Ok, so firstly I’m aware what I’m about to write is my viewpoint but could really do with some advice because I’ve been going over this so much in my head I feel my head is about to explode. U may also want to sit down and grab a cuppa.
I am no way perfect- I am a thinker and have anxiety but I’m also loyal and would do anything for anyone. My husband is a nice guy that everyone likes. He’s the type of person that nobody could ever imagine doing anything to hurt anyone else. He’s also boring- he doesn’t have friends and doesn’t socialise. Me, my girls and his job are his life. I was the opposite- sociable, a good laugh, would get invited out a lot (although that version of me seems a lifetime away)
I met my husband at uni 22 years ago- totally fancied him straight away. Took a year for us to get together (he did some stupid things which hurt at the time but I put them down to the fact that he had no experience with girls) he cheated on me twice while dating - I forgave both times- but frequently put me in awkward situations when I felt he disrespected me and I was made to feel like a crazy girlfriend for questioning him. Girls would throw themselves at him/ ask if they could sleep in his bed because they were upset- he would agree- nothing would happen but he couldn’t see how it looked to me and others.
Anyway…. After uni we got engaged and married. It wasn’t an easy ride and I was travelling to work each day. When I came home I was tired, cold, hungry etc I couldn’t drive at the time and we lived in a small town so had to be picked up. He never picked me up on time once- in fact I had to wait anywhere from 30/60 mins for him every day. Of course by the time he did pick me up I was so angry we argued- by the time we got home/ it was a quick dinner, shower then bed- ready for my 4.30 alarm the following day. I know this probably Daphne’s pathetic but I really did see it as disrespectful. We r both teachers and although the day doesn’t end at 3pm when children go home/ staying til 6pm each evening whilst ur wife was waiting outside a train station was annoying.
I could see that I was really annoying him- but I couldn’t help it- everything about me seemed to annoy him at the time. Our first Xmas together was painful- he was distant- used to tell me he had doubts about marrying me so young. Ok so clear alarm bells- yes he was having an affair with a work colleague- the signs were so obvious but like I said- he was my first boyfriend so had no idea- I totally trusted him.
In the feb I found out that I was pregnant and absolutely delighted as all I ever wanted was children- he was less excited- said I only wanted sex when I was ovulating- that’s prob a fair comment. The travelling to my school became more difficult as my morning sickness didn’t ease so I started staying with my parents during the week- going home at the weekend. This def made the situation worse. Looking back he def gave me clues but I was so foolish and didn’t see it. He talked a lot about going jogging with this woman, I remember asking him not to and explaining how it made me feel but he made me feel I was being too controlling. The affair continued until i returned home for the sch summer holidays in the July - things were critical by this point- he was aggressive- he resented me- i def felt we were going to break up. Then our first daughter arrived and everything changed. Fatherhood changed him- u know that feeling when u both stare at ur newborn and smile at every little thing they do- u r in a bubble- no one will feel the love for this baby that u both do. It brought us together.
A year later- I very clearly remember the day- he sat me down and told me- well he told bits at a time- lies at a time/ which I questioned so much that he had to change his story. I honestly think he thought he would say he cheated on a one night stand and that I wouldn’t ask anything about it. I can honestly say he broke my heart- I think I cried for months- I felt rejected, stupid, he had ruined everything- everything in my life that was perfect. The more I found out the harder it was- it kept reopening wounds. I didn’t tell anyone as I was too ashamed that I had failed as a wife. His family knew but gave me no support- told him to question if he was really happy with me and our baby. We separated for a few weeks- then one drunken night he come round to see our daughter- we slept together and I fell pregnant. Of course he was delighted as he knew I would then take him back. I believed it happened for a reason and tried to give our marriage a go. I think it took around 4 years for me to not think about the affair weekly. He changed something in me- that would never be the same. My confidence was shattered. I struggled to have sex with him- but did as I worried if I didn’t he would look else where. Don’t get me wrong- he constantly said sorry and told me he loved me but the trust was gone.
Over time I thought about the affair less and less. We went on to have two more daughters. I never fully trusted him but by this point we were both working in the same school so I felt I could keep an eye on him. My husband has never really had friends- doesn’t socialise. I think that’s why it was easy to know he was being faithful. But deep down I always knew if he went out and got drunk and was approached by a woman- he would cheat.
So it’s been 15 years since the affair- it probably took 10 years before I stopped wanting to ask him questions about it- parts of the story that never made sense. Our marriage still wasn’t perfect- my husband is a people pleaser- and sadly that has been to the cost of his wife and children. He wants to be a good dad and parents from the school love him but he always put his job before us. We tried everything- even behaviour charts- like he was a bloody child! There were two defining instances when I really needed him to have my back- not bec he’s my husband (well partly bec of that) but also bec I was right and needed his support. On both occasions he didn’t and his lack of support meant I ended up leaving teaching and becoming a stay at home parent. I really feel I lost a lot of my identity then- which I shared with him. I also gained weight and lost confidence. Part of me thinks he liked me this way as he didn’t feel I would leave.
And so for present day. I turned the big 40 This year and I really stopped and looked at my life. I am a good mum, I have given everything to my children over the past 15 years but I’ve lost my identity. I’m unfit, I don’t like the way I look, I’m under confident and unhappy. My eldest daughter is very anxious, she’s autistic and things are difficult. I take on a lot of her anxiety which I now see is not good for me. My friends and family take advantage of my nature- they often mistreat me and my fear of confrontation means i allow it to happen. But turning 40 something inside has changed, I can’t describe it. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not this confident women about to set the world in fire but I’m beginning to love myself more. I started taking driving lessons and in 10 weeks passed. I can’t believe the freedom it has given me but also made me realise how my husband used me not driving to control me. I love my husband and although things r not perfect- he’s still the only man I want to be with.
Anyway- I’m starting to feel positive but then notice some porn on my husbands phone. I wasn’t looking for it- he clearly forgot he left it there. I approached him about it- didn’t argue but said how it made me feel- I didn’t like it- we have a good sex life and so it upset me that he still needed to look at it. I honestly thought he understood that it brought back a lot of insecurities that have taken a long time to get over. Three weeks later and he forgot to delete things- over 70 images- more extreme than last time. It broke me- and took me right back to the 25 year old me that he cheated on. And now for ur help. I feel so betrayed, the trust is gone again and it’s started me make me feel so insecure myself at a time when I’m trying to be strong. I’ve told him I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore- the trust has gone for good- he doesn’t respect me. I don’t think we bring out the best in each other. I’m bored, he’s boring, I don’t laugh anyone. I love him, I always have but I think it’s security and habit from 20 years. Am I totally over reacting? I feel so lost and numb- I don’t want to make a crazy decision and then regret it. Thanks for taking time to read the novel. X