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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am feeling so anxious because I have been asked out for a drink...

24 replies

isthismylifenow · 22/11/2021 07:18

In a moment of boredom/madness perhaps, I signed up to a dating site. I had quite an overwhelming response and have been chatting to a few men since.

One has asked me to meet for a drink.

Quite normal stuff. So why am I feeling so bloody anxious about it.

I am divorced, in my early 50s and haven't done the dating thing really.

Is this normal?

One minute I am thinking oh that will be nice as I do need to meet new people. Then on the other shoulder, its ...ruuuun.

Can someone please talk me through this.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 22/11/2021 12:48

Well you don't have to go you know. If you want to though, bear in mind that quite a lot of men are on these sites for sex. Others aren't...but from what I hear, those ones are quite hard to find.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/11/2021 12:54

Loads to be anxious about !
Fear of rejection
Fear of a bad evening
Fear of unknown
Fear of what you look like , what he is like

But you can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs 🥚

category12 · 22/11/2021 13:07

What's the worst that can happen?

You go, he's awful, you leg it at the first opportunity. It's something to laugh about later.

Best thing, you go, he's nice, you have a great evening and it ends up turning into a relationship.

And lots of possibilities in between.

Of course you're going to be nervous, but you joined the dating site for a reason.

Meet in public, know your exits Grin and have a safe call in place.

isthismylifenow · 22/11/2021 13:12

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Loads to be anxious about ! Fear of rejection Fear of a bad evening Fear of unknown Fear of what you look like , what he is like

But you can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs 🥚

Smile

I know I should just do it. It will be the first date with someone I don't know in 30 years. It feels terribly daunting.

Fortunes I don't think it is this particular man that is making me anxious, its more that I am going into unknown territory.

Its ridiculous! I am a grown up and sensible woman.

I have to tell him when it would suit me, so the ball in my court. Even more pressure. Good grief, I writing it out really does make it seem even more ridiculous.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 22/11/2021 13:20

Perfectly normal and healthy feeling.

But it is just meeting someone new. You don't have to decide anything. You just have to meet someone and have a chat and at best he's nice and you decide you would like to get to know him better and you do and see if something develops. Or you meet him and you don't enjoy it, but it is just a drink so not a problem.

So as long as you know that it isn't a big deal. That there is no massive decision that just because you've agreed to a drink, it doesnt mean anything other than seeing if you would like to meet him again.

isthismylifenow · 22/11/2021 13:45

Thank you!

What's the worst that can happen?

Smile

I did to hear this. Its just a drink after all.

That there is no massive decision that just because you've agreed to a drink

I had it set in my mind that I didn't want to meet anyone else, have been a bit scarred by my marriage breakdown, divorce and all the issues that come with that. So the fact I joined a site in itself is quite something. I really didn't expect the response I got so I do think that the past couple of days have been a bit overwhelming.

I will go.. I think I just needed to hear that how I am feeling isn't too out of the ordinary under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 22/11/2021 14:33

Enjoy it for what it is - an encounter.

It may or may not lead anywhere. Dating apps are designed to keep us trapped and swiping otherwise there'd be no financial incentive for them to exist..

And be aware that a lot of people lie about all sorts of things, until you get to know someone properly.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/11/2021 19:49

I will go.. I think I just needed to hear that how I am feeling isn't too out of the ordinary under the circumstances

Me too , I’m 48 and also newly
Single
Totally get it !

Whydidimarryhim · 22/11/2021 19:56

Oh how exciting 😁well done for taking the first step.
You have options - you can go and see what happens -
I’m curious which dating site as I’m thinking again about joining - im 57.
Actually advice is best to meet for a quick coffee/walk see if you have anything in common and go from there.
Good luck

Whydidimarryhim · 22/11/2021 19:58

And yes it’s normal to feel anxious I would say and maybe some excitement too.

sunnyzweibrucken · 22/11/2021 19:59

I understand. I haven't dated in about 10 years and I'm 50. The thought of it makes me nauseous. I felt the same when I started back dating about 15 years ago. But after the first date it became easier. I just made sure not to let too long of time go between dates else it was like resetting the clock and I would be super anxious again.

unicornsarereal72 · 22/11/2021 20:03

It is understandable. When your long term relationship breaks down you feel somewhat unwanted.

Try not to over think things. It is a case of meeting new people. Practicing your social skills and just getting out. Don't think any further than that.

Don't spend ages messaging. Face to face for half an hour will tell you everything you need to know.

And don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Snoozeee · 22/11/2021 20:20

@isthismylifenow

Bless you darling! Just make sure you are in a busy, public environment. Sometimes you have to say "fuck it" and just put yourself out there. Dating can be fun but it can also be serious (if you want it to be)
Obviously if you don't feel comfortable doing it then just say no to them or use the dating site to gain yourself a little confidence before arranging dates with people 💕

Moonface123 · 22/11/2021 20:50

Totally normal and for all you know he could be feeling the same. l would look at it as making new friends maybe, takes some of the pressure off. Its quite interesting to hear other people stories, how they have found themselves in present situation. l occasionaly go on the odd date, half of me is riddled with nerves but the other half is determined to stay open minded and more often than not l am glad l did go,.the nerves fade away once you meet up,.the thought of it is the worst.
Try not to over think it, maybe go somewhere familiar to you so you feel more comfortable, and enjoy.

Inthesameboatatmo · 23/11/2021 08:27

Totally normal to be getting cold feet op ,I was the same after coming out of a 20 plus year relationship. You will be fine ,see it for what it is a meet up only, and if you don't like to be there make excuses and leave if you need too.

hollowlady · 23/11/2021 09:11

Let everyone know how it goes. 👍👍

crimsonlake · 23/11/2021 09:31

Try to think of it as meeting a friend to take the pressure off.
I always set a time limit for first meet and usually make it a coffee during the daytime, so aim for 1.5 hrs ish.
Don't feel pressurized in to staying longr/ doing anything you want to do and don't let him pick you up or drive you home.
Relax and just have fun, good luck.

isthismylifenow · 23/11/2021 12:24

Thanks everyone for the kind comments. I thought that there might be a few "get a grip" ones, so I now I feel my reaction was actually ok.

An update. I have decided not to go. Thank goodness I hadn't replied about a place and time.

He is just being at bit full on now.... I said that I was going out (it was only to gym, but I don't think it matters where) but he just kept on messaging me. What is for dinner. What you are doing etc etc. I did not reply as evenings can be quite busy and I really did not have the time for idle chat. When I woke up this morning he had sent 8 messages in the same vein. One after midnight saying 'is everything ok?" We have only been speaking for two days prior to this. I think it is a bit ott, but my sil seems to think that he is just a bit over eager. I admit I do have my radar set very high, so maybe I am being over cautious.

I think maybe I had a gut feel which was making me overly anxious. Since I have decided there will be no meet up drink, I feel absolutely fine. Now I am just worried this is going to be a repeat every time a meet up is suggested. Sigh.

Obviously if you don't feel comfortable doing it then just say no to them or use the dating site to gain yourself a little confidence before arranging dates with people

Thanks @Snoozeee I think that I will take this advice and try to muster up a bit more confidence. If someone isn't ok to wait a bit, so be it. I know a lot of people want to meet up straight away though.

@whydidimarryhim ... the site is Bumble. You just change your filters for the age group you would be interested it. But there is a dating and then a friendship side. Perhaps I need to change over to the friendship side for a while.

OP posts:
BlokeHereInPeace · 23/11/2021 14:11

Ah well, sorry he was a nutter. What worked for me was saying let's have a quick drink for an hour. Then there's no massive pressure on a big old meal or whatever. If the hour goes well, you can do that next time.

TheFoundations · 23/11/2021 15:24

Stop calling yourself ridiculous. Stop thinking that you're over cautious. Stop wondering if what you're feeling/doing is normal.

You're not here to 'follow the rules' or 'get it right' or 'be normal'. Ideally you want to find somebody with the same sort of weirdnesses as you, so the parts of you that are 'normal' or 'average' or 'standard' aren't really the relevant ones. We all have them, and we all have strange aspects. You have to find someone who matches you, not act like a 'normal' person so that you can meet another 'normal' person. How tedious would that be? Especially if you're looking for a partner for life.

There are no rules. Your feelings are signposts, to be respected. They're not obstacles to be overcome in order that you can have a successful relationship/dating experience. Think about it: you're not looking for someone to tick all the boxes, on paper. You're looking for someone who makes your feelings soar, so your feelings have to be your guide. Nothing will soar if you're thinking 'I don't like what he's doing, but maybe that's because I'm abnormal..?'

Feelings soar when they get better and better. So anybody who gives you a negative feeling... just move on. It doesn't matter why. There's no logic to feelings. They're your wild bit. You just have to observe and respect them. And deal with them in all their wildness, as an adult. Get used to doing this. This hearing and responding in an adult way to your wild feelings. Once you've got used to that, start dating. You'll find it much easier to say 'Nah!' and walk away, if you've got used to listening to your heart and your gut. You'll be less anxious; anxiety is a feeling of not being rooted, of feeling like things are right on the brink of flying out of control... but if your heart is guiding you, and you are actually listening to it and respecting it, you'll know that you will never have to endure an uncomfortable situation, because if you find yourself in one, you'll simply say 'I'm leaving', and that will be it.

And that's the thing with dating. Meet up with people for 'a drink'. Resolve, to yourself, to stay for half an hour only, unless you really really want to stay for longer. A date doesn't have to be a big, whole evening, committed business. Go for a drink. Act like you've met in an airport at the bar and you're just having a casual chat before going your separate ways. Walk away. Over and over. One day you'll come across someone you really don't want to say goodbye to.

There's no 'right' or 'normal' way to do this. There's no right or normal way to feel. Allow yourself to be you. Allow yourself your feelings, all of them. They are your leader, and they are all your boundaries. They are your power, and they will take you where you are safe and loved. That's why you mustn't question or criticise them. It's the deepest form of self disrespect.

It's good that you said no because you felt anxious. And it's interesting he turned out to be a little weird... See? Feelings know stuff. I think your intuition is as sharp as a pin, and it gave you a message, and you listened. Feels good, doesn't it?

KUdos6 · 23/11/2021 15:58

You made the right decision. Unfortunately OLD is absolutely full of these types. Why would he think sending all those messages was normal!

crimsonlake · 23/11/2021 17:00

Try not to let this put you off, starting with old can be a steep learning curve. Perhaps talk to someone online for longer before you swap numbers, some men try yo get you offline pronto I find...no reason for this really.
Also can I suggest chatting on the phone prior to meeting, this will give you a good idea whether you want to go ahead with an actual date.
As said previously I tend to arrange a daytime coffee. In my experience if a drink is suggested the men I have ever met think they are settling in for the evening.
Take things at your own pace and only meet somewhere you are familiar and comfortable with.

category12 · 23/11/2021 17:56

Your radar is in good working order, well done.

Maybe the next one will be worth meeting.

isthismylifenow · 23/11/2021 18:18

@TheFoundations

Stop calling yourself ridiculous. Stop thinking that you're over cautious. Stop wondering if what you're feeling/doing is normal.

You're not here to 'follow the rules' or 'get it right' or 'be normal'. Ideally you want to find somebody with the same sort of weirdnesses as you, so the parts of you that are 'normal' or 'average' or 'standard' aren't really the relevant ones. We all have them, and we all have strange aspects. You have to find someone who matches you, not act like a 'normal' person so that you can meet another 'normal' person. How tedious would that be? Especially if you're looking for a partner for life.

There are no rules. Your feelings are signposts, to be respected. They're not obstacles to be overcome in order that you can have a successful relationship/dating experience. Think about it: you're not looking for someone to tick all the boxes, on paper. You're looking for someone who makes your feelings soar, so your feelings have to be your guide. Nothing will soar if you're thinking 'I don't like what he's doing, but maybe that's because I'm abnormal..?'

Feelings soar when they get better and better. So anybody who gives you a negative feeling... just move on. It doesn't matter why. There's no logic to feelings. They're your wild bit. You just have to observe and respect them. And deal with them in all their wildness, as an adult. Get used to doing this. This hearing and responding in an adult way to your wild feelings. Once you've got used to that, start dating. You'll find it much easier to say 'Nah!' and walk away, if you've got used to listening to your heart and your gut. You'll be less anxious; anxiety is a feeling of not being rooted, of feeling like things are right on the brink of flying out of control... but if your heart is guiding you, and you are actually listening to it and respecting it, you'll know that you will never have to endure an uncomfortable situation, because if you find yourself in one, you'll simply say 'I'm leaving', and that will be it.

And that's the thing with dating. Meet up with people for 'a drink'. Resolve, to yourself, to stay for half an hour only, unless you really really want to stay for longer. A date doesn't have to be a big, whole evening, committed business. Go for a drink. Act like you've met in an airport at the bar and you're just having a casual chat before going your separate ways. Walk away. Over and over. One day you'll come across someone you really don't want to say goodbye to.

There's no 'right' or 'normal' way to do this. There's no right or normal way to feel. Allow yourself to be you. Allow yourself your feelings, all of them. They are your leader, and they are all your boundaries. They are your power, and they will take you where you are safe and loved. That's why you mustn't question or criticise them. It's the deepest form of self disrespect.

It's good that you said no because you felt anxious. And it's interesting he turned out to be a little weird... See? Feelings know stuff. I think your intuition is as sharp as a pin, and it gave you a message, and you listened. Feels good, doesn't it?

Thank you for posting this TheFoundations
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