Other bullying victims struggling with relationships?

[secretproblem]

I’ve started wondering if my problems with some relationships stem from being bullied and frozen out in school. Would be interesting to hear if anyone else had had similar experiences...

I left school many many years ago, and have several close friends today, and a partner. No problems with those relationships :-)

In secondary school I had no friends. Never did anything with anyone after school, spent every break on my own. I was a ‘good girl’, great grades. Teachers must have noticed that I was always on my own, but there was much less focus on social issues then. Also there were several more people in my class who were bullied, some physically, more than me. But maybe I’m more sensitive.

I remember actively thinking when I was about 12, that I should never ever say anything about myself, because anything I said could be used to mock or tease me. So I stopped.

I often spent holidays in a parent’s home country, had friends there. Felt normal. So in a way I had a double personality, was a completely different person at home.

I still struggle to make friends – but if I make a friend, I’m the most reliable of friends, I’ll do anything to help. But it takes time for me to get there. My partner has commented that I’m so different when we’re with friends I ‘trust’ vs. people I don’t know well. ‘Why can’t you be your normal bubbly self’ he asked once. I don’t know! I just feel reserved and odd and wrong.

Another problem today, I’ve realised, is that I still sometimes more or less unconsciously react as if ‘the world is out to get me’, ‘I need to defend myself’. And since I apparently ;-) appear normal to many acquaintances/colleagues, it can surprise or anger people if I ‘defend myself too strongly’ when someone ‘does me an injustice’. They get angry because they think I overreact (I’m sure I do sometimes). Then I get upset because I didn’t mean it ‘that strongly’, I end up feeling really bad for upsetting someone whose intentions weren’t (that) bad etc, I apologise but they still think I’m odd etc. It’s like a vicious circle and I know I’ve been considered really strange by some people. It’s like I don’t know where the ‘normal’ limits are for how to behave among people/how to react if you feel wronged.

Has anyone else experienced bullying/feeling left out and struggling much later because of it? There have been a few instances over the past few weeks that have made me feel like I need to ‘stop being myself’ and return to being the quiet person from school, so as not to upset people or myself. But it wouldn’t be much fun.

I’m probably rambling but any thoughts from someone with similar issues or experiences would be very welcome…

I was a reject at school during my early teenage years. I had no self esteem and was depressed. Back then depression wasn't really talked about.

It has affected my ability to make friends. Along the way I've had groups of friends and some very good friends. At this point though I am a bit of a loner and covid hasn't helped.

Thank you for your response :-) I hear you. I find larger groups really difficult if I don't know them. I have also spent far too much at home since covid started, but will need to start 'doing something' at some point, most of my close friends don't live near me so I mainly see them around longer holidays...

It is really sad to think about how childhood experiences can influence your whole life.

Not personally but my daughter was the same - struggled to trust people, did the whole ‘over angry’ when people did her wrong, wanted to set them straight -

After much conversation, she’s better at knowing that some people will never be your friend and aren’t worth your time or energy - you can be polite and move on.

Thank you Bluebells for making that comment - somehow it makes me feel that I'm not 'completely strange' for reacting the way I do... And the comment about moving is also wise. I think I try to hard to be nice to everyone, not wanting anyone not to like me - very true that not everybody will be your friend, or even like you...

I will have to think about it much more actively I think.

This resonates, particularly the ultra vigilant defence reactions. I have to sense check things regularly with DH in a "are they getting at me" way. I also have the tendency to cut people dead if they in any way betray me, no quarter given, this isn't a good trait.

@wheresmyshoe - wow! That's exactly what I used to do! It was like I felt (not consciously) 'I'm finally allowed to be myself, and anyone who doesn't accept me will get the cut direct'. Not healthy. I'm better now, but still get the impulse sometimes...

Really helpful for me to see that there may be others with similar experiences!

I can identify with this, I was bullied at school and despite having some good friends at school have struggled with friends ever since, I never know how to be and can relate to the problem of upsetting people when I suddenly get defensive or react in a way they don’t expect. I never know how to be around people. I was bullied by boys more than girls at school so have always thought I am unattractive, although I find men easier to get on with than women now.

OP
I could have written your post. Almost all of your words resonate with me. The feeling that 'the world is out to get me'. Yes! The need to defend myself. Yes! Overreacting and then worrying that you now appear unhinged. I go over conversations in my head and give the opinions/actions of others far too much thought.

I never feel good enough. I deliberately put myself on the outside rather than bear the pain of someone else doing it. At work I eat alone rather than go out with colleagues, I get around this by bringing lunch from home. I believe I am unlikeable and people will tire/grow bored of me. I find myself telling jokes and pulling back when I realise I do it to be likeable/entertaining.

Bullying is truly horrendous and leaves permanent scars. Being ostracised, on the outside, ignored, overlooked, only visible when being ridiculed is soul destroying.

No matter how successful you become, how academic you are, how much your family and friends love you, there is that little something that makes you feel you are not quite like everyone else.

I went to uni and played a game called "assassins" - it is a bit like real time ongoing tag. The names of everyone who joins the club for that terms game are arranged in a circle by the umpire and everyone gets sent the name and basic info (course/college) for the person in front. Then they have to find them (when they aren't in lectures etc) and "kill" them (touch them with a cardboard dagger etc and 'tag' them). You can also tag your own assassin if you realise before they get you.
I found this was incredibly therapeutic for trauma from bullying because someone was still "out to get me" but now I had self defence. I tagged ten people including two of my own assassins in my first game and immediately felt a lot better.

So in conclusion I recommend CBT.

Thank you so much @Lovinglife45 and @BestZebbie for your comments!

It's shaken me a bit to read stories and reflections from people who have experienced similar things, the thought that I might be 'normal' given the past has given me a new perspective. It makes me really angry that children/people are bullied/frozen out like we've been. I do think schools today make more efforts to try to stop bullying though.

Reading other people's thoughts has also given me some energy to try to change my ways a little - I won't be 'perfectly normal', but maybe I might be able to change my 'automatic' thinking that 'people will not like me' just a little... I will try, and knowing that more people feel like me will help.

Thank you everyone - I really hope we can all have some better, social experiences in the future!

This post resonates so much with me!

I had the double experience of being bullied at school and leaving school with no friends and then later in my 20s being bullied at work. I was ostracised by a girl group again. That did it for me and I’ve never had a girl group again. I now only ever have individual friends. If somebody has a big close girl friendship group then I won’t go near them. I’m not interested. My expectation is that I won’t fit in and I’ll always be the outsider. The one who will be dropped. I’m never going through that again. I also never introduce my friends to each other. I keep my life off social media. It works for me.

nocnoc

I am the same. I have individual friends, will never introduce them to one another, will never meet two at the same time. I keep off social media so my college friends don't know my work friends.

Like most here, I always was very quiet, found it hard to make friends. I was not really bullied but would be the butt of the jokes in school, treated as a C list person.

I will go to breaks with groups of women at work, as I don't care if I get dropped. It is a friendship of convenience. However I will not join with other Mums in my village for drinks etc. I would be afraid I would be dropped and would have to see them in the locality, or they may start getting smart/poking fun at me. I would hate to have one big group of friends as if I got dropped I would have no one.

You're normal, OP. Never think otherwise. We're all a bit weird in our own ways, and that's part of being normal. We are all products of our childhoods, and we all have some disproportionate responses to things as a result.

I'm wondering who has got angry with you when you've defended yourself, and why they got angry? It's not a very caring response, and I wonder if you're surrounded by not-very-nice people, and blaming yourself for them treating you poorly?

Also I wondered what your experience was of being parented, as you grew up? We learn to parent ourselves (ie 'be adult') by learning from the example set by our parents. Did your parents support you, and teach you how to deal with the bullying? If not, that will be why you can still feel it all still, now; you never learned how to make yourself feel better.

Sorry if I'm wide of the mark. Where ever it comes from, you can make it better, you know. Whatever's happened in the past, you are in full control of your future. You can take responsibility for your feelings and come to a place of peace with them. Self acceptance will be key, I'm sure.

Yes. I find it hard to trust people after being disappointed and let down so many times.
I hated school and still have an aversion to teachers.

Have always been told your 'too sensitive'. No such thing though and anyone who says otherwise is a gas lighting bastard.

I enjoy my own company though and on the whole prefer animals to most humans.

@nocnoc, that is horrible. I've not been bullied after leaving school. Experiencing it again as an adult must be extremely difficult. I hope you are doing as well as you can!

@TheFoundations, thank you for your comment! The people getting angry have not been friends, more colleagues or acquaintances for example, people that I don't know very well, and I'm sure many other people would make friends out of them, but I struggle...

My parents absolutely did what they could. Just like many children hide things from their parents, partly to protect them, I don't think they realised how badly it affected me, but they obviously noticed that I never met up with anyone. So that's probably why they sacrificed some things to let me spend holidays in one parent's home country, they knew I was happy there. And our phone bills must have been astronomical - that was my 'social outlet' - but they never said a word about that.

@ecoactive1, animals are definitely easier in many ways...

Thank you all again for responding. It has given me so much food for thought!