Struggling with parents

[DaddyTee]

I'm really struggling with my parents right now. In my opinion, they are becoming more and more irrational and now it has got to the point where I really don't know what to do.

MUM:
She's down to earth, and I mean really. She says things how they are regardless of hurting people but also will quite often say really inappropriate and hurtful comments and it is a real struggle to get her to realise that she went too far.
Examples:
When we announced that my wife was pregnant she said "who's the father"...to this day she claims she said "who's the daddy" as in well done me for producing a child and it was actually said in a congratulatory tone.

My wife's parents bought my mum a box of chocolates as a Christmas present, to which she said "you do know we are diabetic".

I fell out with my sister about a week before my 30th birthday and then had a go at me for arguing with my sister because she'd gone to all this effort to make a surprise birthday for me and proceeded to supply all the details of my surprise.

For my 31st, where my girlfriend at the time made it a special one because my parents had ruined my 30th birthday surprise, my mum buys me an oven steam cleaner and gives it to me in front of all my friends.

My wife's dad has just died of COVID and liver failure in the most horrible way and my mum says to me on the phone (thankfully only I heard this) "at least he is out of his misery".

DAD:
He talks to my mum in the most derogatory way, he complains about her cooking, not the taste though, it is too hot, or too cold and she is always "doing it on purpose". I feel like my mum smoked for as long as she did just to cope with dad. She has quit now and I really don't know how she has.

Our latest issue is that I called up dad and asked for some advice about mum, they are both coming up at Christmas and I'm really worried my mum might say something to my wife that really hurts her deeply. My dad's response appalled me actually. He actually said that my wife (who's dad only died last Tuesday) should "grow a pair" and accept that mum is like that. He actually said that.

I'm at the point where I really don't know what to do now. I actually want to protect my wife from them but they are my parents. We don't get on that well, haven't for a very long time, but if I uninvite them from Christmas, which I'm thinking is for the better right now, I feel it could end up being the end of our relationship.

Any advice is welcome...

Imo you need to put your marriage before the relationship with your dps.
.

Cliché but people can only meet you emotionally at their own level.

Could you perhaps use the fact that your wife has had such a close and recent bereavement to explain that you are not up to hosting or doing much socialising this Christmas? Might buy you a bit of time?

OP "but if I uninvite them from Christmas, which I'm thinking is for the better right now, I feel it could end up being the end of our relationship."

I think the end of this relationship would be a good thing.

Condolences to you and your wife on the loss of your FIL.

That’s so sad and hard.

What about - your wife has had it so hard you both going somewhere together cottage / hotel / spa just the 2 of you. Both need to relax. Decided to do something special together as a couple. Don’t tell them where so they can’t do a surprise act!

You need to stick with your wife or she won’t tolerate them as she’s upset. This is not the year to deal with your parents - you need to put your wife first.

They would blow my mind if they came out with comments like you have stated and I’d had a glass of wine 😬😬😬

Why the hell are you inviting them at the expense of your DP when she is grieving. Tell them straight it isn't convenient.
My parents behave like this and I never go there, I don't reward terrible behaviour.

What does your wife want?

Do that.

It sounds like your Mum is lacking in social skills. Nothing you say is going to help her develop them.

You need to protect your grieving wife. Your parents cannot be trusted to behave with any sort of decency, so they should be kept away from her.

And, FTR, it’s not about YOU doing this to THEM. It’s about THEIR choices and behaviour having consequences.

You cannot set yourself and/or wife on fire to keep your parents warm.

And to add, your father’s response is appalling. “You know your mother is self absorbed and verbally abusive. Quit complaining and take it, otherwise I have to deal with her. Better you and your wife than me.”

Experience tells me that those who spout, “That’s just how he/she is!” have a vested interest in keeping the abuse targets in place, usually to ensure they don’t become the next one.

@DaddyTee

This sounds horrendous what an awful situation but I'd be putting your wife first

Go away at Christmas just let them get on with being miserable

My cousin has this with her Mum (my dads sister) and stepfather - no wonder her Dad left her mum she said she was upset at the time she was only 12 she understands now why!! My cousin has NOTHING to do with them I suggest you do the same