Holiday cock-up!

[Whatacockup]

I very stupidly let me self get talked into going on a very expensive foreign holiday without DH. I am a people pleaser without any "balls" to say no! I really dont want to go because I would be in a room on my own only knowing one close friend who is also going (she knows the majority of the group going - I dont!). I am worried about everything including the very huge final cost (big drinkers/party goers). I know I will lose my deposit but how can I back out without upsetting my friend. In the grand scheme of life its a ridiculous problem but I just can't stop worrying about it. Apart from needing some serious counselling about constantly trying to be "liked" and scared to say no I would love some views - good or bad?

You know what, I think I'd just lie. Family crisis has arisen which makes it impossible for me to go away on those dates. So sorry. No I can't talk about it but thank you for asking. I hope you all have a lovely time.

If you back out will the others have to pay more? If they won't then I would just say, after working out the total cost unfortunately I'm not going to be able to afford it so won't be coming.

Thank you!

No-one else will have to pay anything. Just me who will lose my deposit.

@heldinadream

You know what, I think I'd just lie. Family crisis has arisen which makes it impossible for me to go away on those dates. So sorry. No I can't talk about it but thank you for asking. I hope you all have a lovely time.

Errr why do this? It will just set up a chain of lies and you will be found out - not good.

Just say you can't afford it which is the truth and nothing wrong with that.

I will tell the truth - I just feel really horrible and sad that I let myself get talked into things just to stay friends!

Indeed tell the truth here and set up some counselling for yourself asap re people pleasing behaviours. I would think your people pleasing behaviours started as a result of parent pleasing or wanting to please them/get their approval.

Do read "The disease to please" by Dr Harriet B Braiker and "Boundaries; When to say yes and how to say No to take control of your life" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

Is it possible that the group could find someone else to go? Save your deposit?

@AttilaTheMeerkat 100% spot on. Frightened to say no because of my childhood and desperate for my mum to be pleased/proud of me because she would be emotionally cruel if I disappointed her. Horrible sad childhood. Still do it all the time, whether its going somewhere I don't want to etc, I just say yes or I feel guilty and mean. I will find those books.
@Oakpine I have resigned myself that I will lose the deposit because its my fault and the actual cost of the holiday would be so much.

I've been there, a people-pleaser. Learned after a good while that good friends don't mind when you say 'no'. Anyone who sulks or argues isn't a friend and is no loss to you.

Start small and start to practice saying 'no, that doesn't suit me' or 'no, thanks, I don't fancy that'. It's like exercise - once you start and practice it, you get better and it gets easier.

Then one day you realise that absolutely noone of any worth was offended when you said no.

Just be honest, as you say, and ask if any of them has another friend who could take your place, so you might be able to recover your deposit minus an administration fee.
It’s always best to be honest, especially with a good friend.
Don’t beat yourself up about this, lots of us get carried away in the heat of the moment and enthusiasm.

@OMGisthisforreal I definitely got caught up in the moment and felt backed into a corner! When I had chance to think about it I panicked an thought "I really don't want to go on this!".

Tell them you are worried about surging Covid. It's true enough.

Just go you might enjoy it

[quote Whatacockup]@OMGisthisforreal I definitely got caught up in the moment and felt backed into a corner! When I had chance to think about it I panicked an thought "I really don't want to go on this!".[/quote]
Just say this - more or less. That you got caught up in the fun idea of it but recently have spent time worrying about money, planning etc so don't think it's for you. Perhaps contact the hotel they're staying in and put £30 behind the bar for the group's first cocktail to show its nothing personal and you hope they have a good time x