Can anyone offer any advice on how to build mental boundaries when co-parenting with a narcissist.

[Iwannascream8]

I will be getting some real life support in the next few days ( I bloody hope anyway).

What can I start putting in place in my head to start to deal with co-parenting with someone who’s only interested in stepping on my boundaries? He has already made this perfectly clear he is still here and going nowhere etc etc.

They definitely plot and plan. Sometimes an opportunity to be mean helpfully presents itself and they can't resist it.

@AllInTentsWithPorpoises

Lots of excellent advice above. Also, learn his patterns. Your narc might not be the same as mine but mine follows this pattern every time. And once I realised that, it has been easier to see it for what it is, to notice when things start ramping up and to then act accordingly. Its not always easy and sometimes you do get sucked in before you know it but it does help and it makes it easier to then step away once I do realise what is happening.

calm > tension building (you can feel it but you don't quite know what) > incident/s > steps back and watches the damage > hoovering/ niceness to get on your friendly side again

Did we marry the same pig?

@coodawoodashooda I swear there's a mould somewhere. One day when the kids have grown, we'll all be free of their fuckery.

[quote AllInTentsWithPorpoises]@coodawoodashooda I swear there's a mould somewhere. One day when the kids have grown, we'll all be free of their fuckery.[/quote]
That made me laugh. How old do you think our kids have to be for that to happen? I might as well have married a parasite.

Do narcissists not know they are narcissists then? Or is there a range? Are some aware of their behaviour?

They don't call it narcissism or a disorder, they "know" that they're simply the bestest, cleverest and awesomest people alive and basically better than everyone else.

It sounds ludicrous until they tell you this themselves without a hint of irony.

They're not ashamed of it as they consider it to be an obvious fact - they're proud of it and the amazeballsness of themselves.

Mine isn’t really like that. I’m not sure I should have used narcissist in the title. He doesn’t appear to think he is the best. He just has no concept of empathy or the needs of others. He will try and fill your need like a transaction if somehow he gets something out of it. He hasn’t ever done anything wrong and he is the victim at all times. You can’t love him enough he just wants more and more. He is very damaged. He takes on peoples identities. He used to speak differently to different people and act differently. He has the identity of victim down to a t. He is going to love court and putting on his victim hat.

I’ve seen it in action. He will love having our daughter. Taking her out in public so everyone can see, buying endless gifts, bragging in front of family etc. But as soon as she acts up and doesn’t fill him with her admiration then that’s it. I’ve had it before here take your child back she is naughty, I don’t want her when she is sick, I don’t want her when a) b) c) etc etc. I won’t feed her properly, keep to any routines, brush teeth, hair.

@Iwannascream8 he may well be a covert narcissist. Will try to find a link to explain

covert narcissist

My ex wears personalities like coats.

I used to find it really confusing.

My boyfriend now just has one, he is the same around me, he parents, outside in public. It’s nice to know who I’m dealing with.

@AllInTentsWithPorpoises

covert narcissist

My ex wears personalities like coats.

Mine too. I find it really hard that i can't explain this to people without looking like im mental.

@coodawoodashooda it's weird, its like a sort of second skin that changes for each person he's with. He takes one off and puts another one on. Seriously, if I wasn't trying to divorce him, I'd consider taking up psychology and using him as an 'out in the wild' experiment. Bit like David Attenborough with PTSD.

And they do this because why? Don’t they have a solid identity?

At a guess it's how they get people to do things for them. Put on the personalitity that appeals to x person to get them to do y thing for them.

Plus, no maybe they don't? Maybe that level of self knowledge is somewhere they can't go mentally.

I had a narcissistic boss for a while and also looked into this. It's believed they have a very weak sense of self that needs constant propping up by other people's admiration or by putting other people down. They lack self-awareness. They're basically emotionally stunted individuals with limited capacity for growth.

They don't call it narcissism or a disorder, they "know" that they're simply the bestest, cleverest and awesomest people alive and basically better than everyone else.

OMG this is very very true and made me smile. I can laugh now that my daughter is 18 and I no longer have to see the twat, plus she has worked out exactly what he is a good few years ago.

Be strong though OP. From what you've said, your ex is 100% a narcissist. You will come through the other side.

[quote AllInTentsWithPorpoises]@coodawoodashooda it's weird, its like a sort of second skin that changes for each person he's with. He takes one off and puts another one on. Seriously, if I wasn't trying to divorce him, I'd consider taking up psychology and using him as an 'out in the wild' experiment. Bit like David Attenborough with PTSD.[/quote]
I know exactly what you mean. It is fking exhausting. Mine tricked my lawyer too, for years she thought he was a workaholic as opposed to an utter piece of vile cruelty.

@Iwannascream8

I’ve seen it in action. He will love having our daughter. Taking her out in public so everyone can see, buying endless gifts, bragging in front of family etc. But as soon as she acts up and doesn’t fill him with her admiration then that’s it. I’ve had it before here take your child back she is naughty, I don’t want her when she is sick, I don’t want her when a) b) c) etc etc. I won’t feed her properly, keep to any routines, brush teeth, hair.

Stbxh does that, especially in public. Even if I'm the other side of the room and the 'naughty' DC is right beside him, he'll come over and his at me, "deal with YOUR child".

He likes to publically Dad He doesn't mind doing the public taking DC to school bit of the school run if he's not busy, but even if I'm really sick and he's sat on his arse doing nothing, he'll still expect me to do everything else. He just wants to be presented with a nicely dressed, calm child whose ready for him to play 'great Dad' with.

I wouldn't say Stbxh thinks he's the greatest, at least not openly, but he prioritises his smallest wants over my needs. He definitely thinks he's more worthy than me or our children.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

I wouldn't say Stbxh thinks he's the greatest, at least not openly, but he prioritises his smallest wants over my needs. He definitely thinks he's more worthy than me or our children.

Oh god, yes. The hierarchy. When we were together it was definitely him, work, money, ds, dd, me. The longer the divorce goes on (divorce proceedings started in mid 2018) the worse I realise he is/ was. It is like an onion of weird PTSD layers and sometimes I can deal with it and other times just seeing an email from him makes me feel physically sick. I long for the day this is over. I get on pretty well with his parents and I'm seriously considering writing a letter to them once it is all agreed and signed off to explain how much irreparable damage he has done. I might never send it but I think I will write it.

Why do you want them to read that letter?

Oh no don’t send a letter, he will be happy to know what he has done. Write it then burn it.

Ugh I don't know. It was a 20 year relationship and even his mum admits that he's got very odd habits. I don't think they realise quite how bad things have got and how much of an effect it's going to have on a co-parenting basis for the rest of forever. Like I said I may not send it anyway. But I think I need to get it out somewhere!

@Iwannascream8 I hope you are getting some real life support now? How are you feeling about things?

Um @AllInTentsWithPorpoises I don’t tend to to think much about him anymore, certainly not his opinion anymore. I was doing really well. It’s been a few years now. I’ve been with this a really great guy coming up to what 14 months, what a difference he is. I found out the other day tho my ex has moved in down the street and it’s kind of brought a few things back. I don’t want to be bumping into him all the time.

Grey rock, parallel parenting. Both really work but it has taken me a long time to really learn them. It isnt a case that it is easy to switch mode but keep practising and be kind to yourself when you don't manage it.

I also agree with the advice to focus on teaching your children that their thoughts and feelings matter. ExH still belittles mine and dismisses their illnesses, wishes, comforts etc. But they know that with me they can have feelings and preferences and a say in their lives.