At the start of the pandemic I was in an abusive relationship. I had decided a few months before that I needed to get out. One night I’d had some drinks at home and he said he was going to change etc etc. We went to bed that night and I was quite out of it (I know I shouldn’t have let myself drink so much). We had sex and I specifically remember saying to him put a condom on. He said he had, was very loving etc. In the morning he admitted he hadn’t used a condom but that was ok because he knew we would always be together. I told him it wasn’t ok. I took the morning after pill but a coupe of weeks later a faint positive was showing but I was also bleeding a bit, as much that I thought it was my period as usual. I went to the doctors and they said there was no evidence of anything on internal scan, they said I had miscarried. This was my private doctor. He said if I continued to bleed to come back. I did continue bleeding and went back and he said there was evidence of the sac but ok fetal pole and at this point I needed medical management as there was risk of infection if continued bleeding. I was in pain and very anxious by now, he said he couldn’t do this without another doctor who was responsible for that side of things so I was booked in for two days time (and told to go to a and e if I felt unwell)… Then covid hit and the appointment was cancelled. I was told to go to a and e and explain. I did this, they did a scan and confirmed no fetal pole but they wouldn’t give medical management until a second scan in another week to confirm miscarriage, though they ‘highly suspected it was.‘ I was obviously very worried by now and asked if they would just look at what the private doctor had said and just administer the medical management. They repeated they had to do it by their system and they couldn’t consider liaising with private practitioners especially now with Covid. I was told that the next appointment they had was 11 days time. The woman then said I could always elect a termination if I was so worried… I called the private doctor and discussed it all and he then said that obviously it was up to me but the mediation was the same as medical management and that given the bleeding I could either push them to investigate more or just elect to take the medication.
I elected to take it and after the first tablet (milfprostone?) I didn’t need further treatment. This I was told was confirmation that I had most likely been miscarrying. I have struggled ever since with the concept that I did this and I didn’t just wait it out. I was scared and didn’t think I was being taken seriously when I went to the hospital and I was very worried about infection because of the bleeding..though when I think back the bleeding was on and off.
I left this abusive man a week later and I have moved on with my life. I’ve had counselling and I have progressed at work.
But I’m now almost 37 (February) and feel like I’ve missed out on building a life with someone. I often think about what happened with my ex and think how the hell would any new man even understand all that. How will anyone love me after having made such a mess of my life. My brother has had two kids in this time and my sister got married. I’m lonely as hell. I have friends and I date.
I feel sad a lot of the time, some days ok others just hopeless.
I just wanted to talk about this I guess.