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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seriously considering getting back with my ex as I am really struggling.

17 replies

Boygeorgiesblackneck · 26/11/2021 10:02

I cant even believe I am even at this point. We split up two years ago due to there being no respect between us because of his lying, secretiveness, gas lighting, horrible family. He has already been in another relationship.

But I so overwhelmed with my business, kids, home life. I feel like I am on the verge of crying all the time. When I am not in work I have the kids as he cant have them at his as its unsuitable and he cant move anywhere else due to financial commitments I need him to keep. He is in my house a lot as he does some school pick ups and child care whilst I am in work. We 'get on' ok.

My family couldn't believe it when we split up and my parents still love him to bits but I do not get on with his.

I feel like I am in a pincer grip and getting back with him is the only way I can see that would elevate pressure on me. He has given me no indication he would want to try again so it would be me that had to make the first move - and I don't even fancy him anymore. My youngest really misses him and cries out for him in their sleep.

Any words of wisdom/advice as I m sick of feeling like this

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 26/11/2021 10:07

Can he take kids to his parents to give you a break?

You don't fancy him, don't get back into a relationship, find another way.

frozendaisy · 26/11/2021 10:09

Re-read your first paragraph.

Remember all that first. Do you really want to go there again?

Seems your issue is time. He needs to step up and be a co-parent. He needs to get a housing situation so he can be an independent dad.

Squeezyhug · 26/11/2021 10:10

Don’t get back with him if he was abusive. It will be worse in the long run.

Can your family or his family help a bit more ?

User310 · 26/11/2021 10:11

Don’t get back with him but why do t you suggest he stays with you on certain days?

Squeezyhug · 26/11/2021 10:11

How many children are there and what age are they?

GoGoGretaDoll · 26/11/2021 10:16

He's still gaslighting you! He's gaslighting you into getting back with him because he is incapable of stepping up and playing a full and equal part in co-parenting. You never get a break because not only are you responsible for the DCs, you're also responsible for managing him. He's like a teen babysitter that you trust to mind the kids for an hour while you pop to the shops, but any longer and you have to micromanage him being there, etc etc.

Don't get back with him.

He needs to step up, sort his housing so he can look after the DCs in his own space and stop nipping your head, to be frank (and slightly childish).

fumfspos · 26/11/2021 10:16

Don't get back with him. That should not be an option at all.
We split up two years ago due to there being no respect between us because of his lying, secretiveness, gas lighting, horrible family
It would just be more of the same.

Instead you need to sit down and make a plan.
Make a list of everything which is causing you stress and see how you could deal with it.

When he has contact time when you are not at work he should be taking the kids out somewhere to spend time with them. If his place is not suitable he could take them to parents or he could take them out for an afternoon somewhere where they could have some fun together.

What are the financial commitments which mean he can't move somewhere else?

Can your parents take the children for a few hours so that you have some time to yourself?

What else is causing you stress?

thebleepblop · 26/11/2021 10:19

Can you formalise times when he is in your house to have his contact time with the kids? That way you get a break as they will be his responsibility.
It would have to be a formal arrangement, same times each week, that that is his time and his responsibility and you will be doing your own thing separately either in or out of the house.

TurnUpTurnip · 26/11/2021 11:32

God luck to all those suggestion he sorts out his housing situation so he can be a “proper dad” I was in this exact situation my ex has nowhere to take the children so had to see them at mine, he won’t change that and once I stopped letting him he stopped seeing them so now I’m with them 100% of the time and their dad doesn’t see them at all, doesn’t sound like that will help the op if she’s already struggling but reading this it doesn’t sound like he’s wanting to get back with you which means that it’s unlikely to be a possibility anyway

FabriqueBelgique · 26/11/2021 11:36

Well if you fancy a bit more “lying, secretiveness, gas lighting, horrible family” on top of the problems you have now, go for it!

kokokokokokokokoko · 26/11/2021 11:38

I'm in a relatively similar situation OP. Getting back with him is the worst idea! Still, something else has to give.

Can you get any tax credits or similar towards childcare? Put the kids in after school clubs or whatever? Find a few hours on a Saturday to put them in a club so you get free time?

How old are the kids?

Can you cut down a day at work? or if your own business get someone else to help? Condense your hours? You might not be as badly off financially as you think if you do this - less hours worked means less tax paid, possibly you might also get some universal credit or whatever. Sometimes we just have to change our life a little bit...

It does get easier as the kids get older though.

nocnoc · 26/11/2021 12:06

This isn’t the only option. How old are your kids? Source childcare, cleaner…what are the pressure points? Why can’t his family have the kids at their house for his weekends. Why isn’t he able to have them? Can you wind up the business or get in a manager? Au pair? Come on between us all we should be able to think of other options. Detail your day and what the pressure points are.

layladomino · 26/11/2021 12:26

Life is much harder when you're with the wrong partner. Much better to be single. You separated for a good reason. You're just thinking the grass is greener, you've forgotten some of the worst of him.

You don't love him, you don't fancy him, he was abusive.

I think you know it would be a very bad idea. Also bear in mind that it would be you making the first move, and - if he agreed to get back together - he could forever hold over you that you begged to have him back and so his behaviour couldn't have been all that bad. He can ramp it more in fact, knowing he can treat you badly and you come running back.

bluebell34567 · 26/11/2021 12:31

@layladomino

You don't love him, you don't fancy him, he was abusive.

so true.

Sonaftersonafterson · 26/11/2021 12:47

Getting back with him will NOT release the pincer grip, it'll make it worse. You may feel relief momentarily that the kids are pleased and life is normal again but wake up OP, that 'normal' life you had with him made you UNHAPPY. It will again...and even more so the second time around. You'll want to leave again...and then you'll feel guilt at upsetting the kids again and starting the whole cycle over.

I know it's far from easy but be strong... fight the feeling and carry on. You'll all be happier for it eventually x

Original poster

Boygeorgiesblackneck · 26/11/2021 13:50

Sorry for there late reply I am at work. Thanks for all the messages, I have read every single one - and I know you are all right. I am just so over whelmed at the moment.

Kids are under ten. They are good kids but full on, the house is an absolute tip, work is absolutely manic and I have just lost a member of staff that did the majority of hours so really struggling there. I am looking for staff but the majority cant start till January yet are happy to let me organise a interview despite the job advert stating its immediate start so then I go in to avoidance mode.

I know getting back with my ex will not solve any of that.

And yes I absolutely agree its like he is baby sitting for a few hours. I mean even if he put the little one in bed when I am working lates would be a massive help - but he doesnt. All the hard slog work is left to me - always has been. It really is like I have a teenager in the house baby sitting.

I think I was just having a wobble as I feel very vulnerable and need a cuddle maybe. < tiny violin>

I typed out a message to my best mate and couldn't send it as I feel like I cant discuss it with anyone as every one has their own shit going on.

But yes, you are all right, getting back with him is a really bad idea.

OP posts:

Practicebeingpatient · 26/11/2021 18:16

Don't do it. You split up with him for good reasons. If you reunite now you will end up splitting up again for the same reasons.

As a counsellor who has worked extensively with teens and young adults I think one of the most damaging situations for children is having parents whose relationships are on/off in this way . They are constantly living on a knife edge waiting for the next split. If you won't stay away from him for your own sake, do it for theirs.

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