Male best friend avoids me. Teach me how to move on

[Sillysadslippers]

Hi everyone,

My male best friend had an emotional breakdown a last month. He blocked me, refuses to acknowledge my existence and crosses the road to avoid me every day when I see him on the way to work.

I’m so hurt by his behaviour and I have cried plenty but today I’ve realised I just need to process it all and move on.

How do I do it?

I have no idea what happened. He said he doesn’t deserve me and ghosted me. It’s such bullshit because I absolutely adore him (as do everyone we know!) but he’s quite stubborn and I know him well enough to know that he won’t unblock me anytime soon.

I see him everyday as we live nearby. But he avoids me at all costs. When this happens I feel anxiety rise within me and I’m beginning to struggle with panic / stress / anxiety knowing I’ll see him & knowing he despises me. I take propranolol anyway but it doesn’t touch the bad palpitations I feel.

Please help me move on! I’m desperate

We’re both happily married to other people. His marriage is a little less happy than mine.

He has feelings for you and his wife is livid? A strong possibility.

I don’t think he has feelings for me but I guess I’ll never know now…

His wife is still friendly with me when we see each other. So the issue is just him

Maybe he is choosing to remove himself from the situation, which is smart, albeit no less painful for you.

When this happens I feel anxiety rise within me and I’m beginning to struggle with panic / stress / anxiety knowing I’ll see him & knowing he despises me. I take propranolol anyway but it doesn’t touch the bad palpitations I feel.

You need to see your doctor and agree a plan to sort out your issues, both medical and emotional.

It’s cold shouldering. It’s abusive behaviour. It’s not friendship is it? You need to stop this cycle. He’s got you running around, crying, anxiety. It’s not on and it’s emotional abuse. Find a good therapist, pick up new hobbies and new friends and let him stay gone. Don’t be dragged back. He’s using you as an emotional punch bag. It’s disgusting behaviour and has to stop

Have you spoken to your dh about it? Do you both usually see your friend as a couple often too? I would try to place less importance on it and focus on your marriage / other friends as it sounds a slightly unhealthy level of upset . It might just be me but I wouldn’t be that thrilled if a female friend minded not seeing my dh that much

Ps I am really sorry though as anxiety can be crippling and really hard so I am sure the advice to mention it to gp could be worthwhile too and hope you’re ok

This is an extreme reaction op. It is natural to feel hurt and wonder what's happened but the level that you're experiencing it may be something else.

Thank you @nocnoc that’s exactly the type of thing I needed to read!

I do have a panic disorder (which he knows about) and a very traumatic experience last year left me with a very low tolerance for stressful situations. I am on meds and I have had therapy. I was doing great until he ghosted me.

What a prick!

I have decided to get back into running and hopefully the good chemicals will crush the panic.

@Sillysadslippers

Thank you *@nocnoc* that’s exactly the type of thing I needed to read!

I do have a panic disorder (which he knows about) and a very traumatic experience last year left me with a very low tolerance for stressful situations. I am on meds and I have had therapy. I was doing great until he ghosted me.

What a prick!

I have decided to get back into running and hopefully the good chemicals will crush the panic.

Exercise is always good! It's amazing how it can help put things in perspective and energise us. Running is good but can be a bit arduous at this time of year.

Try Growingannanas HIIT - Anna is both challenging and encouraging :

Remember this. He’s a prick. Do not get hoovered back in. I’m guessing he’s a narc and this is part of the discard cycle. Google and educate yourself so you can protect against it. Does he do this to other friends too? How many of you are putting up with this?

Thank you for the link @FlowerArranger - this looks amazing!

@Sakurami yes it is extreme isn’t it! Goodness knows what has happened to me. It’s pathetic!!

My DH is aware of what’s happened and keeps saying “it’ll be ok. He just needs time”

Off to read up about narcissistic behaviour…

How could I be so naive? I’m 34!

It sounds too intense a friendship to be healthy.

Most friends would be able to mask slight exasperation or ask for space or just say "going to take a break for a while".

The cold shouldering or the silent treatment is a narcissist's tool.

I would not fall down a rabbit hole researching narcissism. That is a black hole with no end.

Instead, focus on what you find acceptable in a friendship. Focus on that

"I don't deserve you" is a very passive aggresive thing to say- almost inviting you to try to prove the contrary, how wonderful you think he is, and how much you want him in your life, so that he can continue to reject you.

Well @nocnoc - I googled that and I’m absolutely floored by the accuracy and how it mirrors his behaviour! can’t believe I fell for it!

Reading this drains away the hurt. It’s like a release!

And his poor wife. Dealing with it. I’ll offer her support just in case - can’t be nice living with him! I’ll just say “Always here if you need support or someone to talk to. Life is hard at the moment” or something equally bright, breezy and supportive.

Thanks everyone for all your help

The way he''s made you feel, is that what you deserve in return for being his friend?

Why is it causing you so much distress? Are you not closer to your husband??

@ArdeaCinerea oh no, I fell for that too!!

he probably thinks I’m an idiot….

Horrible situation for you. He may be going through some sort of hell with his mental health, but his behaviour has indicated to you that you’re no longer friends. Easier said than done I know, but I’d ignore him and try to get over the feeling of needing him in any way.

Omg, 🤦‍♀️ please dont be so codependent as to "offer support to his wife". Reading that I can see that he will know how much the silent treatment hurts and confuses you.

He is not yr responsibility. She is not yr responsibility. Instead of trying to figure him out or support her, detach from giving a shit. Detach from having a reaction to his silent treatment.

Leave them to it. How's your marriage?.

If he says he doesn’t deserve you, reply that he’s correct, he doesn’t and that you deserve friends who are nice to you.

Do you think there's any chance you're too involved here?

You’re going to want to read up about hoovering technique and “grey rock” for when he comes back. Which he will because narcs needs supply like the rest of us need oxygen. Right now, you are his supply. He’s got an absolute boner on everytime he sees your sad face in the street and crosses to get away from you. Next time it would be ideal if you see him to be smiling and laughing happily on your phone and don’t even look at him. Fake call if you need to. In future, in his presence you are too busy, happy, he is a stranger. He will then want back in. You then need to grey rock him or the classic “sorry I don’t have your number stored. Who is this?” to everyone message. Height engineer an emergency that only you can help with. My narc friend turned up sobbing hysterically on my doorstep. So be prepared and be strong/firm. He has a wife. He is a narc. He is no longer your friend.

Thanks again @nocnoc for your insight! I’ll read up on this.

I have just spoken with DH and we’ve decided to walk together to spend more time together on the way to work (he usually leaves a little after me). And so, from tomorrow - I’ll be with my lovely DH having a giggle when I bump into ex friend.

DH is really excited to walk together and I’m looking forward to it too! I think this will help

Someone upthread asked about my marriage? It’s great thanks. Although sometimes stresses of working long hours gets in the way - hence why we’ll be commuting / walking together from now on!

I’ll leave the wife alone.

Right, off to cook dinner and read up on what nocnoc suggested. I’ll leave the thread here.

Thanks again everyone!