Grown up children

[AliLiz]

My son is now 24. When he was growing up, my husband and I had many arguments, brought about by the fact we had to move every few years and I found it emotionally too much. My son still has issues with this, and as he's currently living with us I find myself on pins just in case something triggers a sensitive spot. We've recently moved...again, and I'm having to deal with my settling in, a new job, his feeling of isolation (he works from home and his timetable means he can't get to a club: archery, boxing etc) so to work off some of his frustration so he has resorted to over-drinking to get himself off to sleep, and I'm scared he'll over-do it one night. It keeps me feeling quite tense. That in summary is how it is at the moment.

I sympathise. My son is 26 and has major anxiety and isolation issues. He witnessed a lot of arguing between his dad and birth mum, and his dad and me before I ended the marriage. He also witnessed/experienced domestic violence between/from his birth mum and various of her partners.

Do you ever talk to your son about his feelings and memories? I really pushed my son's school and CAMHS to get him proper psychiatric help in his teens and it helped immensely. He still very much struggles with things, but he is actually much more self-aware and emotionally literate than most people his age.

I've encouraged my son to move out to his own place and be independent... it's kind of working, I do have to help him with "stuff" most days - he has dyslexia so often needs my help reading and dealing with post.

It sounds like you're still with your H? I have to say if I'd stayed with mine I think my son would now be very emotionally guarded and we would have at best a superficial relationship.

It does sound like you're treading on eggshells around your son (if I've read your post right.) That won't do him any favours in the long run. You need to maintain boundaries while supporting him. Useful phrases can include:
"I will always love you DS, but I am not liking your behaviour right now"
"I understand you are angry/sad/anxious, but it's not okay for you to try to pass that on to me by insulting/shouting at/threatening me"
"I am happy for you to live here but you need to be part of the team. There's loads of stuff you could pick up responsibility for - what do you fancy having a go at? Everyone needs to pull their weight."

Support him in anything that is positive for his health, e.g. helping him make appt with gp and accompany him if he needs it.

Thanks for your supporting letter. He's pretty self-aware, he basically 'looks after' his own side of the house, which was originally a granny flat. When he was growing up he used to make me laugh, he was and still is very special to me. But I think he blames me for the atmosphere in the house when he was little, whereas I (honestly) resented my husband putting work before family. He felt there was no other job for him. I'd have been happy with a simpler life if it meant we had some stability. The kids had to leave behind friends, familiar places, etc etc. It's been a catalogue of emotional heartache, and yes it is amazing we're still together...