DP not fulfilling a task

[Andmed]

How to do you handle these situation? You ask your partner to do something and he doesn’t. Remind him? – he then feels accused of not being quick enough and everything must be on my terms. Not reminding him and doing it myself – again, I cannot wait for him to do it in his own pace. Kind of frustrating.

I asked my partner nicely a week ago to put two bags of empty bottles in the car in the morning when he leaves to work. So we can take these to a collection point someday (it is somewhat silently agreed solution – none of us really likes to take the bottles to the collection point, so the bags just stay in the apartment or car for weeks, however in car they do not get in the way; we usually take the bottles to the car together). It seemed like a small task – he goes out to work by car every morning.
So a week has passed, he has still not done it. We could have done it at weekend together, but I forgot (yep, my fault).

So this morning, I asked could he please take the bottles to the car. He says no. So I got a bit frustrated and said “Well fine, let them be, I’ll take care of them myself”. Then he got frustrated and said “It’s not that easy to just take the bags in the mornings, but fine I can take one of those bags”. And grabbed one bag out of the two and left.

And now I’m spending my time thinking who was wrong and how to handle it politely. So how do I handle it now? I know I should have not been frustrated this morning, but I was, because could he not told me earlier that this task will be unmanagable to him? Could he not taken the bags to the car at some other point? I want to now just take the remaining bottles to the collection point (sacrificing half an hour or more of my work day to do so). Or wait for him to arrive at evening with the car and then just take the other bag to the car myself. But I guess then I’m being passive-aggressive, right? If I raise the topic at the evening, then I am a nag?

Such things do not happen that often, because mostly I’ll just let it go or do it myself. Some things he does really nicely. But other times such little incidents just feel like impossible situations and I do not know how to handle those so that we are both heard and treated nicely and so on.
Otherwise we are good. He is just plain lazy with such things.

Please help

Can't you take them?

I can't see why you don't put them in the car yourself? Why does your DH have to do it?

Is there a reason why he had to do it? You say you normally do it together.

I could, but I never use the car and I work from home. He is the one who goes to work every Monday to Friday. So I figured it would be easy for him to just take the bags and put in the car when he leaves in the morning. When I asked him a week ago on Sunday evening could he do that, he said "yeah, of course". And now it has been a week. Had he said "no", no problem, I would have done it myself. And another reason is that if it were up to him, I would do all such things myself. He does not "see" that the trash bin is full - so I take out the trash bag. He could then take it outside when he leaves the house in the morning, but he does not see it. So I take it myself. He does not see that the dishloader is full, so I put on the machine and take out the plates etc etc. So with the bags of bottles - I really figured it would be a lot easier task for him than me, because he gets to the car anyway, whereas I do not.

I get it's more than these bags... Its the having to carry the mental load of seeing or thinking about things that need doing, then having to ask him to do it and it not being done.. Then getting agggro when you remind/ask again.
My dexh was like this and thirty years of having to manage him as if I was boss of family plc... And he was slightly useless employee made me very resentful.

I hate this behaviour, its called learned helplessness..
If they don't do the task or make a fuss, then you'll not ask again and you'll do it instead.
With house things I tended to do it, as I like a nice tidy clean house.. But I stopped doing it with stuff directly related to dexh, such as reminding him to do his tax return or buy his mother's birthday presents etc..
Because after a few missed deadlines etc he seemed to manage to do it.
I will also point out these men manage perfectly well at work, my dexh is very successful in his career... He doesn't seem to need constant reminding to do things there.... So you dp is perfectly capable he is just choosing not to at home...

Ffs he's already going to the car every weekday morning, there's absolutely no reason why he can't take them with him, even one at a time on different days.

OP you seem to be spending an awful lot of energy working out how to be "polite" about this and going about it "the right way". Its a basic task that takes 3 seconds of extra effort for him. He's not being very "polite" by refusing and moaning about it.

If you were making him go to the bottle recycling on his way to work, or make a trip to the car when he wasn't already going, I could kind of see his point, but he's being awkward.

@Coldtoday

Is there a reason why he had to do it? You say you normally do it together.

Because we normally take the bottle bags out of the cabinet in the weekend (well, I do, because he does not notice they are full, although he is the one who makes most of the contribution of the bottles in the bags) and when we leave the apartment to go somewhere then we take them. But we were out whole weekend this time and did not do it. And he was actually the one who took the bags out of the cabinet Sunday evening late (I give credit to him for that!) and just left them there in the kitchen. Yes, at that point I really did not like to go outside to take the bags to the car, because it was late and I was tired, but I also did not like the idea of the bottles being in the kitchen a full week (small apartment). So I asked him could he take the bottles to the car when he leaves the aparment at morning.

(sorry, if I use weird words, English is not my main language)

Thanks, it's indeed exactly how I feel @Theredjellybean and @Sparklfairy.

I feel like if I let the bottles be now, then "I am the bad person", because he still would have to do it and then he'd be a bit sulky and I hate that feeling. If I take the bottles myself now, then I give him the impression that it is OK to just ignore my request.

I want to be polite and good, because really, otherwise our life and relationship is good and I love him and we get along so well etc. Just his lazy side is killing me sometimes. I do not want to cause unnecessary row, but I also do not want him to think that I will be responsible for the clean home alone.

If you normally do it together, and he said he could only take one, why didn't you just take the other with him this morning?

@girlmom21

If you normally do it together, and he said he could only take one, why didn't you just take the other with him this morning?

Because to be honest I was frustrated that he had all week to do it and still hadn't managed it. He could have said to me nicely several days ago that the task was above his capabilities and not wait for me to remind him again and only then tell me that. And the way he told me that he will take only one, was also done through frustration. He first said no, then I said fine, I will do it myself , and only then he reluctantly just took the one bag. And moreover, I was just getting dressed, so he would have had to wait for me to take the bag out with him, but he was already stepping out and he hates to wait for me, especially when he has to leave to work. And to be totally honest - he had no reason to not take the bags. He had a backpack and a small bag he had over his sholder, so he had two empty hands basically.

This all sounds so incredibly petty.
I don't know why it's frustrating or why you're so wound up or why he was an arse but I don't think your relationship can possibly be as good as you're suggesting aside from this.

But - what I'm asking now. Should I just take the other bag of bottles to recyicling myself or should I just leave it to him to sort it? Should I accept that he is indeed incapable of doing simple things and let him get away with it? Or should I try to again talk to him about the issue? I really do not want to cause a row, cause I hate rows, but I also do not want to let the resentment build, because we have otherwise really good relationship and I'd hate it to be ruined by resentment. But I feel it is starting to build.

Just take the bottles. If it's that easy they don't need to be left for weeks anyway.
Why don't you talk to him about alternating who takes the bottles each time if you both dislike it?

Yes, it is petty, because at the moment it is just small things and usually I let him get away with such things. But I'm getting more and more frustatrated that he cannot just do a small task asked from him, when he has initially agreed to do it. It is not yet a big issue, but I feel it is sooner or later getting a big issue. For example, once we have children in the house and he just silently refuses to do things due to his lazyness. I want to avoid bigger issues in the future, so I am asking for advice how to handle those situations. I really do not think that I should always just do everything myself and not ask him anything. I just do not know how to talk to him about it.

But this is true - it is not only the bottles. It is other similar things. I do not ask him much, but when I do, then he kind of ignores. And that is what kills me. So I guess I'm asking more general advice, not only about the bottles. If he agrees to do something, and then does not do it - how to handle it?

Surely it took you longer to write this post than I would have done to carry the bottles in the car...

If he refuses to do anything and ignores you, leave him. Definitely don't have kids with someone who has no respect for you and can't do the small basics because there's no way he'll do nappy changes or wash bottles or school homework if he won't put some bottles in the car.

I get it OP, yes you could do it but why should you! There are two adults in the house, he's the one who took the glass recycling bags out of the cupboard and just left them in the kitchen. He goes to the car every single day how is it a hardship to take them with him? I bet you do most of the household tasks/chores despite also working

@girlmom21

Just take the bottles. If it's that easy they don't need to be left for weeks anyway. Why don't you talk to him about alternating who takes the bottles each time if you both dislike it?

Don't take this advice. Its a slippery slope to "just" do the dishwasher, "just" pick up his clothes, and "just" clean the toilet, while he sits on his arse.

You're supposed to be equal partners. Say to him, "you go to the car every day, please take one bag with you." And leave it by the front door for him. Yes, its mental load for you, but if he deliberately walks past and ignores the bag then thats a middle finger up at you. I think you may be surprised.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

@Saucy99

Surely it took you longer to write this post than I would have done to carry the bottles in the car...

Yes, probably, but OP is asking for advice on how to handle this situation and future similar ones.

My husband is a very messy person. Our kitchen is a disaster zone because he has used it as a dumping ground for months. I asked him to tidy a section of worktop about 6 weeks ago and he still hasn't done it. He's off work at the moment and I've asked him to clear all non-kitchen clutter out so I can give it a good clean. He said he'd "try". I'm sick of constantly tidying up behind him as well as taking on all the family admin and I'm considering leaving him because of this - getting counselling to help me make the decision. OP is right to question why her partner is making such a fuss about a simple task that he said he would do a week ago - this could be the thin end of the wedge.

You have explained it very articulately on this thread, OP.

You can sit down with him and tell him exactly what you have told us and he either takes it on board or he doesn't in which you have your answer. .

Or you can do the jobs that matter to you yourself (like the recycling and bins) but switch off mentally and physically from anything that benefits him. So no washing of his clothes, no ironing, no meals other than the leftovers of what you might cook for yourself, no birthday presents for his family, no sorting out his life admin. See how he likes that? And when he asks you to do something, you say quite simply "No".

How weird that he doesn't see the bottles, the bin or the dishwasher. And yet manages to drive to work. So it isn't his eyesight.

Much better to pretend he can't see it and let you do it. I mean, you are at home, whilst he has more important things to be getting on with.

He does see all this stuff, he just thinks it's your job to deal with it.

Ask him outright what he thinks are your jobs. Emptying the dishwasher, taking the recycling out, what else? Make him spell out exactly what he thinks is beneath him and up to you.

And if you can't get this sorted now, accept that if you choose to have kids with this guy then all the work will fall on you because he'll magically fail to see they need fed, nappies changed etc.