My boyfriend hardly ever texts or calls first

[Collection33]

Hello Mumsnet
Not sure if I'm overthinking this. I had a boyfriend who's brilliant. Haven't been together long (4 months) but he's kind, considerate, generous, always up for meeting up, we chat on the phone for ages, loads of compliments... normally one of us texts some kind of good morning message & we chat most days but since this time last week I've noticed it's nearly always me who messages first/always me who instigates the chats. Sometimes we talk for hours, we make plans for the future, we have this great connection.
Are some men just crap at texting/calling or should I be thinking that perhaps he's losing interest? I spent today feeling anxious about everything then I called him & it was completely cool & we had a lovely conversation.
I have been single for years & don't know how things are supposed to work anymore!!!!!

Men are human beings. They're no more crap at texting or calling (or housework or childcare or remembering where they left their keys) than women are. If he's not getting in touch its because he doesn't want to. It's early days, my guess is he's either fading you out because he's decided he's not that into you, or he's doing the minimum necessary to keep you hanging around while he tests out another relationship with someone else and if that one fails he'll come running back to you. Don't give him the chance. Mention what you've noticed and see his response, both in words and actions. If matters don't improve, walk away. Whatever his reasons (could just be plain lazyness) you're not happy with the situation therefore you shouldn't be putting up with it and no, you're not expecting too much.

Some people don't have the need to text each other every day, let alone early in the day, no. Many of us don't.

See how long it takes for hi to message you.

Try not to text or call and see what happens.
If he calls and texts great. If he notices that you did not contact as per usual, then plus points!
If he does not bother, or leaves it for long time, then he is fading away or almost gone.
Do not make the mistake of relying on him. You need other people and other things to do in your life. Sitting around waiting for a phone call is a bad sign. You should keep yourself entertained and busy. Otherwise you add more fuel to the problem. Do something you love, pamper yourself, visit friends and family...

Another MNetter recommended a book on a different thread - Why men love bitches - great advice that could help. It doesn't mean 'bitch' in a bad way but rather a woman with standards who lives by them.

Some baffling replies.

Typically men don't chat on phone for hours to their mates. Woman may though.
Typically men can go days without talking and then pick up where they left off. etc etc..
Men and woman typical behaviour is different.

My guess is this is very "normal" and most blokes are not great at texting. By all means mention he could show some initiative and text first sometimes, but it is NOT a deal breaker.

Don't play games and stop messaging and see what he does. Thats childish. Maybe he is busy. Maybe he working, Maybe he has extended family issues to deal with. etc etc.

Focus on the fact that when you DO get him on phone you chat away great. That's the most important thing. Not a competition who text first 4 days out of 7.

I think some previous posts are a bit harsh: off the mark. He is clearly into you! I would try and relax a bit and enjoy getting to know each other. He probably doesn’t contact you as he knows you will contact him. If you are keen and happy with the amount of contact there is no need to play games like not messaging him etc, just go with the flow and enjoy doing things on your own that you did before you knew he existed! Stay busy.

I would want more equal effort, simply don't always be the one to contact first, if he's into you then he's not going anywhere and he'll message you, if he's losing interest then there's nothing much you can do anyway, see how it goes for another week without you always making the first move.

Everyone is different. Some people like messaging, others not so much.

Thanks for the replies!
I don't want to 'wait to see how long it takes him to text me' - that seems like a bit of a game, but I probably do need to relax a bit. Perhaps I should have mentioned I've been in an abusive relationship before - haven't dealt with the trauma very well & have this fear of being treated badly/fear of being abandoned that goes back to childhood.
Up until now things have been incredibly good. I have felt v happy - After I posted, he did call & we chatted for over an hour. He says the loveliest stuff & I want to believe him, I really do - my self esteem isn't the best so I struggle to believe he wants to be with me.

These threads always worry me. I'm single and would love to find someone new, but who expects texts during the day?

I work, like most people. When at work I'm flat out, and concentrating. I definitely don't have time to text or call. Lunchtime is for food shopping & life admin.

Your dp sounds nice, maybe he's just busy.

I wouldn't message him let him come to you.
I've been seeing someone for a couple of months and I've not heard from him for 2 weeks now 😳.
I'm certainly not contacting him anymore after my last 2 texts have gone unanswered.
Let him come to you op and if you are single when he reaches out and you want to meet up then good of not it's his loss.

Some people (eg me) don't feel the need for loads of contact and don't often instigate it. I'm more than happy to reply if someone does but I don't feel a connection through texting.

It's a person thing. Not a man/woman thing.

I have been single for years & don't know how things are supposed to work anymore

Who do you think sets the guidelines for how things are supposed to work in your relationship with him? What if you both were happy (i know you're not, but as an example) with only making contact once a fortnight? Do you think that would fit in with what's supposed to happen, or should you both make an effort to contact each other more, even though it's not really what you want to do, because that's what you're supposed to do?

I wouldn't pin it on him being a man. I'm a woman and often wonder why I have a phone as I barely use it unless someone contacts me or it's an emergency. I'd rather talk to people face to face than through a phone. I've never understood the people who feel they have to stay in constant contact throughout the days. Look at how he treats you when you're together, that's the sign of a good partner, not his ability to text and call.

@peboh maybe you're in the minority, most people early in a relationship contact daily especially if you don't live near each other to see them face to face, not saying constant contact is normal either but most reach out at least once a day.
Interesting though that your relationship flourished with only them contacting you or emergency contact.
Or maybe you've not had a modern day new relationship.

@Collection33 it's not game playing to let it be his turn to contact you.
It's seems you are just over thinking, he did contact you so that's great.

not saying constant contact is normal either but most reach out at least once a day

Why is what 'most' people are doing relevant? Is OP supposed to base her relationship on fitting in with the behaviours of others? People she doesn't know and never will?

Because foundations she doesn't seem to have a clue and the thread is attracting people that never contact people.

I certainly didn't message DP daily when we first started dating. I only ever message when I have something substantial to say, never just for the sake of it. We worked out OK. I don't think there is a "normal" level of messaging but you should be able to communicate whether a partner is texting too much or too little and to find a balance that works for you both.

Also fairly normal for messaging volume to drop off over time! After a few months you're more settled, you don't feel as much need to remind the other person you exist all the time.

@samesign

Because foundations she doesn't seem to have a clue and the thread is attracting people that never contact people.

Have a clue about what? The only thing OP needs to have a clue about is how often she wants to make contact, and if that's compatible with how often he wants to make contact.

Why does it matter what anybody else is doing, on the thread or otherwise? Is OP supposed to be doing 'what's normal', or 'what she, specifically, wants'?

@TheFoundations I can comment and give my opinions on whatever I like, this forum isn't just for you to reply to!

@Collection33 my ex started doing this. I didn’t really know why.
I then noticed him pointing it out if I didn’t message him first. Then what happened was him mimicking my day. So if I said I’d been busy (which I had) his reason was he was then ‘busy’ which of course maybe he was..but he’d say ‘you’re allowed to be busy so what aren’t I?! Even though I never argued it! Let’s just say it became very tiresome and game playing. He started ignoring me by sulking..he’s still ignoring me.
Just watch out for things that don’t feel quite right

[quote samesign]@TheFoundations I can comment and give my opinions on whatever I like, this forum isn't just for you to reply to! [/quote]
We are all allowed to comment and give our opinions on whatever we like. We are allowed to ask questions of each other's posts. Not sure why you think I think the forum is just for me, or why you're taking questions about your posts as a need to defend your right to speak. Your self defense isn't much to do with OP's thread.

OP, my point was that normal doesn't matter. You and your bloke might both have very unusual needs/wants. It's whether or not they match that's important, not whether other people are doing the same.

Sorry for the derail.

Sorry for the derail. Lol yes best leave it there

I've been with guys like this in the past and I didn't like it, I always felt like I was the one putting in the effort. With my current boyfriend things are much more equal. One of us always checks in through the day to see how the other is getting on and since the beginning it's always been pretty much split down the middle in regards to who is instigating contact. And I know to some people texting doesn't matter but I think the fact that he regularly contacts me has gone a long way to making me feel secure in the relationship. We've been together nearly two years so now I don't even think about the texting aspect but looking back on it all, the worries I had with other guys haven't been present in this relationship.