Overly controlling mother

[Tilly2222]

As I type this, my mum just asked “who’s that?”, I asked “who’s what?”, she replied “who are you typing to?”… I’m 22. I work abroad for around 6 months of the year on super yachts, I’m an only child and my parents are divorced however my mum has had a partner for the past 15 years. To say the least, she is obsessive, highly sensitive and controlling. She will say “I don’t care what you do, do what you like” however if I stay at my dads, or cousins or at a friends she will inevitably make me feel guilty for not being at home, or for the time I’m leaving, or time I’m coming back. Now in some ways I get that she feels I have to make up for lost time when I am back home, but I equally want to make up for lost time with other people that I haven’t seen. Between myself and a friend who is a counsellor, we have established it is likely my mum suffers with boardline personality disorder and ptsd (she was in the police force and dealt with a lot of harrowing cases of children’s abuse etc)- so I feel very sad for her, but her behaviour towards me is exhausting and puts a lot of stress and guilt on me for things I shouldn’t feel bad for. Any advice or suggestions will be gratefully received. Thanks in advance.

Difficult situation. Do you spend any 'quality time' with your mum? Do you have times when you completely focus on her and something you are doing together, so that she feels prioriotised sometimes? If yes, I would try to speak to her honestly to let her know that you like spending time with her, you like speaking to her etc etc but that you also need to meet with other people.

Does she have good friends, someone you know? Someone you could confide in, and ask to discuss, in a lighthearted way perhaps, that you would both benefit if she stepped back a little? Someone else with grown up children might understand that it can be difficult for her - but still make her understand that you're an adult now?

Hope you can sort it out - really a pity to spend the time you have together getting annoyed :-(

Do you earn enough to move out and rent a room on your own. Being a lodger works out far cheaper than renting a flat alone.

I think you need to work out what your adult boundaries are, and talk to her about them. For starters, your emails are your business. @secretproblem has a good idea about prioritising her properly when you do have time for her, though. If you genuinely think she has a full blown personality disorder, you're better off moving out, imo.

Love the way you wrote this, you have a knack 👍

Tbh it doesn't matter what disorder, if any, your mum has, the point is how you feel and what you can do to make your life more comfortable.

It sounds stifling and that must be very difficult.

The thing I always land on is that you do not hurt others in establishing boundaries, you make your life better -and you create an opportunity for them to do better too. Because for as long as you keep fitting in with her, neither of you is happy and it's really bad for you.

What would you like your life to look like?

Do you want to live with her or would you prefer somewhere else?

Think about how you'd like your life to be and start working towards that, one step at a time. You might have to be firm with her, and I recognise that may feel difficult.

But you deserve to have agency over your own life, absolutely you do, and it is healthiest for both of you.

Can you afford to get any professional help from a therapist so you can talk this through?

Yep, I agree it doesn't matter what you label her with, this is about you setting boundaries. Pay for counseling, move out, find your own life and your own agency. She has probably damaged you in childhood so now it's time for you to heal and move on as an adult. I didn't realise this until much later than you so live your own life now.

Move out , get a full time job so you are not dependent on your mother.

Set appropriate boundaries in your relationship with her.

Tell your counsellor friend to discuss with her supervisor about her diagnosing medical conditions in third parties.

Hi op, I saw my friend being controlled by her mum and still is and she is in her 50s.

I have kids and as much as I love them and want to see them, i respect that they want to see their boyfriend/girlfriend and friends more. I don't want my kids to see me out of guilt and I am always here when they need me.

Don't let yourself be guilted into this but I appreciate it is hard. I would look to get your own place or move in with your father. You have as much right to see him and other people.

I had a similar situation not with my mother but a relative I was really close to growing up, I moved in with her in my early 20s and I didn't see it at the time but now that I'm older it's clear, she would always make me feel bad for having my own plans or going out with friends my own age, or she would get moody with me when I was about to go out to put a dampener on my night. It's good that you have recognised this situation with your mother so young as you can now begin to set boundaries, as it wasn't until I was 25 that I realised I needed to and its still been very difficult.
You are young and entitled to enjoy your life and not feel guilty, it may also be the case that your mother still sees you as 14 years old and not the young adult you now are.
It is hard but as other posters have said you need to set firm boundaries and not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty for having your own life and a positive is that you have recognised this issue at a young age. There's lots of great advice online and on YouTube too.

Hi again!

I'm really grateful for all the thoughtful and kind advice I received on the previous post, it helps to have other people confirm that this isn't my fault. It's easy for family and friends to say it to me but it always feels like they're placating me or trying to make me feel better, at least strangers on the internet don't have an obligation - if that makes sense. I have been in counselling because of this relationship for a year now and it has helped me a lot, however it hasn't helped my relationship with my mum, in fact it's awakened me to how damaging it is. Between my counsellor friend, my own counsellor, discussions with family members and extensive googling, its become very clear that my mum is a narcissistic parent, which is hard for me to process. My lifelong beliefs such as "it's my fault mum is angry because I didn't spend enough time with her" or "because I didn't realise she was upset about something" or "she only called me an arrogant bitch because...", until now I have always found and made excuses for her to hold on to the idea she is actually mentally normal and a good parent, but now those illusions are shattered. I'm not sure how to feel about this because it's so sad but also a huge relief to finally see clearly and begin learning how to quiet my self doubt and emotional distress. Any further advice on handling this exceptionally difficult situation would be gratefully received. Thanks in advance 😊

Hi @Tilly2222, I’m glad you have found the counselling helpful.

But you’ve had lots of good advice upthread, nearly all of which can be summed up as

1. Stay and set boundaries if you can
2. Move out and set boundaries

Being able to understand your mother better is a good starting point. But endlessly analysing her isn’t going to help you unless you take some actions to move on in your own life.

You can’t fix your mother by trying to diagnose her. She is who she is and she’s unlikely to change at her stage on life.

All you can do is make your own choices and move on - you are 22 and you need to own your own life and take responsibility for your own decisions.

Have you managed to get a job yet ? Theres a lot of demand for staff in retail and hospitality over Christmas time.

Have you looked into finding somewhere to live ?