Why does this hurt. So confused

[BringTeaAndCake]

Me and DH separated in June. We're still living together due to circumstances but there is no romantic connection anymore.
It was my decision to separate, our marriage has been a series of fuck ups and I decided I don't want to go through any more.
H was devastated when I told him it was over but after the first couple of weeks, things have actually been good. We get on, there's no awkwardness, no arguments.
He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was speaking to an old female friend on Facebook. I encouraged him to pursue it and not hold back because of me, we are over.
He took her out for a drink last night and they kissed.
I feel so upset and I can't explain why. I don't love him, I don't fancy him, it hasn't made me change my mind.
I'm so confused. I've spent the day crying on and off. I don't even know what I'm asking here, maybe, is this normal to feel like this? We were together for almost 20 years.

Maybe because you are grieving because you can remember what first attracted you to him and this lady is now seeing that side of him.

It's normal. Your sort of grieving what could have been.

It's still a big change for you and it's still not business as usual because it's not been long at all.

Are you still living together?

Hope you feel better and know that it will pass, this feeling.

I left my ex h and I felt similar but I didn't want him back.

I know it's a cliche but new doors open when old ones close or something like that. Xx

What are you doing to take your mind off it?

I know how you feel and I think it's very common. After 20yrs you can't just turn off the feelings like a tap.

While you are living together, you're kind of insulated from the reality of the split, because a lot of things have carried on as they were before.

Now suddenly there's this huge change and it's time to face reality head on. You're grieving the end of your marriage. It was the right thing to end it - but that doesn't mean it won't hurt, or doesn't need to be mourned.

This will pass. Can you do something to get you out of the house more? (not dating! That way madness lies!) Tell your ex you're glad it's going well but you really don't want to hear about it.

The healing will really begin when you physically separate. How far away is that?

That’s totally normal isn’t it?

You were together 20 years. You don’t just suddenly not feel any emotions overnight.

You’re coming to terms with the relationship being over and this huge change in your life. Of course it’s going to be emotional.

You’re now experiencing the tangible change, not just the emotional or theoretical ones.

Take it for what it is - a process. Accept that sometimes you’re going to feel amazing and other times you’re going to feel like dog shit.
No point fighting it, accept the feelings, have a cry or whatever is needed, then dry your eyes and remember tomorrow is a new day

The best scenario would be,you talk to him about your tears and he doesnt push you away and you both share the sadness.because 20 years is a long time.it is understandable you are sad.if you are both able to acknowledge the sadness,you are both much better equipped to move on with a new partner.

@Ohpulltheotherone.very wise words indeed

Thank you for being kind.
I just didn't think I'd feel this way. I knew they were going out, I knew they'd been speaking, I assumed they would kiss at the end of the date and I was fine with all of it.
I do get out of the house often, I spend lots of time with friends and my family have been so supportive. I have good people around me. This just hit me like a brick.
I very fleetingly considered joining a dating site this morning but I absolutely know I'm not ready for that yet.
Thanks for making me feel normal, it's just the weirdest feeling.

Its very hard for you. You are seeing and hearing about things that no one should have to. Usually people are insulated from partners moving on because they're not sharing their day to day and party to everything the other gets up to. In your shoes I'd try to avoid too many details. Ok, you can know if he's seeing someone, but its not really necessary for him to tell you when they kiss and so on. Its tmi and of course its going to hurt, as it would the other way round I'm sure.

He was "yours" for so long. Even though it's over, of course it will hit you hard. X