Fireworks/the spark - real?

[Lilolily]

Something today got me thinking about old times, when I was a teen and in my early 20s, and about how I felt when I met someone I liked. That absolute spark, the fireworks etc, and it made me kinda sad because the last few relationships I’ve had, although I have liked the person very much and wanted to be with them, I haven’t felt that.

I’m now in my 40’s, does that have something to do with it do you think? is the spark/fireworks just for youngsters? do we just realise there are more important things and so therefore don’t look for that anymore?

I think when I was young, the "Spark" was just good old fashioned lust and.my body yelling me to seek out procreation etc.

Now I'm older, I'm not attracted to anyone, so there is no lust and no spark etc.

I definately think feelings are more intense when you are young. But I had that fireworks heady feeling in my mid twenties too.

I think as we age, we are more practical and can see why someone isn't great or at least, great for us. So we don't tend to get carried away so fast.
Which is a good thing really.

But I think only in about one in five people we like are going to give us fireworks, at most. And even then, half of that is just passing lust.

I'm also very cautious of anything with intensity.. often a 'spark' these days is an indication that you are being targeted by by love bomber or narcissistic sort. As they look at you very Intesly and are very focused and we can mistake it for romance or fireworks but actually they are a predator reeling in their prey.

I think you can have genuine sparks at an older age, but I think life and experiences and being more aware of red flags might make them happen less often. I havent had that spark with anyone since my early 20s but i think its because I haven't found anyone that I like enough to make that spark.

I had amazing sparks with my last boyfriend but he was a love bombing narcissist. It was chemistry like Nothing else (forbidden love ). All the cliches and burnt out quickly. No real substance. A limerant love.

I felt the spark at 39 last year and it was bad for me, insane chemistry but he love bombed me and used and discarded me callously. I'm not sure I want to feel that spark again as for me it was dangerous and made me accept behaviours that I should never have.

My ex was sparky too.
We could hardly keep our hands off each other.
He was also an arsehole.

Do I sense a pattern emerging here?

@Mermaidwaves

I felt the spark at 39 last year and it was bad for me, insane chemistry but he love bombed me and used and discarded me callously. I'm not sure I want to feel that spark again as for me it was dangerous and made me accept behaviours that I should never have.

YES THIS

Made me accept and forgive behaviours o shouldn't have. Oh the dramas.

I also did stuff I never should have - that's all on me though!

I was in my 40s, too, and found myself stuck in an on/off hot/cold mess after a while.

I'm starting to feel glad I don't have these issues. 🤣

I had the spark a few months ago-I thought I would never have it agin so it took me by surprise after many years of avoiding men! It did not work out but it gave me a bit of hope!

But did any of those "sparky" relationships really end up living up to the intensity of that spark? I bet not. It's a hormonally driven illusion.

@WhatMattersMost

But did any of those "sparky" relationships really end up living up to the intensity of that spark? I bet not. It's a hormonally driven illusion.

Nope. Just an awful crash of insanity.

Sometimes you feel the spark and they don’t
That’s tough ..

Hormones !

@Mermaidwaves

I felt the spark at 39 last year and it was bad for me, insane chemistry but he love bombed me and used and discarded me callously. I'm not sure I want to feel that spark again as for me it was dangerous and made me accept behaviours that I should never have.

I had this at 33. Was devastated when he left. At 35 I met my now DH. Didn't feel that at all. I was excited about him but it was a real slow burner. Much better. Grown up, I guess!

The only true “spark” / “fireworks” I felt with someone is a year dating a narcisstic abusive predatory arsehole ! It isn’t a good thing in my opinion. Maybe it’s my subconscious’ way of telling me it’s so wrong?

Emotions were out on control, typical can’t sleep, eat, stop thinking about them etc etc. I found it extremely harmful and still affects me to this day. I agree with previous posters about the love bombing, be wary, people!

I've still felt the spark with people. Im 42. Like physical attraction, enjoy flirting a little bit with them. But I'm not going to act on it. I ignore it and it goes away.

I definitely think as you get older, what you want and need out of relationship changes. When I was in my 20s, a good man to me was one who worked hard, nice car, looks good etc. Now my definition of a good man is one who does washing without having to ask which temperature to put the machine on at or where the softener goes.

Had the spark - it's definitely hormones and not destiny.

I got it with DP (and still have it), he's the only man I've been with for 3 years and still look at him and think 'fuck you're hot' I love it

Still experience it but in a different way, am more aware of the hormone bomb going off and more able to enjoy that feeling while keeping my feet on the ground rather than getting caught up thinking this intense chemistry etc means they are ‘the one’ or a great love. That builds over time of course - but yea the spark feels as intense just different.

Definitely think it helps to be older and more experienced!

When exdh left I was in my mid 40s and doing onine dating. There were so many unattractive men, I dated a few nice ones but assumed a relationship would be a slow burner if it ever happened again. Anyway I got chatting to a guy, had a few phone calls and he had the sexiest voice ever and when we met the sparks flew, I have never felt like it before. Two and a half years later and things are still going well. So far he doesn't seem like a narc or player.

@stealthninjamum

When exdh left I was in my mid 40s and doing onine dating. There were so many unattractive men, I dated a few nice ones but assumed a relationship would be a slow burner if it ever happened again. Anyway I got chatting to a guy, had a few phone calls and he had the sexiest voice ever and when we met the sparks flew, I have never felt like it before. Two and a half years later and things are still going well. So far he doesn't seem like a narc or player.

Happy for you

For me, the spark doesn't necessarily have to be all about crazy lust and intensity. It's just that feeling when you 'click' with someone and everything feels really natural and like you can be yourself straight off the bat. Also that feeling like time goes really fast when you're together and like there's noone else in the room. It doesn't happen often which is what makes it so good when it does happen. And I've definitely felt it a couple of times in my 30's (now 37). Personally, I wouldn't settle for a relationship where I don't feel that kind of connection but obviously it's not essential for everyone

I had the spark with my ex. He wasn't an arsehole like some of the men above - he was a nice man and we were together for a couple of years. It was quite a volatile relationship though - lots of arguments. My relationship with DH was a slow burn, we were friends first and I didn't get the fireworks feeling but it is a much calmer, happier relationship.