Do most people have a "what if....?" guy or it is just me?

[threeweekings]

The current thread entitled something like "Were you madly in love or did you just settle?" has got me thinking.

Okay. Been with dh since we were 18, married age 25. Slight blip during that time before we were married when I was with someone else for a very short time. He was a friend, and still is. Due to circumstances/choices I went back to my now-dh. Don't see the other guy very often but email a lot and have a great connection. Problem is that lately I've been wondering something along the lines of "what if we'd stayed together....?"

I love, respect and admire my dh. He's my hero. We have 3 healthy, beautiful children. So why do I keep raking up the past? I don't want to jeopardise what I have in any way and feel so guilty. I would be devastated if I found out dh had been thinking like this. I can't see any way to stop this apart from cutting all contact with my friend. Is this a common problem? It's not something I feel I can talk to my friends about. Do I just need a healthy dose of pragmatism or is something wrong with my relationship?

I would be so grateful for any suggestions or to hear of similar experiences.

also...think about how your DH would feel if he saw your emails to your friend. could he misinterpret them or do they read as harmless?
do you need to change the nature of your friendship?

Hmm....have to think about that one. There's definitely a lot of personal stuff. Maybe some of it could be considered flirty. No, I don't think I'd want dh to see them.

sounds like its just a case of wonering if 'the grass is greener' iyswim. 3 children is really hard work, is this wondering just some form of escapeism do you think? if it was me, i would cut all ties with the 'friend' before it blow up in your face.

it's so easy to get flirtatious over email and then so easy to forget to delete all of them and then have someone stumble across it and...

DELETE DELETE!

I know I sort of asked for someone to say cut all ties, but this guy is so important to me, I would hate not to have him in my life. I suppose it is a form of escapism - no stress, responsibility etc, just lovely chats and support for each other. This can slide a bit with partners I suppose, among the trials of life. It's all donkey work with 3 little ones, not much mental stimulation.

It's my own email account with my own password.

My DH wouldn't like if he overheard the conversations I have with my male friend but then again imagine what our DH's would think if they could overhear the conversations we have with our female friends?!! Especially when we're whinging about them or talking about some hot bloke on Tv or whatever. There's no sin in talking to people or confiding in people. As long as you've not getting jiggy with him (excuse the ridiculous phrase I just thought it was amusing), then you need not feel guilty. Thoughts are not punishable!! Excuse me but I pretty much know it as fact that our DH's think about shagging other girls, of course they do! It doesn't mean they do it or are going to do it. It's fairly common knowledge that a red blooded male can't see a shop assistant bending over without thinking about shagging them, even the lovely old faithful hubbys. it's only thoughts. I thnk in the guilt stakes us girls have far less to feel guilty about if we're talking unfaithful thoughts! give yourself a break from feeling guilty at least. It's just escapism and a closeness that sounds nice.
Flirting is also not a crime; only start to feel terrible and guilty if you sneak off to a motel with him. Up till that point yo're fine, just enjoy it. My DH probably flirts with the girls who come in his shop but it doesn't mean they're swapping phne numbers and arranging trips to motels! I would flirt given half the chance; how dull not to. But I'm not going to do anything about it. There are no thought police and our DH's can't rea our minds and thank God we can't read theirs. We are our own people; we're allowed to have our own thoughts and fantasies. Being married doesn't mean we must curtail our thoughts to what we think our Dh's wold approve of!

You're right of course jetson. But I feel it's not as simple as lusting after good looking men! It's more of a mental and emotional connection which to me seems almost worse. I honestly don't think my dh has ever had this with anyone - he's very solid, unemotional and straightforward. What he has with me seems to be enough for him, which I know is so sweet of him. I wish I didn't feel the need to fill the gaps with someone else.

We are more complicated than blokes. Try not to compare yourself with your husband in that "he doesn't need emotional support from anyone else so I feel guilty because I do". We value emotional and mental connection far more than men do; do you think men have an enormous website like this one to give each other emotional and mental support?! No, I doubt it; they dont need the same things as us, so don't feel bad that you need something that your hubby seems not to need. It really doesn't sound to me like being unfaithful; I really think your hubby would probably only view "Rumpy Pumpy" as unfaithful (here I go again with the insane silly rude phraseology!)as he won't view supporting anoher emotionally and mentally as so hugely important as we girlys do. That's if he's a real Man's Man which from what you say and if he's like my DH then he is. He probably wouldn't resent you getting that elsewhere; it's probable it would be seen as "saving him a job" as he doesn't have to listen to all your girly woes. Sorry I don't know your DH so I am making outrageous assumptions but I'm just basing it on my knowledge of my own hubby and hoping it fits your hubby too. My hubby just doesn't view that as vital to a relationship and is a touch awkward and crap at it anyway. He has never had a prob with me meeting up with my old friend and he would never really realise how much it meant to me to have someone to pour my heart out to. I guess that could be seen as kindof sad but like I say I get differnt things from my hubby and as long as I don't have to exist on a desert island with just him then that's fine with me. You cannot get everyhing from one person. Perhaps we should take two or three husbands each (OMG that would be a nightmare actually!!)

shit just heard from my what if guy he lives in the south of france now but is coming over for an operation in january. we kind of skirted around issues on the phone but he kind of lead me to believe that he does still love me. my dh is lovely, but damaged goods both because of his homelife and because of his accident/disability. but so am i, and i really want a life. i want to be cherished and this was an older guy in my life who cherished me, and kind of lead me to believe that he still does. should i go and see him in hospital when he comes over here for his op?

?

jetson, what you say is reassuring.

But don't you feel envious when you see other couple who have that extra spark and are obviously completely on the same wavelength? I recently saw friends of mine just look at each other across a room full of people and they just had this contented look in their eyes as if they were sharing a lovely secret. I think if I managed to catch dh's eye across a crowded room I'd be lucky, and he'd probably wonder what on earth I was doing.

cubby - are you happy with your dh? why did you split up with the what if guy? I can see why you want to go and see him but it will definitely stir things up if you feel the way you say. It depends how much self-control you have.

Left home at 18 to move in with dh,in rather shocking circs, and had never told my what if guy how I felt about him. (I was 18 he was 35). When he found out I had left home, he came and found me in this grotty bedsit we were living in and told me that my friend had told him how I felt about him and asked me to marry him and move to the South of France with him. But for me there was no going back, i had already made one enormous, shocking move and didn't feel that I could go back on it. And I never really knew if his asking was just a ploy to get me out of my situation, or whether he really meant it.

Until now.

Not read whole thread, but yup - I have the friend (who I don't actually see now) who I have told DH many times is his replacement if he ever sods off and leaves me (I don't think that my guy has any interest in me whatsoever )

I also have the ex who I KNOW it was terrible with, but you still have the occasional hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm thoughts