DH is crap at communicating

[MsWalterMitty]

If we have an issue that needs resolving, such as an argument I think it’s important to have a conversation/rebuild, but dh won’t talk about it and will just try to pretend there’s no issue and go back to normal! Particularly if he knows he is in the wrong… he thinks a hug is an apology and he will try to speak to me normally, try to be affectionate etc. But I hate it as I feel that we need to discuss the issue!

But I can’t bring it up as I get accused of trying to start another argument!

We don’t argue very often… maybe once a couple of months. But it’s infuriating that he can’t see I’m hurt and just tries to minimise/skirt around the issue instead of resolving it

Are you asking a question or just letting off steam, cos its not clear?

Have you tried to sit down and talk about it when things are good and there are no issues?

As in 'we both have different styles of conflict resolution. My style is to discuss what went wrong and how we will do things differently next time, with an apology from anyone that made a mistake. Your style is to try and put it behind us. I understand that it can be awkward to have these sorts of discussions but I am worried for our relationship if we don't. If you refuse to talk about issues, it feels to me like you don't care / have no interest in resolving them and I fear they are likely to come up again another time. When you don't apologise, or wont let me understand what I've done wrong so I can apologise, I feel like you're not sorry and I feel like I can't learn how to do better next time. What do you think we can do to communicate better after an argument? Where is the middle ground here? What can we both change?'

Thank you @DrinkFeckArseBrick It would be great to do this but I will be accused of trying to start an argument!.

@MsWalterMitty

Thank you *@DrinkFeckArseBrick* It would be great to do this but I will be accused of trying to start an argument!.

Then you guys need relationship counselling.

It's not OK for him to shut you down like that. Maybe having someone else there to mediate will create the space for him to understand it's possible to face conflict in healthy ways.

It might be worth asking him what an argument means to him, what he's afraid of happening if you argue.

I had this with my ex. We broke up due to an incident but what I see now is our communication was off from the beginning and just got entrenched.

Maybe counselling is a good way forward. Or you could attempt the love languages test to see what both your styles are. But it's hard to put this back in the box now you're acknowledging it.

I had this, still do in a way but it's my fault.

I used to do what your DH does and hated discussing everything. I wanted to hug, and Make-up and pretend it was all fine. My DP wanted all the chat, analysis, ways to improve, how to avoid it in future. The full autopsy of the situation. Drove me nuts.

Now he just wants to kiss n make up. I'm left confused and desperate to chat.

It's hard. I'm not sure where the middle ground is, but I do know that I started the problem. I agree with discussing your love languages and trying to meet half way.