Online dating

[Disappointedpumpkin]

I've been single for 6 months after a 17 year marriage and joined online dating. A guy liked me and we had a mutual friend so not a complete stranger. Daily chats and we met for a date which went well, we seem to both hit it off. However, after the first date I asked if he thought we might see each other again and whilst he said yes he also said that he has been single for 2 years and because of lockdown he hadn't met up with many women so far and didn't want to jump straight in with the first one he liked. He is 52, has no siblings and no children, was with his ex for 10 years- engaged for 5 then she left him after cheating on him. My question is- is this how online dating works? Is it normal? Friends have said I should be doing the same in keeping my options open but starting to date others at the same time just feels unnatural to me. I doubt myself on this simply because the last time I dated was in the 90s so this is all new to me. I do really like him and he seems to like me - messages and calls me daily, but is this dangerous territory? Should I just move on as I'm starting to get feelings for him x

If you're not comfortable dating multiples then don't do it, that said the best person to meet is someone on the same page. Has he said he's dating others? If you're not comfortable getting to know someone and developing feelings while theyre doing that you've every right to bow out.

Why do you care what's normal? Do you think you have o 'do it right' according to some set of rules? If so, what rules?

Online dating is a way of getting introduced to people. Beyond that, there's no 'normal', any more than there is if you'd met in a bar or at a baking course or in a library or anywhere else. People are people. If you're looking for a long term partner, leave behind anybody who has you posting on a forum to find out if their behaviour is 'normal' after 1 date. You need to find someone who has the same normal as you, and it doesn't matter if 98% of people are similar to the two of you, or if you're both a complete pair of freaky oddities.

Stop with the 'should I accept this?' mindset. Only continue to see someone if you think their behaviour would make you happy and fit with your behaviour and feelings, long term.

Get in the driver's seat: if you are questioning whether you're on 'dangerous territory', you don't feel safe, and that's the most basic of all the requirements. Drive away.

Oooo no. Sorry OP but in my experience that is a recipe for disaster and heartache. He has told you up straight that he is still looking. To me, that would indicate I am not quite what he is after. If I was, I'd expect him to invest the energy into dating me rather than contiuining to see "what's out there". He is probably messaging others. That is the way it works with some men. Not all.

I'd give this one a miss

Thankyou for the helpful replies. TheFoundations comment maybe not so helpful- as I explained i have never done online dating before, I was simply asking for advice- there was no need to be so harsh to me. I am new to all this and discovering what its all about, I came on here for advice not judgement.

Make and uphold your own boundaries, rather than looking for 'normal' was my point. It's not a judgment of you.

Best of luck.

@Disappointedpumpkin
Yes - I say it’s pretty normal, think of OLD as more like Online Meeting, you meet some people, some you will like, some not so much, some people will like you, some not so much.
At some point, you will find someone on the page as you, it’s quite different from the 90’s.

Thanks FabulousMrFifty - my point was that if this is normal/standard and i didn't know it then I could easily start to write off everyone on there lol! I have boundaries but won't totally ring fence myself. I'm finding my feet and just needed a bit of guidance

@TheFoundations often gets told she is being harsh on threads like this, but the advice given is absolutely spot on - it’s honest and up front, it’s not a personal attack and I really wish more women would step back and see it for what it is.

It would save a lot of hurt and anguish in the long run.

Yes it’s very normal and I think not necessarily a bad thing. Would be far far worse to meet someone once and then for them to become super keen and over-invested in you. I would just go with the flow. But it’s OK if you’re not comfortable with him seeing other people.

@ElleGettingBetter

Thank you. I'm glad you got the gist, and I hope, OP, that you can let your defense down and do the same.

[quote TheFoundations]@ElleGettingBetter

Thank you. I'm glad you got the gist, and I hope, OP, that you can let your defense down and do the same.[/quote]
I also agree with @TheFoundations as she's trying to help you set the 'right' foundations (no pun intended) for you. So many women spend so much time trying to change a man when you can just find one on the same wavelength.

OP, it honestly sounds like the guy wants to fool around with numerous women. He's not looking to be monogamous right now because he wants to play the field. So rather than giving him all your attention (answering text and calls) you need to pull back and let him know you're looking for something serious. Any man scared of that will leave you alone and that's a good thing! It'll save you so much heartache and confusion in the long run.

Wish you all the best!

Op online dating is a minefield, everyone is different but multiple dating is pretty common.
Some people view it as a sweet shop...so many to pick from. The reality is in my experience that some men think they can have their 'pick of women' when the reality is very different. He may find that and decide you are the best of the bunch, however I would not be anyone's second best.

If a date said he'd like to basically carry on looking before he decides I'm the best option after all, he wouldn't be getting a second chance, whilst it's normal to stay on a dating app and even possibly date others until you've decided to be exclusive, no one needs to hear that.

@Disappointedpumpkin
Go and jump on this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4408007-Online-dating?watched=1&msgid=112705066#112705066

Those people really helped me,
Say hello and introduce yourself and they will help you

I'd also say that not everyone multi dates, like myself for example I date them once then decide yes or no I don't leave them hanging, I concentrate on one at a time and the guys I've dated with mutual attraction we've decided to be exclusive fairly early on after 2-3 dates, it's doesn't always make it to a relationship but it doesn't have to be so casual if you don't want it.

@TheFoundations has given the same advice as everyone else so I'm not sure why you're getting offended.

Don't waste your time on a situation that makes you uncomfortable.

I wouldn't be dating multiple people and I wouldn't date someone who was.

He wants to sleep around for a bit.

Bit of a copy and paste error there, try this one…

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4405484-Dating-Thread-218-The-one-where-were-respectfully-selfish

Thought the Foundations comments were empowering etc

It's normal now not to be exclusive until you have a conversation about being exclusive and both agree.

He's been upfront. I'd dump him and move on. I'd expect to do minimum 20 rubbish dates like this before you even start to find keepers.