Finally caught up properly ... only took me two hours this time
StayingQuiet, I can relate to your attempt as an adult to put the past aside and enjoy a good relatinship with your mother. For me, my mother wasn't on drugs, but it was as soon as she stopped having a relationship with a man that she suddenly wanted to be my "best friend" and I spent most of my adult years denying the past had been that bad and being very close to my mother. I buried the feelings with sex and alcohol and like you, the past did catch up with me. I found that it was impossible to make changes within myself (as people have described, standing up for myself, not letting myself be abused, choosing healthy relationships) without re-examining the past. I became aware of how much my mother reverted to type whenever we were together as a family (and how much she cowtowed to my brothers - and yes, their girlfriends) at my expense. And finally, it was an attempt at a family get together and my feelings that DS1 was being marginalinised in the family to bring to the fore the realisation that my mother has spent her whole life doing what was best for her, and that even her strong and close relationship with me was a self-serving one on her part.
I would agree with what others have said - read "Toxic parents", seek therapy, and then have "that" conversation with your mother. I personally don't think balancing your needs against hers is ever going to have a positive outcome for you unless you are willing, as Sakura says, to choose you first. As TMSB says, we have all been raised to believe in the myth of our own selfishness, when in fact we have been anything but and the balance needs now to be redressed by putting yourself first.
OneplusOne - I agree entirely with the second half of your first post of 2nd Jan. Although my mother, unlike yours, did bond with me, I also have realised with sudden clarity in the last 18 months that she has never loved me in the way that I love my dc, because if she had she would not have had empathy for me when I was hurt or upset and she would not have been able to stand by and watch me being abused by her partner on a daily basis. And most importantly, she would want and need to say sorry now instead of continuing to defend her actions. So, yes, it is a big thing to realise that you never had that love but in fact, after having gone through the pain - and I really did, I remember ringing my counsellor in tears the day she "cut me out of her life" with feelings of overwhelming abandonment, I felt like a 5 year old who really had been abandoned - I then started to find it liberating to acknowledge and accept that, because it has freed me up to stop trying to make her love me and I have turned that love back onto myself. It's as if the game was up, I had seen everything as it really was, no more lies to myself or pretending that she was such a great mum and "best friend" - it was all a lie, which, now I no longer have to keep it up, has freed me. If that makes any sense.
Like you I can at the same time empathise with my mother because her own childhood needs were not met, but that does not mean that I should accept that she failed me. I agree with "the gift of insight" idea, but I also believe we make choices and that most of our parents, as Smithfield says, did what was best for them, not what was best for us, their dc.
My mother was, like yours, not overtly abusive, and I do think with your mother that she was probably emotionally in a different place when you were born to where she was when your younger siblings came along. That is definitely the case with my mother, and I think for many of us on this thread, we have found that our mothers have become better/more loving parents each time as they have gone on to have more dc. Of course it is not about you and how loveable you were/are. But that is the natural reponses of an unloved child, as we have said before on this thread, it is how a child makes sense of what is happening to them, ie it is much safer to belive that you were intrinsically faulty and unloveable than that your mother was just self-centred and incapable of loving you because your early experiences in your family are representative of the big outside world and that would make the world a very scary place indeed. Much easier and safer to make yourself the one at fault. Btw my mother said recently to my SIL (well about 2 years ago) that every time her child reached the age of around 18 months she wanted another one. I thought that was quite telling, especially as she has also admitted that she has only ever been able to have a physical relationship with babies. It's almost as if, once a child starts to show signs of being an independent, thinking person separate from her, she doesn't want them any more and wants another dependent being to wrap herself up in emtionally.
Sakura, I like the "re-learning" idea. danae is the scientist, so will defer to her, but I think what you say is true, as with DS1 part of his therapy is retraining his nerves and muscles to do what they are supposed to by repetition of the process. I used to do 3 hours a day of physio with him at one stage which involved moving his limbs for him and thus making the neural conncetions. I have read ("Emotional Intelligence"?) similar. So for you about the nasty comments and abuse you got as a child. This is what my stepdad was like on a daily basis. I would walk into a room and if I said nothing it would be "what's the matter with you, cat got your tongue?" and if I spoke it would be "Who pulled your chain?" If I asked a question I was a "stickybeak" (ie nosy). I became so nervous in his presence that I would drop/break things and then I was a "clumsy cow". He used to mimic things I said and my facial expressions - always insultingly.
Dillinger, my mother always panders to my brothers and even my sister comes before me. I am glad you have your DP to give you a reality check. I too felt like the unwanted child, my emotions were always derided, I was always over-sensitive or irrational, etc etc. It is a horrible feeling I know to constantly have your emotions diminished and invalidated. But I think so long as you keep trying to get your needs met by people who are unable or unwilling to do so you are simply perpetuating the cycle. I do thik you need to accept that this is a situation that is not going to change and look instead to "normal" people like your DP for the respect that you so rightly deserve.
DC need attention - will be back as I haven't finished!!