Struggling with toddler

[mailpal]

My son is 3 and has big powerful emotions. When he screams I'm sure the whole of the UK can hear him.. i have had to started taking deep breaths as I have felt so much anxiety since having him.. I'm fairly chill and quiet myself and he is so intense, sensitive, loud and sometimes I worry something is wrong! I need more childcare support asap, really struggling sometimes.. he is extremely bright, loving and empathetic but also challenges me each and every day right now.. I'm emotionally drained..

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time op, I am too but because my lo has tonsillitis and I've not slept for a week! Is he in nursery?

I'm afraid that's how toddlers are these days. Haven't you ever witnessed full-on tantrums in the supermarket? Throwing themselves on the floor and screaming tantrums? I don't know what's happened. Maybe it's the food.

First - it will pass but gosh it is brutal when you are in the throes.

This is a time of change for children where they are developing a different and more mature skill set, they have an evolved understanding of how things work, and yet their bodies are still quite incompetent, their communication (while improving) is not quite fluent. Their frustration with all of that is huge. Your ds will also have a growing understanding of the fact that you two are seperate entities - that will scare the living daylights out of him! So much is exhausting.

With that in mind it can help to position your thoughts around understanding that life is endlessly frustrating for him, and remove yourself a little from it emotionally. Staying ahead of the curve for his physical needs really helps, feeding him just before he is hungry, bed and bath before he is tired (for reading) etc.

I found with mine that if I was somehow able to acknowledged the frustration of the moment with the object of the moment (often reprimanding a broken truck/crayon/toy/ like a loon) it was both helpful and enough.

If at all possible you should get time away from him, even in another room, and out of earshot would be the icing on the cake. Headphones help. Obviously I mean that only if you have someone to watch him.

Finally - instead of going out at night dh and I used to get a babysitter to come in the afternoon. We would come home after bedtime thus getting a very good block of time for not too much money.

Good luck op - he will get though it but it can be tricky.

Read 123 Magic. It is very American but worked for me.

It's by Thomas W Phelan.

What do you say to him when he acts a zip damn fool like that? Do you tell him to stop? Put him on a time out in his room? Tell him that his behavior is inappropriate? Tell him to STOP IT RIGHT NOW!? Tell him to use his INSIDE voice? What do you do to discourage this behavior? What repercussions does he suffer for acting stupid like that? Three year olds are quite capable of responding with eloquence and calm. But they have to be TAUGHT to behave that way. That is your job. If you don't correct him now consistently, firmly, you are going to have a maniac that won't have friends when he gets older because all the well socialized children will think he is weird and won't want to be his friend.

Yy 123 magic is a great book.

And you might find significant improvements in behaviour if you focus on really nailing the basics:

Fresh food (not processed)
Structured bed and nap times
Outside time every day
And
Quality attention one to one attention (eg reading to him)

If you're doing all that and he's still having almighty meltdowns then he could be struggling with some sort of illness or sensitivity that's making him feel awful that he can't tell you about properly.

This is not very specific or helpful advice. It really could be anything. Often mothers know best. In fact, more than often. You know your child: what do you suspect might be going on for him?

Póster "cimone" clearly has no idea how kids work, and thinks they are adults with powers of reason, and full emotional control.

Agree with other posters up thread - remove triggers where possible, choose battles wisely, acknowledge his frustration, distract etc . And moreover just remember this is likely a phase and it will pass. They do need authority, they need to know they are not in charge but time out and all that crap doesn't work.

Agree 100% with most of PP's above.

Have a proper structure for every day, so the same things happen, in the same order, every day e.g

730am breakfast
0800 get teeth brushed and get dressed
0830 leave for nursery
1200 pick up from nursery, go to park for 30 mins
1230 home, lunch and a nap
1430 go shopping
1530 play with Mummy
1600 help start food prep for supper
1700 supper
1800 bath and pj's
1830 quiet story time with Mummy
1900 bed time

Try to empathise with his frustration at the time he's feeling it. Find kids books that help explain how to cope with anger/frustration etc to read to him to help him make sense of what he's feeling.

Help him practice being quiet with silly games e.g whispering something silly to him, then ask him to 'whisper' to you or play hide and seek etc

Also, give him the appropriate 'time and place' to be noisy ! Like in the park or at a soft play centre, because kids need to be noisy sometimes ! If you join in and are loud and giggly and silly, then he'll learn that it's fine to be loud and scream etc, but it's done at the park and not in the living room.

Kids are not always 'little me's', so it's not surprising that he's not a naturally 'quiet' person like you, but if you teach him, he can keep most of his more 'noisy' behaviour for outside play.

Try ‘How to Talk so Little Kids will listen’,daughter recently bought this and has used some of the techniques very successfully. Worth a try? Also try and get your lo outside for a good run around every day as a pp advised!

@Dillydollydingdong

I'm afraid that's how toddlers are these days. Haven't you ever witnessed full-on tantrums in the supermarket? Throwing themselves on the floor and screaming tantrums? I don't know what's happened. Maybe it's the food.

Completely untrue.

Completely unhelpful.

Did you just want to have a smug judgemental post to make yourself feel better?

,@mailpal. Putting toddlers in water used to calm ours whatever the situation, so when you are feeling overwhelmed and he is screaming perhaps make s cup of herbal tea, run him a bath and let him play whilst you chill.

Are you trying to keep a spotless house?

You might be putting too much pressure on yourself.

Thing is kids are noisy, messy, express their emotions. You need to take things step by step. This stage won't be forever. Try and enjoy the fun bits, forget about the housework. It's ok to have a take away once in a while and then you just have to accept the rest.

Music also helps, happy pop songs, both of you have a dance. Get him to push the Hoover round to "help". If you are cooking try and get him involved, or set him up on table with the playdough cooking set along side you.

I agree letting him run outside everyday is also good.

If he's three I presume he is in playschool part-time. If not enroll him into one.

some of these comments! Tantrums aren’t a new thing! Mine are in their 20s and I can remember some serious ones! They grew out of it … and had lots of friends 🤣

Thanks so much everyone x

He is at nursery only 3 mornings a week and it's just not enough for him or us!! We need more stimulation for him and time outside in the winter is a bit less but yes I know how important that is x

@Cimone

What do you say to him when he acts a zip damn fool like that? Do you tell him to stop? Put him on a time out in his room? Tell him that his behavior is inappropriate? Tell him to STOP IT RIGHT NOW!? Tell him to use his INSIDE voice? What do you do to discourage this behavior? What repercussions does he suffer for acting stupid like that? Three year olds are quite capable of responding with eloquence and calm. But they have to be TAUGHT to behave that way. That is your job. If you don't correct him now consistently, firmly, you are going to have a maniac that won't have friends when he gets older because all the well socialized children will think he is weird and won't want to be his friend.

He's 3. I wondered if you posted on the wrong thread. 🤔

Maybe you can articulate your thoughts but a 3 year old can't in the same way. Have some empathy.

OP ignore this comment.

@updownroundandround great advice. OP you could make a pictorial planner which shows what is happening each day and talk it through with him.

Have a look at Twinkl they might have some good resources for it.

Pick your battles, don't overwhelm him by a lot of discussion about his behaviour, remember he is just 3, actions speak louder than words at this stage.
Ignore minor issues and walk away. Have realistic expectations of him, read a practical book about child development to gain a better understanding of what to expect from him.
It can feel a cycle of negative behaviour and really get you down, but he will sense your frustration and feel uncertainty. You need to contain him and come across to him with confidence and consistency, to make him feel secure, even when his emotions are out of control. You need to put on a front, even on days you are feeling anxious and low ( or call on support of others at these times). If you give in one day but put your foot down another, he will not understand, but if you stick with your "rules" he will eventually give in, realising his tantrum did not get anywher Balance this with plenty of attention and lots of praise
He will live up to your expectations, so if you are nervous he is going to have a melt down or talk too much to him about his difficult behaviour, it will continue as he will feel he is not capable of good behaviour. Try to be positive about him and talk confidently of how proud you are of him. When you want or need him to do something, don't ask him would he do it, tell him clearly to do it in a polite and confident manner. Make it a bit of a game, " who will get their shoes on faster, you or mummy?"
How is his behaviour at nursery? If it is generally ok there, you know he is doing well. Make sure he is not too busy with social activities, tiredness can be a big factor
Good luck, as other havexsaid, this is a phase he is looking to you for containment and direction, show him you are confident and have confidence in him, plenty of praise for him, goes further than being angry with him or having chats about his negative behaviour

frozendaisy no need to be holier-than-thou.

@Dillydollydingdong

frozendaisy no need to be holier-than-thou.

"maybe it's the food"

How the fuck does that help?

Maybe it's because we can no longer smack them.
Maybe it's because in the past they were seen and not heard.
Maybe it's because woman were made to stay at home under financial and social control
Maybe god has deserted us

I thought this was supposed to be a place for mums to help each other.

Not spout "maybe it's the food" utter nonsense bollocks.

How does you post help the OP?

How? Come on Mrs holier than thou because I can't see anything you posted as help but maybe I am missing something so please explain to dumb me how did your post help?

It will pass.
It helps to be consistent and not encourage screaming and tantrums.
For example - if you sometimes say NO, then change your mind after a screaming session - just to make it easier for you - he’ll learn from it. And scream again next time.

If he has a lot of energy - as a lot of boys seem to have at that age - you need to figure out a way to make him tired. If not nursery - can he play football or go for a swim, or some other physical activity. Run around at the playground?
A friend - who is a father of 4 - two girls and two boys - said something funny when they were small. But it seemed to be true. He said - boys are like dogs - as long as they are walked - they are easy to handle.

Good luck, OP. He’ll grow up before you know it.

Be consistent with what you expect from DS behaviour. Small time outs for 3 year olds can work - as pp suggested Magic 1,2,3 (DS screams, you count 1, DS screams again, you count 2, DS screams again, he goes to time out - no talking in between the counts) and then a small time out (3 minutes- not in their bedroom but a safe enclosed room without toys etc.) with you nearby, peacefully ignoring any rubbish behaviour that comes your way.

If it all goes pear- shaped or you can't handle one more time-out - take yourself to time-out - making sure your child is safe, go to your room for a couple of minutes to destress, try box breathing (plenty of apps around), child's pose of yoga, watch something funny on youtube etc. anything to dissociate with the moment as it is emotionally draining and all consuming in that moment - BUT it will pass!

Good luck!