Feeling guilty for wanting to leave.

[KevinTheKoala]

My partner is mostly wonderful, he works very hard to support us, he will help anyone who asks, he's always bringing home treats for our children and me, his family and friends always say how amazing he is and how lucky I am to have to him. He's put up with a lot from me in terms of very poor mental health and some physical health problems as well, as well as our eldest child being a bit of a shock - I sometimes wonder if he feels I trapped him (I did tell him when I got pregnant that if he wanted to walk away then that would be fine, I wouldn't ask for a penny, I wouldn't expect him to be a part of the child's life if he didn't want to be, he chose to stay). I do think he loves me, and I know he loves our children and they love him.

However there are alot of things I don't like and alot of things I am ashamed off. He has never hit me, but he does have a temper and will shout at me and the girls, and has thrown objects a few times when I have made him angry. I didnt mean to provoke him but I do know that I was being very unreasonable some of those times. He pressures me to have sex - we have normal sex but the things he wants me to do are not things I am comfortable with doing, ive done them sometimes to keep him happy but I don't like doing them and he's putting more and more pressure on me to do them. It's escalating slightly so the point that he will try and force my hands during sex and then gets upset with me implying that hes pressuring me if I move them away.

I don't think he means to make me feel like that, he makes me feel guilty and tells me I'm not doing enough to get over the issue, and that we've had sex 10000s of times in the past so it shouldn't be an issue. I am just starting to feel slightly better after a very long bout of depression and have no sex drive whatsoever, I know that's not fair on him so I don't turn him down I just rarely initiate it, and certainly not the things he wants me to do.

It's getting to a point that I feel a knot in my stomach when he brings up the topic and feel sick because I don't want to say no because he'll get angry, but I also don't want to do what he's asking for but I know I will have to do it eventually anyway because it's not fair when I agreed to try in the past. Now that I've done it a few times I can't just turn back on that and refuse to do it now, he doesn't understand that once I've said I'll do something he thinks that's happening so I can't change my mind. I don't want to live like this but I also don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt my children and drag them away from a comfortable home to god knows where (the housing situation is a mess, I can't afford private at all, the council probably won't help us and the upheaval will be huge! Temporary accommodation miles away from family when I have so many mental health struggles and no transport to get to work/school/childcare). Then there's the fact that if I were to leave I would likely face abuse from his family, and the would try to take the children from me. I feel seriously trapped,and the thing is I'm very likely over reacting to things that aren't even that bad. My partner has often told me that normal people want to make their partner happy and I know I can be very selfish.

I'm sorry this is so long I can't think straight and I'm rambling.

He is your typical common or garden abuser who also shouts at your daughters as well as abusing you emotionally as well as sexually. They cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes, this is really how men treat women. They are also learning from you about relationships and this relationship is over because of the abuses he metes out to you and in turn them. You will in turn hurt your children if you were to remain with him because they could well go onto choose similar controlling men as partners too. Would you want them to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Many abusers can appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world (your friends and family do not live with him) so it is not surprising that he is seemingly all sweetness and light to outsiders. It is only behind closed doors that his true nature emerges; the nice family man image is all important to abusers but I would think one or two people in your own social circle have their own private based suspicions about him.

Your children's home should be a sanctuary; it is not this at all because they are seeing you being abused. They would rather live in an abuse free home.

Am sorry but yes he does mean to make you feel like this. (Also his family of origin are abusive too). The absolutely rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his parents. They will NOT be able to take your children away from you so put that thought to bed now; this is what he and they want you to believe. He actively enjoys seeing you cowering in fear and having no say within this relationship. He enjoys the power and control he has over you and he wants absolute over both you and your kids.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
You state that you do not want to hurt him (why do you think this?) but he has really given you no consideration, care or concern here whatsoever. He by abusing you is also hurting his children and they will be harmed by what they have seen to date. I would also think your MH struggles will lift a lot when your children and you are away from him completely.

Please contact Womens Aid and seek their help and advices to escape this man. They can and will support you here and will help you get away from him safely. Your safety here is of paramount importance and concern.

Re your comment:-
" I don't want to hurt my children and drag them away from a comfortable home to god knows where (the housing situation is a mess, I can't afford private at all, the council probably won't help us and the upheaval will be huge! Temporary accommodation miles away from family when I have so many mental health struggles and no transport to get to work/school/childcare). "

Again you will only hurt yourself and your children here by staying.
Do not put the cart before the horse here re the above; all this can be sorted out in time and no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable. You all escaping your abuser needs to be your number 1 priority and Womens Aid can and will advise you on the above points too.

Abuse like described take time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery from this will only properly start once you are away from him entirely. The Freedom Programme is something I would also certainly recommend you do going forward as well. Men like this too trash boundaries, and your boundaries have certainly been messed with by him. I would also think you were targeted by him; did you meet him when you were very young and or in a bad place yourself?.

If you can go to a branch of Boots and ask for ANI (action needed immediately) the staff there will direct you to one of their consultation booths where you can directly access domestic violence helplines.

I feel seriously trapped,and the thing is I'm very likely over reacting to things that aren't even that bad.

So he forces you to do sexual acts you don’t want to, shouts at you, belittles you, throws things at you, shouts at your children. How bad does it need to be?

You deserve a safe, comfortable home and a respectful relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex 10000 times, if you say no, it means no. No wonder you’re a ball of anxiety.

I’d suggest your mental health will improve significantly when you’re not dealing with this Prince among men.

Yes it’s scary, and yes it’s an upheaval but my goodness the peace of mind knowing that he won’t be forcing himself on you any more.

* (I did tell him when I got pregnant that if he wanted to walk away then that would be fine, I wouldn't ask for a penny, I wouldn't expect him to be a part of the child's life if he didn't want to be, he chose to stay). *

Well big whoop op, he didn’t leave his pregnant partner and unborn child

"I do think he loves me, and I know he loves our children and they love him".

What did you see at home as a child?. Was one of your parents also an abuser?. Re your children I would think your DDs do not so much love him so much as fear him. You've stated he shouts at them too so they've really only known abuse all their lives.

Abuse is not solely physical in nature and you're also being both emotionally and sexually abused and coerced by him. Such coercive control is a crime.

My dad and my step dad were both violent, my stepdad was an alcoholic and my mother was a drug addict and alcoholic so my childhood was unstable to say the least. My partner and I were both young when we met - he was 19 and I was 18.

Sadly I was not surprised to read this. All the adults in your life let you down abjectly. Your boundaries, already skewed by this, have been further beaten down by your abuser now and he indeed targeted you deliberately.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. You can make life better for you and your children going forward by contacting Womens Aid with the aim to leave him. Your children do not need abuse in their lives either and besides which you've seen years of abuse from childhood.

What do you think about the responses you have received?.

@KevinTheKoala

My dad and my step dad were both violent, my stepdad was an alcoholic and my mother was a drug addict and alcoholic so my childhood was unstable to say the least. My partner and I were both young when we met - he was 19 and I was 18.

You chose an abuser because that is your normal. Don't allow your children to grow up only to continue this destructive cycle.

I'm so sorry Op. He is an abuser. He is not a good guy. He is not a good partner or father.

You are making excuses for him. You are not to blame if he gets angry and throws things. You didn't 'make him angry'. His sexual demands and his lack of care about you are astounding.

It reads as though you feel lucky to have him, but you really aren't. You deserve so much better.

And his family and friends may think he's a good guy. But a) they don't know the real him, just an image he's projected for public consumption and b) it's irrelevant what they think. They aren't the ones living with being sexually abused amongst other things.

Please don't make excuses for him. See him for what he is. And I echo the pp - him sticking around when you got pregnant isn't worthy of an award. He was jointly responsible for making a baby and so he should have stuck around. It was as much his responsibility as yours. You don't have to be grateful for that. In fact, as he's abusive, he likely saw the baby as a positive - abusers get more control over their victims when there are children involved.

Read your op again, as if it was your daughter, friend, sister telling you what they were living with. Would you say they should feel guilty for wanting to leave?