I feel absolutely wretched with myself, so I know I'd never ever take him back. Life is easier on your own, and my DC get to not grow up in a toxic environment.

Just be kind to yourself, understand that there's no unwritten timeline for healing.

I've felt insane at times, totally overwhelmed, lost utterly wretched and despondent. The unfair thing (one of many unfairnesses!) is that it's not a straight road. I was soaring along at times full of hope and then boom I was back a few stages and full of doubt.

It's such a hard slog. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel now but I also understand this experience has changed me forever and it sucks arse tbf.

Me too x

It really does help to keep talking, or journaling or mumsnetting!

My IRL people got fed up of hearing it (I felt) so I have pages of angry ranty stuff on my laptop. It feels silly at first but it really helps over time to go back weeks/months later and you can see which bits you have really processed and which bits you still need to.

I can't imagine ever wanting him back, 8 weeks ago this mindset was something I never thought would happen. I was still thinking about him while (ahem) enjoying alone time in bed, I still had fantasies about him seeing me with a new man looking good etc. Thats all gone now.

I am genuinely saddened about the 15 years I could have spent with someone who loved me. I am angry that I've been left a shell of the woman I was, I am angry I thought he loved me.
I am not feeling saddened because he didn't love me/treat me properly/has moved on to my mate because my focus has finally shifted to me

It's an incredible difference in my outlook.

If I saw him on fire I wouldn't even pull up a chair to watch him burn. He means that little to me. (I obviously wouldn't put him out I won't be forgiving him ever) but I no longer feel he is 'my person' to hate/to love/to miss if that makes sense.

He is now totally irrelevant and reding your post has actually helped me accept that I have moved a couple of steps along. I was exactly where you are 2 months ago.

I agree time helps. Every day it feels easier but then you get the bad days or the triggers. Somewhere we went together. Then I realise even at the time it wasn't real, I was co Vinci get myself life was different. I genuinely think apart from almost destroying me, he sent me genuinely crazy.

It's the years of punishment then positive reinforcement. Your brain literally gets rewired like that of an addict, and you're craving the one person who hurts you the most. There's a saying 'the heart gets confused when it's told I love you by the very person who destroys it'. That's what you are feeling and it's a normal response to escaping abuse. You wouldn't feel these mood swings if you were not starting to recover, that's a good sign.

Write a list of all the things he did to hurt you and when you start missing him, look at it and remember. You are missing your hopes and dreams and the sadness that they are gone. But you can make new dreams and plans that are yours alone. It won't always be a straight line of recovery, but you're already on the path. Just a step at a time.

Never underestimate the impact of gaslighting, I was aware of it happening and thought that meant I was unaffected. But then I've found I don't know anything about myself.

It is that positive reinforcement/criticism/abuse/gaslighting that leaves you doubting everything until they tell you're 'allowed' to believe X,Y and Z. Then they're gone and no-one is telling you what you're 'allowed' to believe anymore and it's horrible.

It does feel like fucking insanity. I've felt like a lost kid whenever I'm asked a question since the split and I'm 41!

Oh god absolutely. At times I've thought one thing then believed the complete opposite. It was the subtleties too that got me!

😫

OP I got out of an abusive marriage where I didn't realise I was being abused (emotionally) until I was out and had perspective. I then had years of repercussions over our DS and his NC with his dad. I'm not going to lie - the road ahead isn't going to be easy for you but it will get better and you will move on. When you think you miss him or your 'coupledom' remind yourself of the abuse! Force yourself to remember the bad times and congratulate yourself for being where you are now.

Good luck!