Smear campaign after abusive relationship/friendship

[stealingbeauty]

Has anyone here had a smear campaign done on them after ending things with an abuser (family, friend, partner)?
How serious were the rumours and accusations? Did you defend yourself?

I had one started against me over a year ago and it’s been awful to cope with. I haven’t actually defended myself against what was said (only to my parents). I’m not sure how to cope with it really, as I’ve lost people over it.

You have my sympathies.

Standard advice is to keep ignoring it, keep being true to yourself, and eventually it goes away. The reasoning being that anyone important in your life would not be fooled by a smear campaign.

It's not quite as straightforward as that, though, is it? A smear campaign can spread like wildfire. Depending on the abuser's approach, the smear campaign can spread its tentacles into all areas of your life: your neighbours, local people you've never met, your employer, potential employers, your hobbies ...

What's your approach regarding the people you've lost already?

Yes. To the rest of our large group of friends. Sadly I lost almost all of the friends.

The gaslighting abuser was frankly more plausible, more convincing, more persuasive, saner - not surprising given that no one had been gaslighting and abusing him for a decade

So I lost my dear group of friends, to whom I'd been close for twenty years. But my family took my side once I explained what he'd done. And five years on I'm very happy and life is good.

It was hell at the time though. I'm so so sorry you're going through it.

Yes. By my ex. I ignored completely.

Refused to engage.

People are now seeing him for the lying gaslighting bastard he is.

It’s something that has spread like wildfire through the family, and a lot has been said that I don’t even know about. Several of my relatives have stopped talking to me over it. I haven’t tried to defend myself. I’ll never respect them again so it has changed how i view them, but it’s now made family dynamics very awkward and upsetting for me (which was exactly the intention!).

I think if I try and approach anyone over it it’ll make me look like I’m trying to cause trouble.

Whatever has been said was very serious and very believable.

Just thought I’d add, we’ve not had a family argument before so it’s a really big deal and I’ve been blamed for the whole thing.

Rather than defend yourself, could you ask them directly what they have been told? If what they have been told is untrue, could you state that it is untrue without going into details?

I have been there. I stopped speaking to my parents over it, because they believed there must be some truth in it. .
In fairness to them, they thought the marriage was a decent one and I seemed to have left out of nowhere. No one could comprehend I left for me. Rather than for some secret reason.

My teen dd also stopped speaking to me for a while.

I decided to be honest about the abuse I suffered and if people believed me, they did and of they didn't, they didn't.

As it turns out dd, now 18, lives with me full time doesn't see her dad at all (after he tried the games with her) and any joint friends that sided with him are no longer in touch with him.

I didn't spend time defending myself. I was just matter of fact. He abused me, stalked me and controlled me. I left because of that. End of.

I don't worry, anymore, about what people think of me. I can't control that.

* Several of my relatives have stopped talking to me over it. I haven’t tried to defend myself. I’ll never respect them again so it has changed how i view them, but it’s now made family dynamics very awkward and upsetting for me (which was exactly the intention!).*

^What do you expect when you don’t defend yourself?

My SiL turned lots of my family against me because I didn't like her. I was vocal about why, but was told off by everyone for being a bitch.

After 4 years I moved away, not because of her, but it helped to be away from everyone.

17 years later (!) I was proved right when my DB and her had a nasty divorce and everyone saw what I had seen. Some of my family have since apologised for the way they treated me.

I’m so sorry @FriedasCarLoad It’s so traumatic and long lasting isn’t it, and really difficult to cope with the injustice of it all.

@Skyll I’ve also refused to engage with most who are involved. May I ask how long it took for him to show his true colours to other people?

@Darkpheonix That sounds so awful. It does bring to light the fact that we actually can’t control people’s opinions of us.

@drpet49 It’s really not that simple. We are related, and her own parents and siblings for example are not going to believe me over her. Also, if I tell people the truth it’s actually a massive accusation. She’s verbally and emotionally abusive and she’s a liar. That’s a pretty serious accusation.

@Spaghettio Wow, 17 years later. How do you feel about the people who believed her over you? I find forgiveness quite hard it a situation like this.

I experienced this as part of bullying that caused me to leave my previous workplace. It was highly effective despite my stellar reputation and I am still hearing about it now and astonished by the many friends who bought into it. It even reached my new employer in milder form.

It's hard going but may strategy is also to ignore and in the case of my new employer, simply to prove myself otherwise. I'm not sorry to have lost the people that I thought were friends as for because real friends wouldn't be so awful as to buy into it.

It must feel different when it is your own family and friends, though - for me those have been a lifesaver. You have my sympathy OP but I think you are doing the right thing.

@stealingbeauty TBH she was so good at appearing innocent I don't begrudge the people who believed her.

Also 17 years is a long time to hold a grudge. Moving away was the best thing I did as it gave me distance, both geographic and metaphoric, and it meant I didn't have to deal with her.

BUT I really enjoyed saying "I told you so"! 😂

I had an affair with exes dad (BS)
One of our kids is not his-proven by a dna test he did behind my back(BS)
I had blocked him seeing his kids which left him suicidal (BS)
I lied to police about DV and got him arrested (BS police witnessed several assaults to me)

There is probably more but I'm hundreds of miles away and have blocked the main 'flying monkeys' as they're called. FB friend list has gone from 412 to 330 (last time I checked may be lower now), people really are believing his lies and I have been attacked over calls, messages and FB/whatsapp by people who genuinely think I'm scum.

I am fucking devastated that friends (some I considered family) have believed this shit about me.

I don't think it can be recovered and if I defend myself....how can I defend myself? the rot has already set into peoples minds.

It's an effective filter through which only those who are worthy of being your friends will end up choosing to be your friends. Those who decide to believe rubbish about you aren't worth keeping in your life. If it's family, it will make the relationships fail or become distant, and that's fine too. It hurts to find you can't trust people to have your back, but ultimately, it's better to know than not know.

Don't waste too much time thinking about it. The abuser is doing you a favour in sorting out your social circle, wheat from chaff. There's no need to involve yourself or defend yourself. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the trustworthiness of those who made themselves out to be trustworthy.

For me it happened in a community/school setting - I was on a volunteer committee. The female psychopath started a smear campaign of hatred and lies against me. It was devastating at the time as she got quite a few on her side (God knows how bit I suppose they were her minions) and I felt totally humiliated. No advice OP but I know something of how dreadful it can feel, I felt all hot just reading this thread. I think you have 2 choices (1) say nothing or (2) get into the ring a bit and ask people what they’ve been told as you think a smear campaign is being comducted against you. At least you have put the thought in their heads even if you don’t pursue it further. They may reflect later that you may have been in the right. They are very clever these smearers. But time passes and eventually and some healing happens and you learn from the experience perhaps. Even if it’s just that there are normal seeming people who are evil in a way.

I was accused of lying and then sent some vile abuse from the person who accused me. This person then clearly made me out to be the bad person when she made a group of mutual friends turn against me. If only they had seen the abuse she had sent me. I hadn't lied or done anything wrong. This person was also my boss and made life hell for me at work. I had to move teams after senior management stated that "I needed rescuing". No idea what she said to the mutual friends about me. It would have been more lies as I never lied about anything in the first place.

Yes.
But it was probably very smoothly done.

I work with my ex- I started a few months after we broke up. I never mention our past, I don't refer to it, and I treat him like we hardly know each other.

He is very well liked, very charming. He also is a gifted liar, incredibly manipulative and uses women to prop his ego. He previously slept with an ex student ( an adult, virgin, who was in love with him) because 'he was strssed'.
Anyhow. There are a few people at work who refuse to even say hello to me. I suspect they make things as difficult for me as possible.

One feigned innocence and invited me to the department trip he was leading. I'm not in his department. I suspect it was done to put me on the spot ( she repeated the offer even after I said no).

It's stressful. He is very very good at manipulating. I don't think he'll ever 'show his colours' at work. That only happens with people he's dating.

I'm seriously considering leaving.

Yep. I became involved with a online fandom associated with a very popular sci-fi programme. For the first couple of years it was great, I moved from the online forum to socializing with local fans...I thought I'd made some good friends.

Then I started dating my now partner, who I met through this fandom. One of the local fans took exception to it - they had briefly been involved with him a couple of years previously for a couple of months, but it had died a natural death - but they were still very possessive and didn't like the fact my partner had moved on with me.

It all got very nasty, very quick. This person did their best to turn the local group against me, by spreading all sorts of nasty rumours...and I was shocked to see so many people believe them. I learnt at that time that a lot of people will believe the first version of a story that they hear, and it's very hard, if not impossible, to change their opinion going forward.

It even got as far as this person and a few of their 'friends' setting up a fake twitter profile, pretending to be me. They then posted a lot of defamatory stuff, dragging in cast members of the programme itself. This was over 10 years ago, and what I regret most now is that I didn't take it further by reporting it to the Police etc.

Myself and my partner ended up withdrawing completely from this fandom, cutting all contact with all that were involved. Out of a group of about 30 people we were left with 2 that we still consider friends....and to be honest, if it wasn't for my partner, I would have left them behind as well.

I went to public all girl schools for the whole of my education. I experienced nowhere near the sheer ugly bullying during that time than I did when I was in my late 20s from this group, it was a real shock to me. I learnt that most of the time there is absolutely no point trying to fight this sort of thing - it's a bit like politics, you are never going to change someone's mind for them. Best thing to do is get as far away from these people as possible, and stay away....live the rest of your life like they don't even exist.

@spotcheck

Yes. But it was probably very smoothly done.

I work with my ex- I started a few months after we broke up. I never mention our past, I don't refer to it, and I treat him like we hardly know each other.

He is very well liked, very charming. He also is a gifted liar, incredibly manipulative and uses women to prop his ego. He previously slept with an ex student ( an adult, virgin, who was in love with him) because 'he was strssed'.
Anyhow. There are a few people at work who refuse to even say hello to me. I suspect they make things as difficult for me as possible.

One feigned innocence and invited me to the department trip he was leading. I'm not in his department. I suspect it was done to put me on the spot ( she repeated the offer even after I said no).

It's stressful. He is very very good at manipulating. I don't think he'll ever 'show his colours' at work. That only happens with people he's dating.

I'm seriously considering leaving.

I'm seriously considering leaving.

I really think you should. Your heart must be in your boots on your way to work and having to deal with people who've believed him without giving you the benefit of the doubt/hearing your side. It must be mentally and physically exhausting being in this situation. Hopefully you can take yourself out of it. 🌹

Yes OP and my heart goes out to you. It happened to me a year ago. An apparent friend wanted my 'position' in a community group and made up some horrible stories about me, trying to get me to leave. Many people believed them because they started rumour they had total control of the narrative. No one said much to my face so it was hard to deny the rumours. So, I decided not to retaliate. I also stood my ground, though it was hard. I turned up to every meeting and function. I was always friendly. smiling, happy and kind to everyone, even the evil woman who made up the lies - I was especially kind to her. I have lost some friends, but because I was always present - they have been the ones to drift away from the group. I am now in a much better place but this situation is one of the worst things that I have ever experienced. When it first happened I was completely shocked and disbelieving. I suffered terrible anxiety and spent a very long time down the rabbit hole going over and over what had happened. I read up a lot on 'mobbing' which is quite related to what you are going through. My advice is try not to ruminate too much, stand your ground and be kind to everyone, always turn up looking happy and like you are living your best life. Don't bother retaliating unless you know you have a good chance of being believed. It is utter shit to go through - this has been the worst year of my life but I am OK now. Get as much support as you can, one day people will get fed up with the gossipers who have caused rifts and so much unpleasantness.

It was awful for me too counting. Never heard of 'mobbing', thats interesting. I was physically cornered by a group of other women, it really was very nasty, but the central protagonist (psychopath - my introduction to the subject actually) was very manipulative, even witnessed the crocodile tears for the benefit of her boss!

It happened a long time ago and I moved away. I was quite a vulnerable person at the time (isolated single parent) and I believe my desire to do good and help whilst in that state was the reason I was targetted. There may have been some jealousy too - I was seemingly educated in a chavvy little backwater, just sayin'!

It is always jealousy @TextureWool. That is how they justify being so wicked and cruel.

Yes. Quite a few. The main one being started by my narcissistic mother & sister when I went no contact with them 4 years ago. Lost all but 1 family member in the process. Lots of things happened that could have been twisted to make me look like an utterly vile human being, when in reality I have just been staying away from people that bully me and delight in making my life unbearable.
Currently going through another as leaving narcissistic DH. He's rounded up his enablers and flying monkeys to turn the world against me. No idea what he's telling people, but I get certain looks from mutual friends now that give it away that they've heard something. He's told me I'm mentally ill and need to go to hospital, everyone thinks I'm a nutter, he is leaving me as he is not equipped to deal with my level of nuts. ( I'm leaving him and have a 4 page letter from him begging me to stay so not sure where he got that idea from ) So I imagine it will be something very imaginative about my mental health.
There is also a female psychopath in my social group that is a massive triangular and manipulator. She has definitely started a smear campaign against me, she's off her head though and constantly trips herself up with her lies so I'm hoping people will start to catch on with her sooner rather than later.
It's bloody exhausting and heartbreaking. I've been sat having a cry today actually that I'm completely bereft at having barely any family, about to be a single mum and only a very small number of people that know the real me and the truth of my situation. I would say 95% of people that know me have the wrong impression of me due to others lies.
Sorry to have hijacked your thread OP. I have no advice, no words of wisdom as my situation hasn't gotten much better over the years. I just always seem to have a smear campaign going... usually right after I've stood up for myself or set a boundary. You're not alone.

I was threatened with it. He'd message all my friends, my employers, everybody to 'destroy you' [plus a long description of what he'd say and how it would result in my becoming homeless, unemployable, my pension contributions would be taken from me as punishment, I'd be homeless and sleeping on the street by the time he was finished with me. Finished off with a 'and I'll make sure your boyfriend and his family know, too'.

Told DP and his reply was 'Oh, good. My Dad will love having all that evidence of threats, libellous statements and malicious communications to work with. He's not had a really juicy case for ages'.

Unfortunately, I think the ex did actually notice FIL's job, as nobody ever heard a single peep out of him after all. Well, apart from the RSPCA, who turned up two days later to see the extremely happy, spoiled cats and apologised profusely for somebody wasting their time.

I’m sorry for everyone’s experiences with this. It’s so hard, and unfortunately it’s a really effective form of abuse. It seems to work and have the desired effect for most - to hurt and isolate someone, and to make them look and feel bad.
I suppose sometimes the truth does come out, but there’s so much damage in the process, and these campaigns seem to drag on and on.
It’s good to have some solidarity on this thread though.