Need some serious advice and insight

[Jasjasrose1223]

I really need some advice on my marriage (my life in fact)

I do not have many experiences with men, I have no idea what a healthy relationship should look like. But I know there is something wrong with my relationship and I am unhappy all the time.

My husband and I have been together for many years, he has always been the one who make decisions and I am the one who follow and adhere to everything he said. I didn't feel that it was a problem at first because I thought it was quite nice to have someone who make decisions for me. But as years went by I do not feel happy about this anymore. I feel that he does not appreciate anything I did at all, he always belittle me and makes me feel inferior. He has a big ego. He does not want me to excel him in anyway, that's why he always rejects my suggestions and tell me that I am the most unworthy person on earth. He gets furious if I show any discontent with him or I look annoyed by what he said/did, or even when I does not speak with him in a nice tone. He said I should not disrespect him.

He is abusive both physically and verbally. I am constantly in fear. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is whether something would make him angry today and he would start yelling or even hit me.

Our relationship turned worse after our child was born. I think my little one is subjected to the same emotional abuse as well as lo always worried that daddy is not happy.

Worst still, my husband is in serious debt. To help him out, I am in debt too. But he blames me for all his failure (he blames me basically everything, e.g. we were late for the train today because he spent too much time in the shower. I was angry about that but he got furious (because I was angry with him) and blamed me for not reminding him in time that it was gong to be late). He has never thanked me for taking out loans to pay his debt. He said he incurred debt for the family so my debts are only a small contribution to the family compared to his.

However, despite all this, my lo loves him so much. This is the only reason why I am still remaining in this marriage. Watching them interacting with each other makes me feel that it is cruel to take away my lo's father from my lo. Besides, I don't want to disrupt my family, in particular my month-in-law, I don't think she can take it if I divorce my husband.

Another thing is, I worry about my financial circumstance after the divorce. He had mentioned that he won't give me any money if I divorce him because he is in serious debt. The court would not award any maintenance to me because he has no money!

That means I will have to figure out my loan repayment and housing and everything! My family won't help, my mum has helped me so much already. I don't want to ask someone to help my own problem anymore.

Now I think my husband cannot pay his debt anymore. I feel that I need to do something to rescue my lo and I from this shitty way of life.
However, I feel like if I leave my husband now it is just like watching him die but not offering help (in fact I can barely help myself). If I leave my husband now (basically before the bomb explodes), everyone would see me as the most selfish person on earth (In fact I think I am because I don't want to face the problems anymore) and I don't think my husband and in-laws would want to see me anymore so my lo will have no more father. But what others cannot see is the abuses that I have been suffering and the debt that I incurred because of him.

I really don't want this way of life anymore.

Looking at my friends I really envy what they have. I don't know why I would end up living a life like this. My mum has warned me before I married my husband before. I was a better person before meeting him. I was hard working and I always save money.

I seriously don't know how to get out from this. I am so worried and afraid.

I am guessing you are from a cultural background where divorce is really frowned upon and a last resort, and the families will be very angry about it. That is what comes across from your thread. I didn't want to read and run, but I don't have amazing advice as I would just tell you to leave him, but I understand it's not that easy if your family expectations are vastly different to mine.

Speak to Women's Aid. You can claim benefits.
You can speak to your creditors, make repayment plans , your circumstances have changed.
You need to leave asap.

100% speak to women's aid. You need as much support as you can get.

Also, have a watch on YouTube of some videos by Dr Ramana and Ross Rosenberg - he sounds extremely narcissistic - if you can take some time to watch these videos and learn you will empower yourself with knowledge and build strength and awareness. There are also lots of useful techniques you can learn to manage the difficulty of daily life in your situation.

You deserve so much better. It will never change unless you dig deep to find a new path out of this. It will take time but there is a way out

@graceandgratitude

100% speak to women's aid. You need as much support as you can get.

Also, have a watch on YouTube of some videos by Dr Ramana and Ross Rosenberg - he sounds extremely narcissistic - if you can take some time to watch these videos and learn you will empower yourself with knowledge and build strength and awareness. There are also lots of useful techniques you can learn to manage the difficulty of daily life in your situation.

You deserve so much better. It will never change unless you dig deep to find a new path out of this. It will take time but there is a way out

Hi graceandgratitude,

Thank you so much for your information. I have googled what a narcissistic is like. To be frank that's totally him.

I will watch some videos that you have suggested. I need to find a way to discover myself again after years of control and emotional abuse.

Thanks.

Yes Women's aids please and if you can afford therapy that would give you understanding and strength you need. I hope everything will turn better, you deserve so much more ❤️ don't let it continue for much longer

There is also a great book called 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft - definitely recommend that :)

You're doing the right thing by first taking some time to acknowledge it doesn't feel right and to start the process of coming to terms with your situation - you're not alone and there is so much help and information out there once you start looking :) sending you strength

@graceandgratitude

There is also a great book called 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft - definitely recommend that :)

You're doing the right thing by first taking some time to acknowledge it doesn't feel right and to start the process of coming to terms with your situation - you're not alone and there is so much help and information out there once you start looking :) sending you strength

Thank you so much! You are really kind x

Knowing there is help makes me less worried, especially with my little one.

You are very concerned about your DH's feelings, your MIL's feelings, what other people think.

You should only concern yourself with yours and your DCs feelings. Noone else's are your responsibility. How much time do you think your husband spends worrying about your feelings? Not much (ever) I expect. So forget about him and his situation .... he brought that on himself. Your MIL is not your problem.

Your children should not be in the position of worrying about their father's moods. That's awful for them. And I know you think they would be devastated to live apart from him, but I think you might be surprised. Children sense tension in their home and they don't miss it when it's gone. They might love him - he's all they've known as a father - but that doesn't mean its best for them to stay with him. Children (and adults) are capable of loving people who are harmful to them.

Please seek help in getting away from him. That would be best for you and your children.

He is abusive. Violent. Selfish. Moody. Blames you for his mistakes and misfortunes. Has everyone walking on eggshells around him. He is not capable of a healthy relationship and never will be. Either with you or your children.

You on the other hand sound lovely. You are self aware, and caring, and you are rightly questionning your relationship. A much happier life is ahead of you. Take it one step at a time. Keep talking on here. Reach out to people in real life. And most importantly, keep yourself safe. You already know he is capable of violence, and he is higher risk if he thinks you are pulling away from him. Keep your plans to yourself and get help when it comes to moving out.

Sending you hugs x

@layladomino

You are very concerned about your DH's feelings, your MIL's feelings, what other people think.

You should only concern yourself with yours and your DCs feelings. Noone else's are your responsibility. How much time do you think your husband spends worrying about your feelings? Not much (ever) I expect. So forget about him and his situation .... he brought that on himself. Your MIL is not your problem.

Your children should not be in the position of worrying about their father's moods. That's awful for them. And I know you think they would be devastated to live apart from him, but I think you might be surprised. Children sense tension in their home and they don't miss it when it's gone. They might love him - he's all they've known as a father - but that doesn't mean its best for them to stay with him. Children (and adults) are capable of loving people who are harmful to them.

Please seek help in getting away from him. That would be best for you and your children.

He is abusive. Violent. Selfish. Moody. Blames you for his mistakes and misfortunes. Has everyone walking on eggshells around him. He is not capable of a healthy relationship and never will be. Either with you or your children.

You on the other hand sound lovely. You are self aware, and caring, and you are rightly questionning your relationship. A much happier life is ahead of you. Take it one step at a time. Keep talking on here. Reach out to people in real life. And most importantly, keep yourself safe. You already know he is capable of violence, and he is higher risk if he thinks you are pulling away from him. Keep your plans to yourself and get help when it comes to moving out.

Sending you hugs x

Hi layladomino,

I really want to express my gratitude to you for your heartwarming words. It is my first time to post on this forum but receiving these positive support has made me feel much better already.

Yes, on reflection, I think you are right. Because I am actually his second wife. When we first met, he always mention to me how bad and unreasonable his first wife was (basically blamed her for everything), and I believed in him. Now that makes sense to me. I understand why his first wife doesn't want to speak to him until now. And I can expect he his going to bad mouth me too. He is going to do that in front of my children in the future after we separate (because this is what he has been doing to his children in previous marriage).

I want to nourish my children as a happy and positive person but he is putting so much pressure on us. My children is always asking why daddy is not happy. To be honest I do not agree with the way he teaches / treats his children at all. He puts blame on children all the time rather than reasoning with them.

I wish I could have an absolute clean break but it won't happen when children is involved. I wish I am a very selfish person then my life would be happier.

You and your little one will be happier without this awful controlling man. Make your plans and escape. His debts are his problem. Don't make his problems your problems. Good luck.x

“You should only concern yourself with yours and your DCs feelings. Noone else's are your responsibility. How much time do you think your husband spends worrying about your feelings? Not much (ever) I expect. So forget about him and his situation .... he brought that on himself. Your MIL is not your problem.

Your children should not be in the position of worrying about their father's moods. That's awful for them. And I know you think they would be devastated to live apart from him, but I think you might be surprised. Children sense tension in their home and they don't miss it when it's gone. They might love him - he's all they've known as a father - but that doesn't mean its best for them to stay with him. Children (and adults) are capable of loving people who are harmful to them.

Please seek help in getting away from him. That would be best for you and your children.

He is abusive. Violent. Selfish. Moody. Blames you for his mistakes and misfortunes. Has everyone walking on eggshells around him. He is not capable of a healthy relationship and never will be. Either with you or your children.”

This with bells on. Your husband is abusive. Your children are learning that this is how men behave in relationships. If you have sons, they may well emulate this behaviour in future relationships. If you have daughters, they may well tolerate it. Your H probably witnessed this behaviour by his father growing up.

The only people you can afford to worry about here are your children and you. Speak to Women’s Aid. They will help you. Do NOT let your husband know what you’re planning.

Please leave & live the life you want with your Lo. Your husband will ALWAYS have debts no matter how much you help. I understand why you are thinking of others before yourself, especially your husband. This is the way narcissists work, they twist everything so that they are the victim. It is mentally difficult to escape, but you can do this. Picture the future that you want & keep focusing on that. I found writing down everything that my exh said to me helped. When I was stronger I read it back to myself & was shocked how much I'd put up with. It was helpful to keep me strong. As others have said get support from womens aid. Once you have managed to leave him you will feel like a weight has been lifted.
Good luck. Keep us posted on how you are

Thank you very much for the kind words from all the lovely people here

@Joy69

Please leave & live the life you want with your Lo. Your husband will ALWAYS have debts no matter how much you help. I understand why you are thinking of others before yourself, especially your husband. This is the way narcissists work, they twist everything so that they are the victim. It is mentally difficult to escape, but you can do this. Picture the future that you want & keep focusing on that. I found writing down everything that my exh said to me helped. When I was stronger I read it back to myself & was shocked how much I'd put up with. It was helpful to keep me strong. As others have said get support from womens aid. Once you have managed to leave him you will feel like a weight has been lifted. Good luck. Keep us posted on how you are

Thank you so much Joy69.

Yes, for me it is mentally very difficult to leave as I feel pity on him and cannot picture how much it would impact on him (and also my children) after we separate. I also worry how the school and others will see my children if they know my children is from a divorced family. I know I sound (and in fact) very stupid and weak but that is all I have been thinking and worrying about.

As my children are growing up, I start to see the my husband's behaviour really has very negative impact to their upbringing.

I'm presuming you live in the UK @Jasjasrose1223 and if so, school and other people will not think any differently of your children, except perhaps to extend some understanding to them during the break up. Besides that, stop worrying about what other people think, they don't have to live your life.

You do need to change your mindset that you are selfish or that you need to stay in this relationship. No one should be abused. Your husband has a bad track record and seems unlikely to change. How can you pity someone who has called you the most worthless person on earth?

I would urge you to make contact with Women's Aid and any other support group locally and start to put measures in place for you and your children to escape this intolerable situation. There are people knowledgeable and trained to help guide you through your finances and for accommodation etc. and it will be a much healthier situation for all of you.

Don't worry at this stage about any future relationships between the children and their father, just concentrate on making their day to day life happier and more tolerable and remember, just like the advice on aeroplanes to fit your own oxygen mask before helping others, you need to be in a better place to guide your children and teach them about successful relationships

I'm really sorry you're suffering right now. My ex would blame me too. There was also a train related incident that left me in tears, so your post really resonated with me.

In terms of financials I would really recommend the Debt Free Wannabe forums on the Money Saving Expert. They can help you look at your finances and offer non-judgemental advice. You could also contact StepChange which is a debt charity. The website entitledto can help you work out if you would be entitled to any benefits if you left.

It will seem overwhelming at the moment because there are so many unknowns but seeking information and support, is a really good first step into making an informed decision on where you go from here.

@Colourmeclear

I'm really sorry you're suffering right now. My ex would blame me too. There was also a train related incident that left me in tears, so your post really resonated with me.

In terms of financials I would really recommend the Debt Free Wannabe forums on the Money Saving Expert. They can help you look at your finances and offer non-judgemental advice. You could also contact StepChange which is a debt charity. The website entitledto can help you work out if you would be entitled to any benefits if you left.

It will seem overwhelming at the moment because there are so many unknowns but seeking information and support, is a really good first step into making an informed decision on where you go from here.

@Colourmeclear, thank you very much! You information is very helpful x

@meadowbleu

I'm presuming you live in the UK *@Jasjasrose1223* and if so, school and other people will not think any differently of your children, except perhaps to extend some understanding to them during the break up. Besides that, stop worrying about what other people think, they don't have to live your life.

You do need to change your mindset that you are selfish or that you need to stay in this relationship. No one should be abused. Your husband has a bad track record and seems unlikely to change. How can you pity someone who has called you the most worthless person on earth?

I would urge you to make contact with Women's Aid and any other support group locally and start to put measures in place for you and your children to escape this intolerable situation. There are people knowledgeable and trained to help guide you through your finances and for accommodation etc. and it will be a much healthier situation for all of you.

Don't worry at this stage about any future relationships between the children and their father, just concentrate on making their day to day life happier and more tolerable and remember, just like the advice on aeroplanes to fit your own oxygen mask before helping others, you need to be in a better place to guide your children and teach them about successful relationships

@meadowbleu Thank you very much! Knowing there are support groups really helps. I did not know anything about Women's Aid before, I am glad that I posted this thread and received so much helpful information. At least I feel less hopeless. Thanks! x

I have been in a very similar situation to you. From now until you separate it will be hard. You just have to remember that it is short term pain for long term gain. Your children will be so much happier not being in the current environment. You also have to toughen up in terms of worrying about him or your mil. Your child comes first and he is a grown man. Just imagine waking in the morning not having to worry about him all the time. I know it's hard but please find the strength to do this for you and your child xx

Lovely, a full grown arse man and his mother can help themselves. Your children can’t.
The children are more important than the grown ups, in terms of wellbeing and care, because they’re not able to fend for themselves. Your husband is a grown up, he knows what he’s doing.
You are being abused, not loved and cared for, not supported.
Call Woman’s Aid.
You will be fine, there are so many women in the same position as you, so many of us have been through the same thing. You can do this, there is help.