Struggles with attraction

[Leafypattern]

I have a hard time finding men physically attractive. Especially when it comes to the body and the “male parts” but even in the face, I’m never like “wow”. I don’t even feel that way about supposed really good looking men you see on tv or magazines. I don’t know how to give compliments in that way and it makes me uncomfortable that I can’t or that I would hurt a mans confidence. I am able to flirt and definitely have sexual desire, but I feel like if I’m not physically attracted to someone then how can I fully enjoy that side of things?

I hope this doesn’t come across as shallow because I’ve always been someone that goes for personality rather than the physical but just genuinely curious if this is a common thing and can be worked around/matters at all if you love the person enough

Are you attracted to women?
Could you be asexual?

@NynaeveSedai

Are you attracted to women? Could you be asexual?

I’m not attracted to women physically either

What is your sexual desire related to if you don't find anyone attractive? I don't fancy a lot of people but when I do it's very intense. Have you ever been attracted to anyone?

What about Matt Hancock? Makes most of MN swoon.

Think back to the men in your past for whom you have felt desire.
What was it about them that attracted you?

His smell? The way he moved? His voice? Physical appearance is such a small part of what attracts a woman to a man.

@furbabymama87

What is your sexual desire related to if you don't find anyone attractive? I don't fancy a lot of people but when I do it's very intense. Have you ever been attracted to anyone?

Well I have only been in two serious relationships and I found neither attractive. I just don’t really find anyone attractive like that. Now I think about it, my sexual desire only really comes when I am alone in bed at night. When I was in those relationships, it was sort of a case of obligation, not actually wanting to

@rosegoldwatcher

Think back to the men in your past for whom you have felt desire. What was it about them that attracted you?

His smell? The way he moved? His voice? Physical appearance is such a small part of what attracts a woman to a man.

You definitely have a point with voice there! but I didn’t really think about that until Now, I was just focusing on body and looks

This is really interesting as I feel like this too. As a teenager, I could never understand why my friends would swoon over boys and pop stars and I couldn't see what the attraction was. For me, if I'm attracted to someone, it's because of something else. Most people would say my exes aren't traditionally attractive in any way, yet I was drawn to something about them.

I've often wondered if I'm a lesbian as I do find many women attractive to look at, but not in a sexual way at all. It's confusing.

@TabithaTiger

This is really interesting as I feel like this too. As a teenager, I could never understand why my friends would swoon over boys and pop stars and I couldn't see what the attraction was. For me, if I'm attracted to someone, it's because of something else. Most people would say my exes aren't traditionally attractive in any way, yet I was drawn to something about them.

I've often wondered if I'm a lesbian as I do find many women attractive to look at, but not in a sexual way at all. It's confusing.

Yes this completely ^ you read my mind

@TabithaTiger

This is really interesting as I feel like this too. As a teenager, I could never understand why my friends would swoon over boys and pop stars and I couldn't see what the attraction was. For me, if I'm attracted to someone, it's because of something else. Most people would say my exes aren't traditionally attractive in any way, yet I was drawn to something about them.

I've often wondered if I'm a lesbian as I do find many women attractive to look at, but not in a sexual way at all. It's confusing.

Just a thought, do you find it easy to get on with men? Like in a friend/intellectual/emotional way? Because I’ve always been like that and that is what I find attractive

Did you enjoy sex in your long term relationships i.e even if you didn't find them attractive, were you able to feel sexual desire WITH them?

You mention sexual desire only happening alone at night - what turns you on in that situation if it's not someone's looks?

I also find very few men attractive. When l was a young adult, my friends swapped and changed boyfriends all the time. I couldn’t even kiss someone unless l felt a really strong attraction. Consequently l spent years on my own.

I have a certain type, l know instinctively when I see them.

@todaysdilemma

Did you enjoy sex in your long term relationships i.e even if you didn't find them attractive, were you able to feel sexual desire WITH them?

You mention sexual desire only happening alone at night - what turns you on in that situation if it's not someone's looks?

Yes perhaps only on an emotional connection level though. I never found it exciting or enjoyed it. I felt something missing because I didn’t desire their bodies. I felt uncomfortable with them knowing I didn’t find them attractive. If I’m alone I can thinking about them as a person…..if that makes sense?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I also find very few men attractive. When l was a young adult, my friends swapped and changed boyfriends all the time. I couldn’t even kiss someone unless l felt a really strong attraction. Consequently l spent years on my own.

I have a certain type, l know instinctively when I see them.

Yes even kissing felt very awkward, it took a while to get used to it… but that’s exactly what it was, used to it, not really want to and to make them feel happy and wanted

@User135644

What about Matt Hancock? Makes most of MN swoon.

@TabithaTiger

This is really interesting as I feel like this too. As a teenager, I could never understand why my friends would swoon over boys and pop stars and I couldn't see what the attraction was. For me, if I'm attracted to someone, it's because of something else. Most people would say my exes aren't traditionally attractive in any way, yet I was drawn to something about them.

I've often wondered if I'm a lesbian as I do find many women attractive to look at, but not in a sexual way at all. It's confusing.

I'm exactly the same. I look at them and feel nothing. People find actors attractive, I find them nothing.

I think you have to know a man as a person before you can find him attractive. His appearance is just the icing on the cake.

I feel similar. Sometimes when I see men, I think others would find them attractive, or I notice that they've put effort into their appearance, but there's no attraction or desire there. I find male nudity repulsive in general.

I have to know someone to find them attractive. I'm only into men who are really into me and I feel comfortable around.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I also find very few men attractive. When l was a young adult, my friends swapped and changed boyfriends all the time. I couldn’t even kiss someone unless l felt a really strong attraction. Consequently l spent years on my own.

I have a certain type, l know instinctively when I see them.

What's the type of man you are most attracted to?

Well maybe then you need to not feel guilty about not fancying men for their looks, and accept that you are more attracted to personality/emotional connection. As long as you don't admit to your partner that you don't find them attractive, does it matter what does turn you on about them? Because you obviously do feel sexual desire, and can enjoy sex - it's just not based on looks/body, but on other things, and that's ok too! Attraction is attraction irrespective of what triggers it (as long as it's not illegal!).

I think it's called being a demi-sexual. Look it up and see if that resonates.

Chemistry often can't be expalined logically. It appears more on a subconscious level.

How old are you? For some people, it takes a while to understand who/what type of men/women might attract them the most. I knew my type since I was 12.

Many people enjoy sex the most only if they are really in love with their partner/spouse. Some can only enjoy it in long-term happy relations feeling more secure. Some need a constant thrill of changing partners putting themselves at risk of STIs because no condom is ever 100% safe and can suddenly come off.

Being a good lover is a skill most people can master but not everyone gives it enough needed attention to find out what works the most and the best for each person as everyone is very unique and individual.

I think you haven't met a great lover yet who would give you the best sex of your life. That's why you feel this way. Also, not many people are naturally talented lovers.

Once you fall in love properly and mutually you will experience it.

In great lovemaking, everything matters: great smell, good hygiene, ability to discuss openly and honestly all likes and dislikes, all preferences, good quality long enough foreplay, variety, and possible occasional spontaneous unpredictable pleasant for both actions. To be sexually compatible people have to like and be turned on by the same things.

Sometimes a bit of mystery, sometimes a special look that means mutual sexual desire, etc.

Good luck with finding the right man for you.

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211101-why-demisexuality-is-as-real-as-any-sexual-orientation

This might help you.

Ha ha!!! Indeed!

Louis Theroux type. Especially his manner and height.

Do you think you could be demi or sapiosexual? While a demisexual is someone who feels sexual attraction to someone only once they've emotionally bonded, a sapiosexual person finds themselves especially attracted to someone they view as intelligent.

Agree with pp that demisexuality might be an explanation for this.