TW - A handhold for me please

[lewistheunicorn]

I wasn't sure where this fitted in so please do let me know if there is a better place. I have also name changed for obvious reasons.

TW: pregnancy loss & DV

Today marks the day I would have been due DC2. I chose to abort the pregnancy as I was planning to leave STBXH and I didn't want to bring another child into an abusive marriage. I was also conscious that I couldn't afford another maternity leave alone and certainly couldn't afford nursery fees for two.

The pregnancy was a contraception failure. I had left him 3 times before and just kept going back. He was physically violent and emotionally manipulative. I was totally isolated from everyone. He was violent to me when I was pregnant with my DD, he was violent to me when she was a tiny newborn in my arms, he was violent to me when I was caring for her as an older baby. Since I was a child, I longed for a big, happy family. My Dd will be 2 in a few weeks and she would have made the most wonderful big sister.

I moved nearly 200 miles away from him just under 6 months ago. I managed to find myself in a job I love which pays really well, my Dd is thriving in her new nursery, I am hoping to get us our own place in the new year (we are currently staying with family).

Day to day, I'm happy but tonight I just feel the most inconsolable grief for the child I chose to leave behind. My heart really is broken. I despise him for forcing me into this decision. I have questioned myself every day since I made the choice I did and ultimately I know I made the right one for my DD. It's just heartbreaking.

Again, I'm very sorry if this is the wrong place to post. Only one person knows about this IRL and I cannot bother her with my sadness right now.

you did what you needed to do and it was a very difficukt and brave decision to make.
Grieve today for your loss but tomorrow celebrate the move you made to keep your DD save and give her a much better life away from your ex,

@storminateacupagain

you did what you needed to do and it was a very difficukt and brave decision to make. Grieve today for your loss but tomorrow celebrate the move you made to keep your DD save and give her a much better life away from your ex,

Thank you for your kind words

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling down at the moment. But as PP said, you made the choice that you felt was the right decision at the time. You did what was right for your daughter and to make sure that she and yourself would be safe and that is something to be proud of. You were in a difficult situation but you are now in a better position in life. You’re safe and your daughter is safe.

Be kinder to yourself and while it’s ok to grieve a child lost no matter under what circumstances, do try to be kinder to yourself when you’re feeling this sad.

I hope you and your daughter have a nice Christmas (God Jul) .

You made a choice for you and your child to live and find happiness . It took bravery to make ALL of the choices you made. If you’d stayed it would be 3 terrified abused people. That isn’t living as life should not be existing in terror. You are allowed sadness at the what should have been, but Let go of the guilt. You deserve to be happy!

I can't imagine how you're feeling but you had no choice. Not if you wanted to keep your dd safe. Well done for being brave and I wish you all the best in your future.

You're so strong and so brave OP, even if it doesn't feel like it with your heart breaking. You did what was necessary to keep your DD safe in the horrendous circumstances you found yourself in. Its OK to grieve for your loss