If you struggled to establish breastfeeding and suspect it has had a lasting negative impact on your relationship

[Kenwoodmixup]

I think this is my experience. Do you have a similar experience?

I feel guilty because I should have bottle fed and if I had a bond would have more easily developed.

My dc1 who is now 24, seems to have so much anger toward me that is absent in their siblings. I have this grinding feeling it is because of the struggle we had establishing the feeding. It did eventually settle but there were several weeks when it was tough for us - and more so for them.

Do you have a similar experience?

I’m not sure whether this is a bizarre attempt at a wind-up (in which case I wouldn’t bite), or whether you are someone who needs help and support to process a range of things (in which case my heart goes out to you) but since I cannot be certain - my dry, middle ground response is -

No.

Your adult child’s poor rapport with you is not because of how settled his breastmilk supply process was when he was an infant.

If you think and genuinely believe this though - you should seek some help.

If this is a wind up - I hope people don’t bite.

No. Not a wind up. In the context of your comment, people do not need to share personal details. A simple yes or no would help. This is a helpful forum to ask this kind of question.

From a child perspective - myself and my youngest sister were breastfed. My middle sister wasn't at all (mum jokes she was a baby that couldn't stand to be touched so she couldn't be breastfed, she'd just scream!). Honestly my mum is closest to the middle sibling, so breastfeeding doesn't seem to have impacted this 😊

No.

Unless you have some sort of massive backstory where your BF troubles kickstarted long lasting mental health issues, which caused YOU to reject your baby?

But I think you're asking whether BF troubles can cause your newborn to permanently resent you.....No.

No

No. I was mainly bottlefed, one sibling a mix, one EBF we are all late twenties and all have good relationships with our mum

My children are a similar age. I struggled breastfeeding my daughter, and eventually gave up after lots of stress. My son just latched on straight away and there was no issue. I get on with them both just fine.

Do you think it's you that had trouble forming a bond, or him?

@MrzClaus and @Alfixn. Thank you both for responding and being reassuring. Thankfully no horrendous back story. Lots of instances where I’ve been a twit: less than some, more than others but nothing I wouldn’t own up to.

Nope. One breast fed and one bottle fed DC and I get on fine with both. As fine as you can get on with teenagers anyway

I think struggles with breast feeding can affect your bond, yes.

No not entirely but I really struggled with breastfeeding my first child to the point that I ended up with PND (felt guilty and shamed and depressed that I couldn’t do it right) which did have an impact on how I bonded with my daughter.

The reason I link this to breastfeeding is because I firmly now think if relatives etc had left me alone and not pressured me so much to breast feed I would have not got into such a state about it and ended up depressed and resentful of my child.

She is 3 now. I love her and we have a close relationship, but whenever things get hard it always crosses my mind that she isn’t well bonded with me because I let breastfeeding ruin her early months.

I’m sure it’s in my head but I question it all the time.

@ravenmum I would say well bonded but I have got it wrong - some how, unintentionally.

@Rhioplepog - thank you for sharing. And this is the feeling that I have. Hopefully the responses above can be a reassurance for you. If so, I’m glad I asked the question.

It is amazing the amount of guilt we can feel for not being able to breastfeed "properly", isn't it? In my case it helped that after all the bother with my daughter, trying to get the right position, blah blah, when my son was born, he just did it first time, as if he knew how. I hadn't learned any better technique or read up on it in between - same mum, same method, different effect ... so it wasn't my fault.

I was in a few days with my son, next to a first-time mother whose baby wouldn't bf - lots of bother and she had a cough that hurt her caesarean, she was stressed out. At one point, when everyone was out of the room, I just said to her that it didn't make any difference if she breastfed or bottle fed - she looked so relieved!

And our children are affected by how we treat them sure, but they also have their own character, mind and set of experiences that we don't control. It's not all about us.

@lastqueenofscotland - thank you for responding. My worry is because bf was a struggle and I should have bottle fed.

And @FestiveMayo - simple but powerful statement.

Please be assured I’m not complacent nor live in a fool’s paradise of this has ought to do with me. I just needed to ask the question. Thank you for your responses all.

@ravenmum - you are so kind. Thank you. Dc1 is just lovely. Just needs me to stay to stay out of their way.

@SockFluffInTheBath - thanks!

@MumUndone - bf is encouraged because of the bond it promotes. So not unreasonable to suspect a struggle can adversely affect the bond.

Hmmm maybe your untreated depression caused by difficulty breastfeeding caused the issues?

Perhaps you are generally prone to depression, and your feelings of guilt now are also part of that picture?

I have absolutely no idea whether I was bottle or breast fed by my Mum, but I get on just fine with her. I really don't see how you feed your baby can have an impact on your relationship with them. That just seems like such a bizarre concept.

No.

It's not so much how you feed them, is it, as the effect that has on you and the baby at a time in your lives that will stick with you forever. My daughter is almost 24 and I can still vividly remember sitting in the kitchen with my first baby, trying to feed her and feeling frustrated - and her bright red and screaming - all gums.

It's a time when everyone expects you to be all happy (for some reason!), enjoying those amazing early days, full of boundless love - and you are pissed off with your baby and don't feel a bond.
I was lucky that that ended basically as soon as my daughter started to smile - that really did it for me - but many people struggle to feel love for their baby at first, and that makes you feel absolutely horrible.

If that goes on a couple of years due to depression, I can see how you might feel you were doing lasting damage. (But I don't think it is that simple personally.)

Does that make it feel less bizarre, in those terms?

It depends. Did you keep on struggling on with breast feeding? Did you develop pnd which had an impact on your parenting?

Nope
My poor DS was almost starved for a few weeks and cried non stop because of my determination to breastfeed against all evidence. It has not negatively impacted our relationship.