Mix up with shoes?

[wndrw59]

Would like to know thoughts on this.

Several years ago one morning my teenage daughter asked me if I'd seen her flat black shoes that she wore to school. They were the generic type of ballet pumps that everyone wore back then. She usually left them in the hallway where family shoes were left and sometimes she'd put them in the bottom of her wardrobe. Couldn't find them anywhere. Had everything out and simply couldn't find them. A few weeks passed and one day I found the shoes in the bottom of her wardrobe under other shoes, trainers, bags.

It was the weirdest thing. Nobody in the family knew anything about it. Daughter was as perplexed as I was.

Much later after this incident I discovered that my now ex husband has been unfaithful to me. He hasn't admitted to as far back as the year in question, but I am now convinced the missing shoes and his 'activities' are linked. Which would mean that he was being unfaithful for years (which he wouldn't want to admit to I guess).

Is this me over-thinking? I just have a feeling that somehow the wrong shoes were picked up in a rush by someone perhaps who was at the house when someone returned home unexpectedly early? I've asked him and he says he genuinely has no idea about where the shoes went.

I remember at the time it happened he made a joke about us having a poltergeist.

The only problem with my hypothesis is that if the wrong shoes were taken, then there would have been another pair of shoes in the house instead. Also, you'd notice immediately if you had put someone else's shoes on!

I don't know OP. Teens are quite good at forgetting, could someone not have tidied up and put the shoes away?

I do know the feeling of wanting to know everything about infidelity, but I am of the thinking that your ex is never going to admit to want to are wanting to know.

I think you are quite rightly hurt and your mind is making unhelpful connections.
I completely get it, I do the same but it's immensely unhelpful to your overall well being.
Things like your shoe mystery occur all the time. If it wasn't for this awful thing that's happened to you I'm sure you wouldn't think much of it.
It's far more likely DD was plotting for a new pair of shoes.
My advice would be to keep your wonderings to yourself. find something that works for you for self care and your mind won't try and trip you up again x

I think that your daughter misplaced her shoes.

You’d have 100% seen the other woman’s shoes if she has worn your daughters instead. I don’t think this is what happened.

I reckon he mistook your dds shoes for the ow shoes and hid them

@pastypirate

I reckon he mistook your dds shoes for the ow shoes and hid them

This is one option I thought maybe if she had to leave in a hurry then later texted him about her shoes, he picked up the wrong pair to hide. But then her own shoes would've been there still and someone would have noticed? Even though there were always several pairs of shoes, surely they would have been noticed? I had a very stressful job at the time so maybe I wouldn't have noticed. Also unlikely she would have left barefoot but perhaps she had a gym bag with her with trainers in.

By the way, my daughter would not have lied about her shoes. She had no reason to. She was genuinely as baffled as I was when they went missing and when they reappeared.

This happens after someone is unfaithful . It causes you to question things that happened before . If he is your ex now then I would say try to not entertain these thoughts in your head . I don't know how long it is since you divorced but I would chalk it up to the "what a lying cheating c*nt he was " and not dwell on it .

This is what happened. OW was in the house when you arrived home unexpectedly. OW made a quick exit out the back, grabbing all her stuff, but couldn't get to her shoes. Maybe OW was hidden out the back when you came in and when he grabbed what he thought was her shoes he gave her the wrong ones but they couldn't do anything about that as you were nearby. So they agreed that she would do a runner when the coast was clear and return the shoes later and they'd figure out a story to tell, or maybe just that he would place the shoes in a place where DD might have left them.

I think that the overarching problem is the issue here. No need to focus on specifics like shoes. That will always remain a mystery. The only other option is that you sit and have a chat one day, and he says 'Oh, that's right! I remember now! I thought Jackie had left them when she ran out in a hurry, half dressed, so I hid them from you.' It's not going to happen, is it.

Forget the shoes, and focus on the fact that you are looking for evidence of his cheating, years on. What does this mean regarding your marriage? How do you want this to play out? Do you want to try to trust him? Do you think you can/should stay with him if you can't?

Thinking about the shoes is like playing 'Where's Wally?' It's a distraction. You have bigger fish to fry.

@TheFoundations

I think that the overarching problem is the issue here. No need to focus on specifics like shoes. That will always remain a mystery. The only other option is that you sit and have a chat one day, and he says 'Oh, that's right! I remember now! I thought Jackie had left them when she ran out in a hurry, half dressed, so I hid them from you.' It's not going to happen, is it.

Forget the shoes, and focus on the fact that you are looking for evidence of his cheating, years on. What does this mean regarding your marriage? How do you want this to play out? Do you want to try to trust him? Do you think you can/should stay with him if you can't?

Thinking about the shoes is like playing 'Where's Wally?' It's a distraction. You have bigger fish to fry.

She says he is her ex.

@IamGusFring

Ooh! I'd missed that! My point still stands though, but in relation to OP's relationship with herself. Why focus on the shoes now? Nobody will ever know the answer. The real issue is what's behind continuing to worry about it. That's the big fish.

I appreciate the advice about letting it go and all. The issue I have is that I am 99% certain he has told me an edited version. Although the version he has told me is shocking, the longer I've been apart from him the more clearly I can think. I am convinced now this isn't me overthinking and that actually I think lots and lots has happened throughout our entire marriage.
Why is this a problem people will say. You're well rid of him. Except.. I'm not totally. There are things which mean we have to communicate and there is no getting around this. He is playing the victim card to my face so G-d only knows what is going on behind my back. His behaviour is still continuing to negatively impact mine and my children's lives. If he could just be man enough to tell me the truth, maybe we (including him) could move on properly.
I've asked him outright about this shoes thing and other incidents and he says he can't remember.

You probably just missed them when you were looking for them back then. I was trying to find tickets to an event I was going to last week, i always put them in the same cupboard, searched it at least 10 times no sign of them, my husband takes one look and finds them, it happens sometimes, I think you're massively over thinking this (I can see why you're driving yourself crazy given your situation though)

I've asked him outright about this shoes thing and other incidents and he says he can't remember

So this is what's going on. You're still waiting for him to change into a better man, in order that you can move on. Does this mean that if he never admits about the shoes, you can never move on?

Moving on means not giving a flying fandoodle about the shoes, or anything else Mr Lies decides you do or don't need to know. Stop involving him in your moving on plan. Other than as your kids father, he's not in it, and that can be a very distant relationship indeed.

I 100% did not overlook them. Nor did my daughter who also looked. We had everything out and moved and they were nowhere.

I don't now think I am overthinking. Considering how long I was married to him, this is one isolated incident I can remember among a handful of others. If I was truly over-thinking, I would imagine I would start to overthink much more - all holidays, trips away, all that marriage stuff - but I'm not.

It struck me as odd at the time. It's still odd but I think now I have a context.

@wndrw59

I appreciate the advice about letting it go and all. The issue I have is that I am 99% certain he has told me an edited version. Although the version he has told me is shocking, the longer I've been apart from him the more clearly I can think. I am convinced now this isn't me overthinking and that actually I think lots and lots has happened throughout our entire marriage. Why is this a problem people will say. You're well rid of him. Except.. I'm not totally. There are things which mean we have to communicate and there is no getting around this. He is playing the victim card to my face so G-d only knows what is going on behind my back. His behaviour is still continuing to negatively impact mine and my children's lives. If he could just be man enough to tell me the truth, maybe we (including him) could move on properly. I've asked him outright about this shoes thing and other incidents and he says he can't remember.

Him telling you the truth will not make one difference to your existing situation . What would it change specifically ?

If he told the whole truth, there's no way he could continue to play the victim. By not playing the victim, the split could be finalised properly.

Do I just do nothing?

Him admitting to not being 'The Victim' is a) nothing to do with shoes and b) not going to happen. He is responsible for himself, and if he had decided not to be The Victim, he'd just come and tell you that.

The Victim is the position he chooses to play from. You have to work out how to find closure, without him having to change his position. Otherwise, something that he has sole responsibility for is in charge of your wellbeing.

Stop thinking about shoes, and about him owning his shit. Think about you, and how you can move forward, regardless of him, his actions, and his position.

@Aprilx

I think that your daughter misplaced her shoes.

This is the most likely explanation.

@TheFoundations

Him admitting to not being 'The Victim' is a) nothing to do with shoes and b) not going to happen. He is responsible for himself, and if he had decided not to be The Victim, he'd just come and tell you that.

The Victim is the position he chooses to play from. You have to work out how to find closure, without him having to change his position. Otherwise, something that he has sole responsibility for is in charge of your wellbeing.

Stop thinking about shoes, and about him owning his shit. Think about you, and how you can move forward, regardless of him, his actions, and his position.

That makes a great deal of sense.

Thank you @TheFoundations.

Yes, TheFoundations is right - a man like this isn't going to see the light and start admitting things, or start accepting responsibility. It suits him to play victim, and he may even believe his own narrative - after all, poor him, you're not in your box, how inconvenient of you.

Happiness lies in indifference.

@wndrw59

If he told the whole truth, there's no way he could continue to play the victim. By not playing the victim, the split could be finalised properly.

Do I just do nothing?

You are not going to change him playing the victim though - that is in his hands so may as well leave him to it .