I moved away, friendship seems to have completely broken down almost overnight

[kendallroy]

There is a slight backstory to this but I'm not very good at writing it down in massive paragraphs and I don't know what's relevant and what's not.

My problem is the fact that I haven't been in contact with a good friend for just over a month now. We used to text multiple times a week, sometimes daily.

I can't help but feel I'm 'out of sight and out of mind' or that she's pissed off I've moved to the other end of the country.

I want to text her and basically say, it's a shame we seem to have let our friendship break down, and I need advice on how to do that without making things worse.

The friendship could have just come to a natural end, of course.

I am very sorry for your loss.
I think your friendship has moved on.
You said at one point she was pushing you to devulge information you were not ready to devulge. Maybe you are not as suited to being close friends as you think you are. You are very private and she wants to know more than you want to give.
There must be a reason why you felt with the first IVF you didn't want to tell her but did anyway. Feeling under pressure again? If you don't feel you can trust her with personal information about yourself - and maybe you can't - again maybe the friendship is not as good as maybe other friendship.

It sounds like you'd pulled away before moving away and the friendship isn't strong enough to sustain. This is understandable as it was based on your DC and motherhood experiences, which can be very intense in those early days where people often need to share a lot in this new era of their lives, but actually beyond that you might not be well suited. You sound resentful about listening to her family issues and have expectations of cards for moving and condolences which is not something I've ever experienced with best friends and is no reflection on the friendships. You didn't want to confide in her about your IVF and that's fine and your prerogative, but that plus moving to the other end of the country would make her wonder what point there is in continuing. Put your energies into establishing new connections in your new home.

There must be a reason why you felt with the first IVF you didn't want to tell her but did anyway.

This is probably more about me being ok with sharing until the situation is bad enough where I shut down and want to keep it to myself.

I know people say talking about problems makes them better, but with somethings I find the opposite. We're not matched in that opinion unfortunately

You sound resentful about listening to her family issues and have expectations of cards for moving and condolences which is not something I've ever experienced with best friends and is no reflection on the friendships.

Yes, resentment definitely set in after I noticed how unreasonable she can be with how she wants people to treat her.

This is tied in to me expecting cards etc from her - she expects them from other people and I obliged. Birthday presents and cards, for her and her daughter, moving cards etc

If you resent her, why not just let it die? What are you hoping to achieve by texting her?

I’m unclear what you think you still gain from the friendship, you haven’t said a single nice thing about the woman. You describe her as pushy, intrusive, insensitive, uncaring, selfish, inconsiderate through all of her behaviour and you resent her so much it seems it was over before you moved.

Why pursue it, even to complain she hasn’t been in touch?

Be thankful for any positives you feel you enjoyed before things got so tense, then move on in your head.

If I had an inkling a friend of mine had such a long list of complaints I’d be putting my time and energy elsewhere.

Why did you move? Maybe she has things going on that you are not privy to.

@CSJobseeker

If you resent her, why not just let it die? What are you hoping to achieve by texting her?

I don't resent her as a whole person!

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m unclear what you think you still gain from the friendship, you haven’t said a single nice thing about the woman. You describe her as pushy, intrusive, insensitive, uncaring, selfish, inconsiderate through all of her behaviour and you resent her so much it seems it was over before you moved.

Why pursue it, even to complain she hasn’t been in touch?

Be thankful for any positives you feel you enjoyed before things got so tense, then move on in your head.

If I had an inkling a friend of mine had such a long list of complaints I’d be putting my time and energy elsewhere.

I feel like this is over the top, I haven't used half of the words you've said I have. Thanks for your comment anyway though

She cannot be a ‘whole’ friend I don’t think, and you only accept and like a part of her. The ambivalence is probably on both sides,

@AtrociousCircumstance

She cannot be a ‘whole’ friend I don’t think, and you only accept and like a part of her. The ambivalence is probably on both sides,

True.

I miss the good parts I suppose! Honestly feels like a relationship breakdown in a way, maybe because it was intense at first

This bit stood out for me

I believe my friend was incredibly put out by this. She asked me all the time 'how was I doing?' I would reply in general terms 'yeah good, at the park freezing my arse off, how are you?' She would reply asking 'how's IVF?'

sometimes I would say 'yeah fine' other times I would leave it and start a fresh conversation the next day or whatever. Basically either non-committal or swerve completely.

this carried on for ages. Second round of IVF did indeed work. Around 10 weeks pregnant, I went round for a catch up and pizza etc. restrictions had largely lifted too.

Did you ever actually tell her that you didn't want to talk about the IVF? Being non-committal or "swerving" questions is not treating her with respect. It would have been kinder to say that you appreciated her interest but you were feeling very sensitive and had decided not to discuss the treatment with anyone this time.

Looking back on that time she may well feel hurt that you were not honest with her and she may feel the friendship wasn't the mutually trusting one she thought it was.

Maybe that's not it at all but you can't expect people to read your mind, you have to be clear about boundaries.

You know the expression about friends being for a reason or a season or a lifetime? It sounds like your friendship was important to both of you at a particular point in your lives but that things have moved on and you are both ok with letting it go.

It comes across that you want everything to be on your terms. You wanted her support when it suited you, but were dismissive when it did not.

She's probably grateful for some distance.

I'm inclined to agree that it comes across you expect the friendship to be solely on your terms.
But also that you expect her to read your mind.

Did you ever actually tell her that you didn't want to talk about the IVF?

Yeah I did. But maybe I wasn't actually as clear as I thought I was, not sure.

I was 100% clear I didn't want to talk about it during the conversation where she was getting really cross with me though. I look back at that evening and wonder why I didn't just leave. Instead I kept apologising for making her feel pushed away.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

I'm inclined to agree that it comes across you expect the friendship to be solely on your terms. But also that you expect her to read your mind.

I was just replying to you!

@CorrBlimeyGG

It comes across that you want everything to be on your terms. You wanted her support when it suited you, but were dismissive when it did not.

She's probably grateful for some distance.

I don't think I was dismissive. I was more guarded which I genuinely believe, considering the circumstances, I was allowed to be.

I would speak about everything else as normal. I just didn't want to speak about ivf in detail, or really at all.

I'm confused, are you rustydoor or kendallroy?

In any case, from your update about her pushing when you had said you didn't want to talk about it, that is not cool. If she can't respect boundaries she isn't much of a friend.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

I'm confused, are you rustydoor or kendallroy?

In any case, from your update about her pushing when you had said you didn't want to talk about it, that is not cool. If she can't respect boundaries she isn't much of a friend.

Ahhh name fail. I'm trying to keep one name for this thread as it's fairly outing. Sorry! Please don't report me as a troll or anything.

You can get mnhq to change your name change fail posts op, to stop you being outed! I do it all the time

@AurevoirLesEnfants

You can get mnhq to change your name change fail posts op, to stop you being outed! I do it all the time

Thanks, I haven't used 'rustydoor' anywhere yet, I think I'm ok!

It sounds like a friendship based around only part of your lives, motherhood and pregnancy etc— I realise that’s what dominates when kidsare small but why moving away she may not feel so invested as there won’t be regular meet ups. Some people are a bit like this— they aren’t rounded friendships- they are friendships for a specific time and place in life

@tarasmalatarocks

It sounds like a friendship based around only part of your lives, motherhood and pregnancy etc— I realise that’s what dominates when kidsare small but why moving away she may not feel so invested as there won’t be regular meet ups. Some people are a bit like this— they aren’t rounded friendships- they are friendships for a specific time and place in life

It's a shame but that might be true. I believed our friendship was more than that.

It's been a weird couple of years, obviously taken it's toll

Sometimes it happens, you know life gets messy and you cant keep in touch as much as you would like. If you're really good friends, maybe you can call her and explain how you feel.