I need to walk away don't I?

[onedaymaybeone]

I've been with my DP 11 months although known him for a few years. We got together after we both separated. I'm now divorced and buying my own place. He on the other hand is in a terrible situation where his ex wife has poisoned his daughter against him. Telling her all sorts of lies about us and how he's abandoned her for my 2Dcs. This is all completely untrue but the damage is done and his DD refuses to see him and sends messages telling him how much she hates him.

This is heartbreaking for him. He's going to court but suspects that he might get granted access his DD still won't want to see him (she's 11y).

He is in the forces and works away a lot so we are very restricted on time we have together. As a result he started staying over when I have my 2 DC. However he's struggled to engage with them and feels immense guilt being around them.

He's now asked me to just see him without the children. Which I think is for the best but it means I will seeing him rarely.

Because of the situation with his daughter he wants to live separate lives. Me and him on our own part time. I doubt very much we will ever have a blended family. But I fear we may never have a more 'together' future. One day I would like to live with him but this may never happen.

Do I accept that the situation is what it is and just see him occasionally. Or do I walk away?

Ime walk away.
I married a man in similar shoes... His ex was an absolute thorn. His guilt and resentment towards me having my dc - and sometimes towards them - grew. Looking back I wish I had walked away.
He will never have a decent relationship any of the dc in your lives of you stay.
And your dc deserve more..
And so do you.

Thank you @Santaischeckinglists. This is what I suspect. He says that if he gets to see his daughter and have some sort of relationship with her then our future would look different. He did see her briefly earlier this year and he was a different person so I think that could be true but it's a risk.

Hi OP,
Oh so difficult.
Am in a similar situation. The children issue is massive, you must put them first as I do. However you have a right to an adult relationship...... I met my Army dp 2 years ago. His children and mine dont get on.

He makes no effort and wants to see me without them, so, after a heartbreaking few months, we see each other twice a month for a couple of hours. Its shit, but, I can;'t imagine meeting anyone else, as I have invested in this relationshi after a terrible marriage of 15 years.

In any case, the children issue is always there. Mine are 11 and 12 so I figure, 6 more years and I can have much more freetime to live my adult life. Its a terrible sacrifice but, what other option is there?

If he loves you, and you him, you can make it work. His dd's anger will slowley burn off, but It will take years.
Meet for a coffee, hold hands. Away from the house, away from the children.
Thats what I am resigned to. I am 50 and am starved of love and affection, I feel your pain, I really do.

You may have to wait years, I know I will.

Walk away now whilst you can split without too much hassle. There have been a few similar threads in here lately and none have ended, or are ending well.

@Signoramarella it does sound like a very similar situation.

I feel more comfortable keeping my DC separate at the moment as he doesn't add anything to their lives but I also want an adult relationship and can't imagine being with anyone else.

He has 2y left until he retires then he will be local all the time. I can see it working well then but now it's very hard seeing him so little and always on 'his terms'. He doesn't want to be seen in public with me in the town we live in so that adds to the pressure. No hand holding down the high st for a coffee for us. But we do go away when we can and when it's just us it is brilliant.

This will not be resolved quickly - and it is possible it will never be resolved - so you need to ask yourself how patient you are willing to be and are you prepared to take the risk that after being patient for some years it might not work out.
I am not in the same place as some others in thinking that you should definitely end it (primarily because I believe long successful relationships often need heavy investment over a sustained period of time). However, I do think that, if the voice in your head is telling you that you can't afford to wait or you don't want to wait and/or waiting and then finding things don't work out will be beyond unbearable, then you need to sit down and explain the situation to your partner and see if you together can come up with any better solutions - knowing that if you can't the relationship will end.

I would walk away. You are in the honeymoon stage anyway so feelings are always heightened during this stage hence the not seeing yourself with anyone else.

He needs to rebuild his relationship with his daughter and I think the only way he will be able to do this is if he focuses on just that for the time being. The Ex will settle down but it may still be very raw. How long were they truly separated before you got together?

Never get involved with a man with children and a high conflict ex. Never.

It will ruin your life and deeply affect your own children.

@Skeumorph

Never get involved with a man with children and a high conflict ex. Never.

It will ruin your life and deeply affect your own children.

Are you talking from experience @Skeumorph?

Not my own, but a good friend, and one of my relatives.

I've hung around a fair bit on the stepparenting board and posted there for advice for my cousin under a differnet name - long time ago now.

But I think it sums it up in a nutshell, and from what I've read on the stepparenting board that seems to be key.

If your partner has a good and respectful relationship with his ex - ok.

If he doesn't - guaranteed YOU will end up being the collateral, the one who is expected to support him in his endless drama, but when you need support... his emotional energy is going elsewhere.

Don't do it!

Honestly if I were you I would walk away. Speaking from experience I wish I had sooner. My stbexh had a high conflict wife and similar access issues with his kids.
The ex wife positioned the kids so much against us they only wanted to see him without anybody else. Even after we had a child together he felt guilty for not been there for his others all the time.
He was stopped seeing them on several occasions and ended up going to court, got access and went back to court for her breaking the court order almost 100' times!
Not only did he feel bad about been here with our joint daughter he then had no relationship with my ds from a previous marriage. 6 years together and there was barley any kind of relationship between him and my ds.
My ds' dad got into a relationship and she had a great time for my ds and they got on really well. Which really hurt me that they had been for only a year and my ds had no relationship with my stbexh. I wish I'd never put my kids through it.
His children still to this day won't acknowledge our joint daughter and wont see him if my dd is with him.

Needagoofnightsleep that sounds really tough. It's all good advice here. Never get involved with a man with a high conflict ex...such wise words.

I would end this relationship.

You are dating a man who struggles to engage with you children and his solution to this is to not be around them at all. He does not want to continue seeing you while they are present.

Ok, you know why - he is struggling because of the guilt and hurt of not seeing his own daughter. This is really a complex situation but the fact he is using complete avoidance rather than dealing with his feelings is a red flag anyway. His ex is still manipulating him and this toxic behaviour will continue especially if she sees it is working.

Your priority is your children and there is no way I would date anyone who couldn't handle being around my children for whatever reason.

The situation with his child and his ex may continue to deteriorate and may go on for several more years. It all sounds incredibly acrimonious and the fact his ex is now using your children saying his daughter has been abandoned and replaced by your children makes it even more difficult.

He can only cope with being a part time couple for the foreseeable future even though you have done nothing wrong. Its all too complicated, don't choose this as your future.

How long has he been seperated from his ex? It smells like there's more to this