Relationship advice

[DefiantlyTrying]

Hi there. I need some advice.... I don't usually do things like this but I have no other choice... I'm completely lost on this one. So I'll just start and be as honest as I can.
OK....
I currently live in a homeless shelter, I've been addicted to drugs but I have kicked them and been clean for a while now. I've been with my fiancee for 4 years now and we live separately. The place I live is rough. Like really rough. And the staff that run it have absolutely no control over the place at all. In fact some staff members participate in drug taking with the residents at times. Seriously. That's how bad it is here, its not a government or charity based place its ran independently by a guy who used his own money to open a place for homeless people to get their lives together and that is an admirable thing to do. But it's failed, and failing badly. Only the other day I had an argument with a guy who stole money from me. He told his brother that I was bullying him and tbh I did say to him I wanted my money back or I would bang him. He then went to his brother and told him I was bullying him. Later that day I was sleeping in my room, which we aren't allowed to lock, and I woke up covered in blood with this guy beating me in the head with knuckle dusters. I also share a room with a guy who is bang into his drugs, of all kinds. And it's hard enough not relapsing in normal times let alone with stuff like this going on. The toilet in this room is covered in blood from him injecting and squirting it everywhere. He smokes dust, which is like meth, and I don't get high high off the fumes but passively it does get me to the point where I can't sleep for days at a time sometimes. And it makes me paranoid and anxious. I've been so tempted to relapse lately and how I haven't so far I don't know because even right now I'm screaming inside to get some heroin and taking it just so that I don't care anymore and this crap inside me stops making me feel like I'm going insane..... My partner recently has come into some money and has an opportunity to put us in a place together where we can start to build a life together. I've spoken to her about this numerous times and told er how desperate I am to get out of this place. It's slowly killing me here, and I'm serious.... I've been breaking inside for a very long time and my strength is almost gone.... But I'm stuck. She has come into some money now that could get us somewhere together and get me out of this hell hole so that I can finish rebuilding myself and get my life back together again. But all she wants to do is splurge it on going out. Or getting hotels and going places for a couple days at a time. I know it's her money and she can do with it what she wants to but I'm really struggling in here and I need to get out. Every time I bring it up the conversation gets deflected somehow, every single time. Or turned into an argument about how all I'm interested in is her money. Which is complete rubbish. If that was the case I would happily prance about wasting it but I don't. And I'm not interested in her money. I just want to get out of here and move on. With her together. I can't work while I live here... I really can't. The rent is £1600 a month if I get a job. More than a mortgage. And thats for the "support" here. Though there is none. None of the staff are trained like in other hostels or shelters. The majority are ex residents that used to live here and some of them chill in residents rooms smoking crack on the night shifts when they should be working. I'm well and truly stuck here. I need her help desperately but she will not listen and all she is bothered about is going to blackpool again this weekend. Am I put of order for wanting her to help by getting us a flat or home of any kind rather than going out to get drunk all the time and waste the money on hotels instead of spending it on fixing a genuine problem that is literally tearing me apart inside out? If the situation was reversed and she was me and I was her this problem wouldn't exist from the very second I had the chance to sort it out. I would have had her out of here in a shot. What should I do? I'm completely lost now and can't think....

Are you sure your partner cares about you?

Can you move? Go to the council and tell them all this, move areas if need be. You should be able to get assistance with a bond for the first month’s rent, presumably you claim UC, look at house shares etc.
Your girlfriend doesn’t seem bothered by your predicament, you have to take control and get out of there yourself.

Congratulations on getting clean and staying clean, that's huge.

But it's not your girlfriend's responsibility to save you, house you or move in with you.

I'm sure if you looked at it objectively, as if you were a dispassionate friend of your girlfriend who didn't know you, even you'd be unlikely to advise her to risk moving in with an unemployed, ex-heroin addict.

You need to get yourself sorted. Can you speak to a support worker or the council about moving to another centre, or about the next steps for you? You do need to start looking for work and try to do this independently.

I'm sure your girlfriend can continue to support you emotionally, but really sorting your life out is your job.

Get a job first, no where will be interested in you being on the tenancy agreement without a job, 1600 is expensive rent for just two of you, look to another area? also to get out quicker maybe you could rent a room.

Also, it may be that her preferred lifestyle at the moment, would actually be bad for you to live with, and be a threat to you staying clean.

So, while you're obviously desperate to get out of the shelter and I'm sorry you're struggling there, even if she were keen for you to live together, it might be the wrong move for you.

You're just going to have to put your life back together the hard and slow way yourself, rather than have her fix things for you.

It’s difficult if not impossible to get a job if you live in a hostel, daily rents are extortionate, it leaves people in a vicious cycle. If you claim universal credit it’s covered by benefit. It leaves people trapped and the scheme isn’t fit for purpose.
Some landlords will take housing benefit claimants and private renting is really what OP would need to look at.

Well done on getting clean.

That is so admirably.

I don't think this partner cares for you.

You need to get a job and a house share.

She is not going to help.

You have to save yourself.

I am so sorry that life is so hard.

Can you approach and clean hostels for help?

You're doing amazingly well to get off and stay off drugs and stay resilient. Keep it up. I fully understand your frustration and would feel exactly the same. Unfortunately though, bottom line is that it isn't your girlfriend's responsibility to get you out of this predicament so please try not to allow your frustration to turn into bitterness or defeat. Just keep going. I wonder whether Shelter would be able to advise you on next steps to finding somewhere to live? 1600 seems expensive, even for London if that's where you are. Could you look into cheaper alternatives such as a small studio or a cheaper area?

£1600 isn't out of line as it's to cover the support element of the shelter, not just the rent of the bed/room. But obviously too expensive without help to manage on a starting/low wage.

I don't think it's fair to suggest op's girlfriend doesn't care - she may have been through a lot during their 4 year relationship, with op a heroin addict. I mean, it may be true, but if it were her posting this situation, no one would be telling her to spend her money moving in with him at this stage of his recovery.

You’re only quite recently clean, you’ll have out her through an enormous amount of shot when you were using, and you still aren’t living independently of supporting yourself. I imagine that she needs to see you doing the latter two, in your own home and with a job, for some time before she feels secure and confident enough that you’ve really changed to live with you. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, just that she is understandably wary of how easy it would be for you to relapse.

If doesn’t sound as though the hostel is a good place for you anymore now that you’ve got some kind of grip on your addiction, and the atmosphere is going to be holding you back. As others have said, a house share with other “normal” people just living and working and going about their daily lives is the step you need. Have you worked with any addiction services in the past? They’ll be able to help signpost you to move-on services and help you apply for benefits, get your CV in order and so on.

OP, you come across articulate, honest and utterly desperate. I'm so sorry, what an awful awful way to live.

Well done on getting clean. Seriously. That is a fucking battle...and most people lose. Fair play on you, amazing. Keep it up..... I know it's hard.

As for your girlfriend/fiance. You've been together 4 years?? If that's the case I think she is wrong to waste the money that could help get you two set up together. Seems so frivolous. If she loves you and your relationship is serious, she wouldn't do this. She would want you out of there! My god.

To those saying it's not her "responsibility". Well, no, it isn't .. but if you love someone? Been together 4 years? Surely you'd WANT to help? I would.

Sadly I think you need to question if she actually is committed to a future with you. Doesn't seem like it ... who else can you reach out to for help?

Apart from your housing crisis, you are going to marry someone who does not share your life or financial goals. If she burns her money on non-essentials, it tells you what married life would be like. I would run now, as you must focus on you, and your needs, in the present situation that you find yourself in. If she is impulsive, she is a poor choice for someone with your background who is doing your best to recover.

To those saying it's not her "responsibility". Well, no, it isn't .. but if you love someone? Been together 4 years? Surely you'd WANT to help? I would.

Maybe she's been down this road with him already. Maybe she's been helping him throughout.

Maybe she has excellent reasons she's not ready to live with him or not to risk throwing in her lot with him.

She may or may not love him, but we don't have enough information on their relationship to insist she can't love him not to risk her money and wherever she's currently living.

This sounds so so hard OP

I only know how it works in Scotland but can you register yourself on a list for housing? If you've been paying £1600 pm then I'm sure they could sort something longer term for you. Doesn't sound like you're getting much support from the hostel anyway. Would you be comfortable without any of this support?

Also can I ask is your DP clean from drugs? You mention her wanting to splurge the money on alcohol - is this to the extent it's a problem?