Child arrangements in separated family

[tripletsohgod]

Sorry, I wasn't sure how to title this.

DP and I split up when DD (6) was 1. It was a mutual agreement to separate. . She has no memory of us being together. We've had her 50/50 all her life. For as long as she's been able to communicate, she's cried about having to go to him and wanting to stay with me. I'm confident he looks after her and loves her, but it is very hard to know that for half her life she is feeling like this.

She says she feels sad and is always missing me. When she's with me she's always checking how long she has until she goes back to her dad. He won't consider allowing her to spend more time with me, I don't know if that's selfish of him or understandable. Both probably. I don't know what to do. Surely her voice must be listened to?

I'm looking for advice on how to change the current set up. What other agencies might get involved? I don't want to use solicitors, we've not needed anything like that until now.

As this has been her life, I feel that you need to work on her emotions, explore why she gets upset, does she do the same when she’s with her dad?
Changing the living arrangements now without exploring this would be just as harmful - unless of course there’s a valid reason why she prefers being with you rather than with her dad.

This sounds really tough - it must be so hard to hear this from your DD!

If you're confident that she enjoys her time when she's with her dad, and he loves her, would you consider working through to see if this is just a clingy phase? How do you respond when she is like this? Are you supportive or do you dramatise? (Genuinely no intent to offend there, I just know some people deal with things differently, I couldn't think of a better word than dramatise apologies!)

It's hard doing 50/50 at a young age, but IMO beneficial that she has a strong relationship with both of you. I think there's a difference between listening to her voice and doing what she wants. You'd listen to her if she was crying saying she didn't want to eat vegetables ever again, but you'd help her understand she needs balance and they help her grow etc you wouldn't just never feed her then again on her say so.

To change the arrangement you could perhaps try mediation, but the risk is if your partner doesn't want to have less contact he may not engage / prefer to go down a different route. I am not convinced that after 5 years of 50/50 that if anything was to be taken down an official route they'd award a solution that would be heavily in your favour, unless there was a good reason to.

Does she cry when at his about not wanting to come back to yours? It may be the disruption about the actual hand over? Rather than being with the other parent so to speak.
Does the other parent collect her from school rather than yours and visa versa?

No at 6 they don’t take children’s opinions into account.

I’d try to find out why, but perhaps also see if she’s doing the same with him? My DSD sometimes moans at us about going home to Mum but also sometimes moans at Mum and Stepdad about coming to Dad, usually because she’s in the middle of something and doesn’t like stopping to put shoes on or moving on to a new activity! Within 5 minutes she’s totally fine and enjoying herself.

In all honesty it's probably the transition that's the issue, how long is each residency? Some children benefit from every other week for instance so they can settle at each home, whereas others fare better with more frequent changes every day or two changing.

Can you arrange to meet exp away from dd and talk about the concerns, how anxious she gets and see if changing the pattern could help, or better communication in between contact eg video calling (I'm assuming there's no real underlying problem)

I'm sorry, I abandoned this. The problem is, she doesn't like it there. She's not happy, and it feels so wrong that she has to live like this to meet his needs/desire to have her half the time. Why does she not have a voice in this? I hate it that my child is living a life of constantly feeling unsettled and worried, and dreading the next time she leaves me.

It sounds like you had a fairly amicable split (mutual decision and not having to involve lawyers). While I understand your distress at her distress, he has as much right to have her as you have. You acknowledge that he loves her and cares for her.
You've been given lots of good advice about how things might be improved. I think the starting point should be sitting down with him (without her) and making a plan to increase her happiness and confidence.
All the best.

But why is about his 'right' to her? She's a human, a child. What about her right? She's not a commodity to be shared around because she brings happiness. This is what I can't understand. At what point does her right to happiness come before his? When she's 16? What a waste of a childhood.

I used to say similar things to my mum as a child when she would send me to my dads, and what i will say is there was a very good reason for it:( Not at all suggesting something is going on at dads but I dropped hints like this all the time to my mum and she didn’t catch on. I think the best thing to do would to have a proper sit down with her and find out exactly why she doesn’t enjoy being at her dads house. Does he have another family? Could it be a step mum or brothers/sisters?

Thank you for replying, I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences. I'm confident there is nothing untoward, thankfully. He's just lazy, not fun and not great at care type stuff (eg nice meals, hair, teeth etc). It's all 'adequate' but she clearly feels less looked after and comfortable there. No step family.

The main thing she says when I ask her is that she just misses me and wants to be with me all the time. I don't think she'd feel this if she was happy with her dad, not after all this time.

My kids don’t like going to school but I’m still expected to send them 🤷‍♀️ Kids have to do things they don’t like unless abuse etc

I don't think you should frame it as he gets what he wants at her expense. Having a good meaningful relationship with her dad is absolutely to her benefit. She may well have more fun at your house, but that would likely change if she was with you all the time, as you wouldn't have that 50 per cent of the time to take care of everything else, so she would encounter more boring times at yours when you cannot focus on her as much.

It does sound like he is putting his rights above his childs happiness and wellbeing. Unfortunately it's all about fathers rights. It's a shame he will not reduce his time for a little while and see if it could be built back up when she feels more comfortable. Hopefully she will be listened to much earlier than 16. It must be hard to watch your daughter go through this and not be able to help her.