Grey rock when my blood is boiling

[AngrySunday]

Ex DP is having our son today for a few hours. I am dropping him off but my mum is collecting as I'll be at work. From another thread I'm wondering if ex is a covert narsassist. He has even said before he thinks he has a personality disorder. Any way ex has moved on and he currently just makes my blood boil when I have to communicate with him. How can I grey rock successfully. I'm taking a friend for drop off. Will wear sun glasses to avoid any eye contact. I've instructed friend to not let me talk. Is there anything else I should be doing? I wondered about writing a short blurb to cover any hand over as our son is only 2.

I am really sorry but you HAVE to get over this, maybe see a therapist. You will be having dealings with this person for at least the next 16 years, this is not healthy for you or your son. Your ex has moved on, you need to work out what is stopping you from moving on too.
You don’t have to talk to him, but you do have to deal with the anger!

Thank you and yes I know I do need to deal with the anger. The break is recent and my GP has put me in touch with counseling and domestic abuse support in our area. I'm sorting all this out next week. He keeps blackmailing me and threatening me which is why I get so angry because I'm still being controlled. I wish I didn't feel this way at all. I want our son to grow up with good adult relationships around him. He moved on so quickly and he rubs it in my face how much better she is than me. I tbh feel sorry for her as I was her a few years ago. He knows exactly how to get to me in the quickest way possible.

Ok, fake it until you make it time.

No matter what you feel inside, do not let him see it. Work out if you need to tell him anything about your son, practice saying it and then when you’ve said it to his face, hug your son and leave. Don’t engage in any other conversation.

You can do this x

Do you need to put yourself through this?

Can the friend do the handover?

You seem very vulnerable and raw.

He sounds horrific.

Plan the physical logistics and then the emotional preparation.

Can you meet to handover in a public space - so it’s neutral territory eg car park and quick

Or can you decide not to go in the house?

Google grounding exercises and breath techniques - to dial right down your stress and anger for the x minutes handover.

Chanel a bright breezy efficient busy receptionist - the task is to shuffle your DC over calmly and quickly and be gone. Concentrate on your DC - they shouldn’t be able to sense your stress as they have enough of their own.

Imagine you are wearing a thick glass dome over your head where your exs words are distant and fuzzy.

Don’t get drawn into any conversation - just v short vague vanilla responses to close down any conversation “Will come back to you on that”

Your indifference to him will sting
Silence and detachment are powerful
Style it out - don’t let him provoke you to giving him anger, negative or anxious energy.

Good luck.

If he's blackmailing you and threatening you, is this something you can go to the police with?

It may help you down the road if you have such behaviour officially recorded, even if it doesn't go much further.

Could you have third-party handovers for access?

If you really have to see him, yes grey rock, and then go scream, hit pillows or whatever in private.

He moved on so quickly and he rubs it in my face how much better she is than me.

That's not 'moving on'. That's 'shagging someone else'. He will only have truly moved on when he stops caring what you think. So if YOU genuinely move on now you can beat him to it. (Although of course if that's your motivation, you won't have truly moved on either.)

Have you tried feminism? It's excellent for stopping you caring about men and their feeble opinions.

And do keep any threats he makes if he texts/messages you them.

If a third party does the hand over it will fuel him but maybe that is my own fear. I'm not sure. I've lost myself with it all. I'm hoping to get some clarity on it all next week.

The threats and blackmail are all emotional. I doubt that the police would be interested. It is all too do with our son, house and things he thinks I have done over the years. Everything I say is twisted and then "I don't think you're suitable to look after my son" starts.

You don't have to formally announce you're doing 3rd party handovers to him - just get your mate to do the drop-off this time, your mum is already doing the pick-up. So that would be this time covered, and then you're going to get a chance to talk through your options with the domestic abuse support people.

Two things-
grey rock is two way, you need to see him as a grey rock too. He is uninteresting, boring, of no relevance to you any more. You don't need to listen to what he says- ho hum, he's rattling on again, what will I have for tea....

Practice. Have some phrases that you trot out that will do regardless of anything he says. 'Right oh'. 'I see'. 'I'll let you know'. 'Have a nice day'.
Just be aware enough that you aren't accidentally agreeing to sign away your life's work!

Have your focus on your son. Talk to your son and through your son. 'Ok Billy, your drink is in this bag, Daddy will look after your nappies, grandma is collecting you' etc.

He's a nasty manipulative prick ! But he's an ex. Bliss! What he wants or thinks is totally irrelevant now.

Why are you bothered what he says? Who cares? Just feel sorry for the new woman, she has all this nonsense to deal with in the future.

Ignore him, come home and do all the things he hated. Eat food you prefer, play your music, soak in the bath in peace. Enjoy your freedom and stop worrying about him - he's history.

Thank you all for the tips and help. I feel sick already thinking about drop off. He wants to discuss things about the house with me. I'm trying to keep calm but just feel horrendous already. Need to think more two way grey rock. I'll read this again before I head over and have my not-interested nice phrases ready

Remember, you don't have to discuss things on his schedule.
And you certainly don't have to agree to anything on his schedule.

He doesn't have the power anymore. He doesn't control this.

Don't get pushed into anything. Just say something like "email me your thoughts on that, I will think it over, I don't think now's the time for this discussion esp in front of Billy"

@category12 thank you. That's a great idea. I have honestly forgotten that I can say no to things etc. He always if the victim and spins it that I'm the one who is controlling and everything is always on my time to get his own way.

The trouble with conversations is that they get twisted. For today maybe tell him you haven't got time to talk as you have to get to work and better to email what he wants to say. Would that work?

You need to take yourself out of punching distance. He doesn’t get to interact with you directly.

Tell him that all correspondence is via a specific email address - that everything goes into a folder which is screened and censored once a week by a third party before you read and will respond on email within the following week. There is also a separated parents app for a single channel of communication.

Block him on everything else. Tell everyone that he is menacing and harassing you - friends, family, work, neighbours - so that he can’t inadvertently go through them. You don’t have to give any details just say that you are under threat and can they not give him any info about you and movements.

Maybe get a cheap phone that you turn on only when your DC is with him for emergencies (or unblock for the weekend) - but that is probably giving him too much rope and an alert attached to emails from him set for the weekend only would do the job.

Well done for getting out.

You need to focus on your healing and recovery and to do this you need to be physically and emotionally very distant and protected from the source of your abuse.

Agree today is about the hand over - calm and sensitive focused on the DC.

Is he coming to you? Or you to him?

You don't have to discuss things if you don't want to. Just say "I'd prefer to do this in writing, it's much more efficient." Show his emails to your Mum or a trusted friend so they can filter out any abuse/bullshit. BE STRONG! You'll be fine. Isn't it great that you don't have to live with this arsehole any more?

Sorry I see you are dropping him off.

Don’t go in. Be ready to be efficient and turn around. Tell him to email you.

The house stuff is just a trap to drag you through punishment and pain. You don’t have to let that happen.

He might want to discuss something with you. But you don't have to discuss it. Just be ready to say 'I don't have time for that today - another time'.

He can't control you if you don't let him. He can try. And he clearly hasn't 'moved on' if he's still trying to.

He is an abusive man and you are free! You are the lucky one here. I know it will be hard at times, but you are in control of your future, not him. He is a deeply flawed man who you were unfortunate enough to get entangled with for a while.

I echo pp. Channel a breezy, slightly rushed, all's well character. Talk to your son not your ex. Play act the part until it's real. You are happy, confident, in control.

The less you respond to him and his taunts, the more he is dimished. And the less fun it will be for him.

Don't get pushed into anything. Just say something like "email me your thoughts on that, I will think it over, I don't think now's the time for this discussion esp in front of Billy"

This is such a good idea. You need to realise he isn’t in control of you anymore. You do NOT need to ever speak to him face to face again if you don’t want to.
Keeping face to face talks to a minimum means the opportunities to manipulate you are down to the absolute minimum, and you will feel so much more in control.

I agree with others. Focus on your child. Give your ex the least interaction you can. Stock phrases are good to have... practice these. They will go out your head if he starts. I would try and channel any communication about finances, home etc into email so you then have time to think plus a written trail. It is hard to get into your head that you can say no, but you absolutely can. He has very little power over you...just what he can exert via your child. Wear clothes you feel good in too, it gives you a bit of armour. I don't mean glammed up ready for a night out, I just mean something you like to wear.
Be glad you are out of it.

I'd just thought I'd update as all your messages really helped. I went with my friend and I was polite and breezy. I grabbed what I needed. Settled my son in and we left. I know it sounds silly to some but I was so proud I did it! And I feel better for not getting suckered in to anything nasty.

Well done! a each time you do it, you'll feel more confident about the next time.

You don’t sound silly at all, I’m so pleased it went well for you!