Tearful over DD

[ElvisPresleyHadABaby]

She's just sent me a picture, of her and some friends working on a project together in a cafe at University. It's hit me so hard, so suddenly.

That was the same wee thing with little curls that used to snuggle on the sofa with me when the rain started. She used to follow the words on the pages of the books I read to her and turn the page with those tiny fingers. I used to watch as she would smack her little pink lips when she slept, and nuzzle her head into the pillow. I held her hand as we crossed the road, did up her buttons, zipped up her coats.

I can't believe she's big now. A whole different person of her own, a bright, independent adult. It just doesn't seem like the same human. How did it happen so fast? I'm looking at pictures and I just can't compute that my little girl is now talking about dissertations and statistical analysis, and that they're the same person. I promise I'm not usually this wet or sentimental, has anyone had these moments? Does it pass? I just want to see her, and hold her, and play dinosaurs with her again.

I'm dreading it op, feeling it already at y6. Be proud you've grown a wonderful human who clearly has the skills to take on the next stage

I have these moments all the time at the moment - my dd has just started university too. It’s really hard. I miss her so much and feel very nostalgic for her younger years, although obviously I am excited for this next part in her life and very proud of her. It’s very hard to let them go.

The post I read before this was from a woman whose friend had just suddenly lost her little girl.

I can see where you're coming from but really, feeling sorry for yourself because your daughter is fit and well, studying and happy with friends seems crazy. It's what everyone wants for their children. Yes, it's OK to miss their past, but your daughter is fine and it must be lovely to talk to her about her new life.

Some of my dc are adults now.
They still send me things like this..
They ime never lose all the childlike qualities!!

I get moments like this about my grandchildren. One is now learning to drive but I still think of the little podgy faced toddler he was (tall and slim now). I don't get tearful, though, and as PP said I celebrate their achievements including that of my DD being a good mum when it seems like yesterday the midwife handed her to me

She sounds like a lovely girl, op. You must be very proud.

I miss the younger days too (probably through rose tinted specs though!). Running into my arms at school pick up and the madness of Christmas mornings are some of my best memories. It would be wonderful to have a time machine to revisit those times, but I have photos and videos and it's great to be able to watch them growing up, being happy and healthy and getting on with their lives.

@HollowTalk

The post I read before this was from a woman whose friend had just suddenly lost her little girl.

I can see where you're coming from but really, feeling sorry for yourself because your daughter is fit and well, studying and happy with friends seems crazy. It's what everyone wants for their children. Yes, it's OK to miss their past, but your daughter is fine and it must be lovely to talk to her about her new life.

Yes, sorry I realise how awfully self indulgent it is, and how lucky I am that she is mostly healthy and certainly happy.

It's 2 days from the anniversary of my own mum's death, and I think I'm possibly reflecting on that, and how she must've felt about me, how badly I wish we could've talked about this, to hear her tell it too. It's like I've suddenly realised what being a mother is, and everything she did for me, and how she must've agonised when I had no idea.

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby I am here contact napping with my 18 month old and sobbing 😂 I’ve done all these things today down to the wee fingers turning the page! Must remember to really enjoy play time later!

Oh OP, my little one isn’t even 2 years old and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I can’t wait to see the adult he becomes, and the newborn weeks were very difficult, but I just want time to stop too.

I get this, my “little” boys are 16 and 19, the 19 yr old lives at Uni far away, not seen him for months. He’s happy. I’m happy he’s happy.

16 yr old is very independent, gets himself around by bus/bike, in college, works as a waiter at the weekend, doesn’t “need” me any more

All good, all great. What a lot to be grateful for

But then “slipping through my fingers” is on the radio, or “the Snowman” comes on the telly and the passing of time hits me like a blow

… then it passes again

Mine is 6 and we argued this morning. Must appreciate all the seconds. It's so hard to do though. It makes everything bittersweet, all of the time. Hugs op.

So sorry about your mum, op. I can understand the sadness of wanting to talk to your mum about things you're going through yourself as a mum

On the plus side its lovely that your dd keeps you in the loop with photos etc. I often wonder how difficult it must have been for parents sending their dc off to uni or to move away before mobiles, texting, WhatsApp etc and just relying on the odd phone call . My dd sends us messages, photos, memes, links to funny videos etc daily. It's lovely to get them and know she's thinking of us.

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

I get this, my “little” boys are 16 and 19, the 19 yr old lives at Uni far away, not seen him for months. He’s happy. I’m happy he’s happy.

16 yr old is very independent, gets himself around by bus/bike, in college, works as a waiter at the weekend, doesn’t “need” me any more

All good, all great. What a lot to be grateful for

But then “slipping through my fingers” is on the radio, or “the Snowman” comes on the telly and the passing of time hits me like a blow

… then it passes again

I listened to Slipping Through My Fingers while looking at the pictures! It's crushing!

@LagneyandCasey

So sorry about your mum, op. I can understand the sadness of wanting to talk to your mum about things you're going through yourself as a mum

On the plus side its lovely that your dd keeps you in the loop with photos etc. I often wonder how difficult it must have been for parents sending their dc off to uni or to move away before mobiles, texting, WhatsApp etc and just relying on the odd phone call . My dd sends us messages, photos, memes, links to funny videos etc daily. It's lovely to get them and know she's thinking of us.

Thats exactly it, I think I've just really realised what I was to her, because it's what DD is to me. And I wish I could talk to her about that now!

I get it OP. Had a lovely chat with my DD today and can't even understand what her final year project is about! I think we should pat ourselves on the back though that they are able to go off and be happy.

To allow children to you grow, me must be willing to experience many mini-deaths and move on. Mothers have to accept the symbolic death of the little child, the death of the highly dependent relationship that went with that, and the death of their earlier mother role.

You don't have a little girl anymore. That part of your life is over. You now have a young adult daughter.

The reason why it's important to accept is because some mothers don't want to move on. They don't want the adult in front of them. Instead, they try to instigate the type of relationship or expectations they had when their child was much smaller, in order to bring that child back to life.

Some mothers start to really indulge in this, but to so would be to fulfil a selfish need that can be highly damaging and detrimental to an adult. I appreciate it's really difficult know when to be there and when to step back when children become older, but please I would urge you to make sure that you will not end up doing the emotional equivalent of shoving a baby's bonnet on your daughter's head. As an adult, it can feel like your mother doesn't really want you . She wants a past version of you who is dependent on her, a past you who wasn't fully developed, and a past you that makes her feel better about her role in life. Imagine what it's like to try to compete for affection with a child sibling who died years ago. That is what it can feel like for adult children when these kinds of feelings aren't reigned in.

To allow children to grow, we must*

I don’t think these feelings have to be reigned in as much as they need to be acknowledged, processed, and then you move on

I’ve taken up a time consuming hobby, more work, and another dog this stops me from feeling my kids are all I have in life

But yes, occasionally I feel a bit taken aback by how fast it all went. Like OP, my own mum has passed away and it can make you feel time is moving relentlessly fast in one direction…

You can stop and think and feel, without it leading to infantilising your child

I occasionally feel it, but when I do, I look at this amazing woman I have in my life, to really talk to as an equal, to go out with, to laugh and share with, to learn from, to support, and who will support me in return, and I think of all that's ahead of us still to share, and I know I wouldn't swap that to relive times I've already had.

This is a lovely thread - and heart wrenching as it reminds me time is going by with my own kids! - Thanks for sharing and hope you feel better