Heart & Head conflict - Thoughts welcome

[Fruitandnuts]

After previous dating disasters, 2 long term relationships gone sour and back and forth on dating apps having some awful experiences I have been dating steadily for over 1 year. However I have a bit of a conflict going on between my heart and my head. I am posting here to gain perspectives. I am 38 would describe myself as very independent, good job, own home, have travelled and very happy with my life. In previous long term relationships I guess I was abit of a commitment phobe. I think this stems from bad male examples growing up. A lot of alcoholic male relatives and there’s been a narrative where I feel that I can never really relay on a man. I’ve always felt I must look after myself. In the past year I’ve been thinking about trying to have children. The reality is the clock is ticking. I’ve never properly brought the topic up with past boyfriends but this relationship feels different. My partner has a DC who is a teenager. No red flags and gets on very well with DC mother. He is more than happy to have more kids and we have talked a lot around the subject. He is self-employed in and out of work, this is something I’m not used too. He often has to travel/work late/unpredictable schedule. He was going to take on a contract but now has been going back and forth and its causing me some anxiety. He feels he cant go back to working 'for someone'. I have expressed my concerns but at the end of the day I cant tell him what to do. I worry about this as I feel a man with a ‘proper’ 9-5pm coming home every night would make me feel more settled. I do tend to overthink a lot I guess I have a nagging feeling that this could be a disaster. The challenge is…

Heart thoughts – he is a funny, intelligent, caring, very emotionally intelligent. My heart says who cares about his work as long as he is happy and I’m not tied to him. I'm not rushing to get married but TTC is more the issue as I'm 39 soon. I want to start TTC and feel like he’d make a great father and I am more than capable even if we didn’t work out. This could be my shot at motherhood and a great relationship.

Head thoughts – Is this all a risk with his unstable/on/off work? What if he’s away all the time, becomes consumed with work and I become unhappy. I have a feeling the relationship with DC mother ended due to his focus on work. Should I end this and look for someone more ‘stable’. Thinking of starting over dating, finding someone, if they wanted kids etc is a risk too.

I just have a fear i maybe cant articulate properly but I am thinking alot. Any thoughts welcome...

Ok so you know how difficult it is to find a good relationship with a man that wants children, it's a very big risk to take starting over again just for someone to work 9-5
It maybe that you will have to take on Most of the child care if he's late home in the evenings, or maybe you'll have to pay for childcare while you work, I think you'd have to be comfortable being the mother that does most of the rearing, which lets be honest happens in most relationships anyway.

Think you are over thinking this. He sounds like a good man. Please stop thinking that the man is the bread winner and is the all consuming one that must be able to provide and protect. Thats just conditioning nonsense. You say you have a good job and lovely life anyway. Why would you dump this nice man who is wanting children with you and seems to be a good person so you can fit societal norms? Can you not think outside the box and say "I have the stability of a job and can settle down with this man regardless. He is doing his best to work hard". If, however you are still stuck with the man must be settled and 9 to 5 for me to be happy then you have to tell him right now and finish the relationship and hope to goodness you dont end up with a 9 to 5 narcissist! Its your call but tell him soon so he can settle down with someone who will look at his work ethic as good thing and will work with him and his schedule.

Thank you, these replies are helping. It's likely a fear i cant explain, we have spoken about TTC and my head is filled with - its too late, what if i have a MC, what if , what if. He has reassured me in a kind way and knows i suffer from general anxiety. I tend to focus on worst case scenarios

Can you or are you getting help with your anxiety? It can be a relationship killer with catastrophic thinking all the time. If you tackle your anxiety with help I think you will find your thought process will be very different towards your partners non 9 to 5 work pattern.

I have had some sessions of CBT, my anxiety flares up every so often. I had to admit this part of my personality to him a few months back and was crying (had some work related anxiety myself) but he was very supportive. Maybe part of my fear is feeling i'll be taken advantage of because i am very stable, like things a certain way, plan alot whereas he can be very 'go with the flow'. I've never dated someone self employed and having a variable income would give me anxiety.

But you are not doing his job though. He is and he doesnt suffer from anxiety about the variables in it. Lots of people thrive in the unknown and variables. It gives them a sense of motivation to seek things out. I think you need to accept you come from opposite sides of the coin. You are stable, like things a certain way and plan...this all stops your anxiety. He, on the other hand does not have these certainties but survives nevertheless. How would someone take advantage of your stability? You are only taken advantage of if you let them.