Adult brother staying with us

[Sj17]

So my younger (baby )brother was about to lost in a bad friend circle. I tried to be a responsible sister and asked him / helped him to concentrate on his career and he came to uk from abroad for higher study. He finished his MSc staying with us( we are young family with 2kids). It was not a good experience for me dealing with an adult child at home. He doesnt communicate/ respectful to me. So after his study he went back and got married. Now he is pursuing his phd, and moved with us again since april without his wife. He is getting scholarship every month and I am really stressed, and cant wait to kick him out. Asked my mum to help me to have a conversation with my brother to leave my home. And its not my responsibility. Surprisingly my mum said she will not talk about it to her son. I am planning to talk to him directly though we dont talk at all..... how to say / phraise it. Avoiding any arguments or being rude... need your advice...

So although you’re doing him a big favour, he doesn’t bother to be appreciative or respectful to you?
I’d talk to your DH and then give him notice to leave asap. He’s using you and you need to stand up for yourself.

Why on earth did you let him move back in for a second time? You need to be strong and tell him to leave but I'm guessing you do not like any confrontation.

Why do you need your mum to tell him for you?
"Bro - I've put you up for long enough, it's time to find your own place"

Give him a moving-out date, & mean it.
It's your house, not your mum's.

You are just scared that your brother will ignore you, so are hoping your mum can do it for you.
Use this an an opportunity to assert yourself.

How badly disrespectful is he? Do you think he will refuse to move out? Are you aware that the police will help you remove him if he gets unpleasant about vacating your property?

Did you spell out your expectations? Has he moved in thinking he is still a baby brother?
When my adult dc are here all the adults take turns with the evening meal cooking etc
.
He needs telling bluntly pitch in or fuck off.

You need to tell him to leave. No excuse or explanations. If he refuses to speak to you , that is his problem

Is he paying towards bills and food?

You don't have to house him. You absolutely have a choice in this. What makes you think you don't?

As you obviously don’t want to just tell him to get out ( though you can, you’ve been more than generous!)
You could say the kids need more space? Are they room sharing? Does your ill mother need to come and stay? Are you struggling financially and need a paying lodger? Is it affecting your relationship with your husband? Would your DH take one for the team and take bro to one side and say it’s time you moved out and gave us back our spare room.? If your brother is rude and doesn’t respect you what does your dh think to that? Does he respect him? He’s not going to be thrilled whatever you say, I would just pick a reason and stick to your guns , get him out he sound horrible and you don’t have to put up with him any longer.

Why should it be your mum's responsibility? You opened your home to him! Its not her mess to clean up. Just say 'Bro, this is not working out for our family any more. We struggle with space and I don't feel respected. I'll give you until xxx to find somewhere else. Please move out by that date.' Make sure your DH is on board and you're both prepared to carry his things out of the door by that date. Stop being a doormat.

Is there a cultural/religious background to his attitude towards you, rather than say, him being French or Australian?

If he is doing a PhD he could be with you for years! I wouldn't bother with loads of reasons for telling him to leave as some people have suggested - I would just sit him down with your husband present and both of you tell him this is not working out and you need him to leave by X date. If he has a scholarship for his PhD (and is possibly also tutoring/lecturing?) then he will have to pay his own way in a house share somewhere.

Your mum won't do anything because if you make him move out, it will suddenly become her problem...

Persuade your DH to have a firm word with him, and tell him that he has to go.

Think about why you allowed him to move in with you the first time and why you agreed the second time.

What is it about your family dynamic that made it seem that you had to say yes?

Then think about who you are as wife and mother. Does that woman recognise the daughter/sister who finds herself in this predicament?

There's nothing wrong with talking with your DH and working out how best you can get your brother packed up and out if the door.

Sounds as though he too would appreciate getting his home, wife and family life back.

Good luck working through it

Why would your mom sort it out, it's your house so you need to get rid of him if you don't want him there.

Just kick him out! Is he paying you? If so, he can pay rent elsewhere.